When did you really feel happy post separation / divorce and why?

[BlastedPimples]

I'm going through a divorce after a long marriage right now. It's not going well. I'm a mess of anxiety and worry. Everything is so uncertain. I can't reassure myself it will be ok in the end.

My stbexh appears to have squandered nearly £700k of our money from the sale of our family home. We have yet to find out on what and he's being evasive with disclosing how.

The future looks financially very bleak for me and the dcs after believing that being mortgage-free three years ago on a £750k house would mean our retirement was secure and the dcs would have an inheritance.

The dcs don't want to see stbexh because he is a violent (to me) and verbally abusive man to all of us.

He doesn't believe them and insists I am persuading them not to take his calls or messages.

So him not being in the family home anymore is amazing. Nobody is anxious or waiting for his next hysterics.

However, I want to fast forward two years so that I can feel more secure in any actions I have taken to make us more financially secure. I have found only a part time job so far and am seeking to retrain as a secondary school teacher.

When did you start to feel really positive and happy post separation and divorce and why?

Everyone's experience of separation and divorce is so different... However, given your experience, it's no wonder you're in a bad place right now. It will get better with more time and the more completely you disentangle yourself from him.

Hi op
I'm not in a hugely different situation than you, slightly less money at stake though, but lots of deceit and secrecy on my ex's part.

I cannot wait to be divorced...

My advice, for what it's worth, is not to wait to feel OK. Go do stuff. See friends, maybe date, get new hobbies.

The shit won't go away but sometimes it becomes less.

I'm 18 months in and still have nightmares most nights, brain still processing it all.

One day it'll be over. Hang on until then. Lean on your friends. Your plan to retrain is a good thing to work towards.

I was forced through a horrible divorce, and it was incredibly stressful and dominated my life for years.
But actually the moment I decided to leave him my life was better. I assume that's why he made the divorce so horrible, to punish me (our split was amicable).
Looking back I really should have hidden my relief and happiness from him!
It's been a few years now and I'm still so much happier, despite life being much more difficult in lots of ways, I just love being free.

Just to add, I genuinely think I had PTSD from the divorcing experience, it was incredibly hard, but I agree with the poster above, try and do as much as you can to make the rest of your life lovely.
This is only a chapter in your and your children's lives, and you will get through it.
Try and enjoy the good moments that are still there.
All the best with it, it will be over one day.

@BlastedPimples it’s been 5 months since I told H we needed time apart (as you know from my other thread) - not really knowing what the next step would be. His behaviour since then has been so awful (rages, taking all our joint savings, rifling thorough all my drawers and handbags looking for “evidence”, ruing Christmas day with his moods and outbursts, telling me to die in front of the kids) I’ve never considered reconciling.

In between the periods of extreme stress (bonus: dramatic, effortless weight loss/downside: stress acne and cold sores) I’ve had moments of real happiness and relief. The kids (aged 8 & 4) have coped much better than I expected. My friends have been amazing, I have been so touched by the support I’ve had from unexpected quarters. The atmosphere at home when its just me and the kids os so much easier and lighter snd we have fun just the 3 of us. My alcohol consumption has reduced dramatically without his influence.

I a making progress on our division of assets. It looks likely I may be able to buy out our family home (with a whopping mortgage) - I am looking forward to being able to paddle my own canoe, even though financially I wont be as well off.

I feel like I make progress every day, although like you I wish I could fast forward 2 years. The only way out is through.

I just feel utterly overwhelmed all the time.

The prospect of a single income, 4 dcs, a most unpleasant ex who tries to cause drama and upset all the time.

Constant worry.

My experience of splitting up with people is that it's a bit of a mixture. There are moments of grief alternating with moments of elation - the world is full of new opportunities, people and places, of a kind which I was unable to enjoy in my previous relationship. These feelings come and go with no particular pattern. Sometimes when grieving, I'm aware that I'm thinking about an imaginary relationship rather than the grisly reality I've left behind. I should add that there were never a great many assets in any of my relationships so we didn't have the £700k to worry about. He's probably tried to do a Boris Becker and hidden it!

No. I think he's spent it all. And doesn't want anyone to know. Nothing to show for it. I am so bitter about having had a mortgage free house three years ago and it's all gone. All our security gone.

It's likely he's got the £700k tucked away somewhere and it will make itself known post divorce. Either way, if he's spent it or stashed it, try to keep in mind it's cost you your half of £700k to get rid of him and to get yourself some freedom and peace of mind, and it would be a bargain at twice the price.

Divorce can be a matter of filling paperwork, and a few phonecalls. It can also be absolutely brutal and take a massive toll on your mental health. Try not to feel you have to have all the answers now, you don't know what is going to happen, what your future will look like, and that is ok, if unsettling. Trying to see into the future is a thankless task. Try to do what you can to look after yourself daily, eat breakfast, take supplements, get some time outside, get a bath and a decentt bed time, pay your bills. Just do the basics on the day you're in if that's all you can do for now.

It will be over. You will move on. You will learn how to deal with him to your best advantage, no matter how outrageous his behaviour, and you will be ok and happy again with him in your rear view mirror. Happiness is absolutely possible with a single income as a divorced mum, one hundred percent. Your life will be different, it may well be far better.

Yes I know, it's a nightmare with property being so expensive (buying or renting) in relation to wages. I've been in a similar situation attempting to buy a house with friends (well, they're not exactly friends any more) and it's a bit grim having to start again from scratch.

I genuinely worry we are going to be homeless.

The second I told him it was over

Its been nearly 4 years now, every month that passes I feel blessed.

7 years on and whilst I get moments of sadness that it had to come to divorce, after a couple of years of the stress of remortgaging/changing jobs to earn more/getting financial settlement agreed (was NOT amicable)... I have had more moments of relief, laughter, sereneness and peace than in the preceding 20 years. It's a bit of a see-saw but you'll get there.

I would also have been mortgage free around about now at 48 whereas I'm now re-mortgaged until I'm 67. I'm fortunate that I can afford the payments but that did take a while to come to terms with.

One of the best things has been regaining control - I can't be told black is white or wonder where my possessions have gone after he had "tidied up" - something done due to his obvliviousness/lack of empathy as opposed to being spiteful but unsettling all the same. I changed the locks which seemed drastic at the time but all of a sudden things were where I left them! Small things but they do make a significant psychological difference.

At 7 months I felt I turned a corner. I guess it’s different for everyone. I think I have forgiven him for the hurt now. I wouldn’t take him back. I had lots of therapy and realised what I need and what was wrong in our Relationship. Also have no money but retraining and have a plan. Good luck!

I think it depends a little on the circumstances, I divorced after 2 years separation. I would say at least a year after the separation was horrible. I got over it but not truly there's somethings I can't cope with still and I have a massive fear of rejection. My confidence was knocked and it took many many years before I trusted again. My divorce came out of no where, he just stopped loving me and that was very hard.

Don't for one second believe his lies about squandering 700k on nothing!
He will have to provide full financial disclosure. What has your solicitor had to say about this?