NC In Laws - Advice Please

[whatshouldidoorsay]

My in laws have been unkind to me and the kids over the years. I went no contact with them a number of years ago. My husband could see what they were like and understands why I've cut them off. However, he has kept a minimal'ish relationship with them, which I've no huge problem with.

Now they are getting elderly they are needing him more.

His father is very poorly at the moment and things aren't looking good.

I will support my husband, but I don't want to get involved with my in laws again. They were very toxic.

However, I'm feeling guilty.

What happens if my husband's father were to die? I hate to think of his mum on her own and never being invited to our house (she has no other family).

On a practical note too, I wouldn't go to the funeral but would want to support my husband.

Do I just let my husband deal with everything, but just be a shoulder for him?

It's very difficult to know what to do for the best, but I do just know that I had so many awful years with my in laws and can't put myself through it again!

It can be so tricky to navigate when there is no contact with family. Especially in-laws. You seem very kind so being emotionally there for your DH is something he may need from you should the worst happen. Neither of you imagined putting no contact in place at the beginning of your relationship, and I imagine this is hard on your DH seeing things unfold like this for your parents. So being there for him, letting him know where you are with him, and where you are not prepared to go is important.

With regards to his mum should your DH father pass away is the tricky part.
She will have lost a huge part of her life which will change her. Sometimes there will be more need emotional need from the DM, sometimes they will be alright.

Seeing she has no other family it will need to be discussed what steps you are willing to take for her as it will change the dynamics within your home bringing her in should the worst happen. But she may want to remain where she is and be as independent for as long as possible. But no contact sounds cruel if she will then be completely on her own.

You can continue to support your husband and still have nothing to do with his horrible parents. Just because they're now old and unwell doesn't change a damn thing in my opinion. They were and are abusive, horrible people, and you are under no obligation to allow their toxic bullshit back into your life.

But no contact sounds cruel if she will then be completely on her own.

Perhaps she should have thought about this before she chose to treat the op so horribly. You reap what you sow.

As usual I agree with @Aquamarine1029.

In my experience NC is the result of a toxic relationship and the decision was not easily arrived at by the people I know.

You sound like a very kind woman and that makes you vulnerable.

I am not kind and if these people have as you write, been unkind to your children, they could die screaming as far as I am concerned.

My advice to you is to absolutely NOT get in any way involved.

Nod sympathetically if you must at your husband, but offer neither advice not solutions.

Personally I would be very very careful of allowing him to burden you with details of his parents.

He has made his choice to remain in contact with people who hurt his wife and children so his judgement IS warped IMO.

His parents growing old, as we all will, changes nothing in my view.

It is in yours and your childrens best interests to remain completely uninvolved.

Any weakness on your part could see your husband asking can she visit.

His involvement with her should remain completely separate from you, your children and the family home.

His parents chose to behave as they did.
Your husband has made his choice.
You wisely chose to finally protect yourself and your children from their choice to behave in a toxic manner towards you all.

Do not go back on what was a hard painful decision.

Some years ago my friend did and bitterly regretted the damage it did to her marriage as it dragged up huge bad feeling from years ago when his awful mother started coming for lunch again on sundays.

Her husband had put pressure on her to be kind to an old woman in her final years🙄.

Long story short my friend started to absence herself from the home, (her children were away at Uni), on Sundays and told her husband that she was actually very angry with him for the pressure on her to go against what she wanted, and she wanted to separate.

That woke him up very quickly, but there was real damage done to their relationship and trust, for a long time afterwards, and it changed how she felt about him to this day.

Tread with real care and continue to protect yourself and your children first.

Men often suit themselves and believe me it is highly likely he would like YOU to share any caring duties that may arise.

Any ambiguity in your position regarding his parents, leaves you vulnerable to being used.