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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship difficult

7 replies

Spottedsox · 17/04/2023 15:57

Hello MN

My conversation begun by asking my partner why he wants me to react and behave how he wants me too.
He become frustrated, calling me argumentive when I was only trying to talk about his constant need to want me to behave and deal with people in his way of thinking, how he sees it.
I understand that fully.
I do not understand that I calmly tried to discuss it but was yelled over. Frequently told to stop standing up for myself and to smile and ignore people's shit basically.
Sometimes this achievable some times not.
I stand up for myself, and he struggles to accept that in a everyday job where I can be a target as a council female worker I am to sit up- shut up and smile..
Sometimes I vent to my him but his opinion will not take into account the facts or situation, this is where he will not hear me say
Let me decide and work it out, everyone else supports me in being upfront that perhaps yes that is shit, not smile and walk away.
I get his opinion I don't get why the anger and need to want me to be something I am not.
1.3years into this. Older man by 10 yrs
My team support me and say tell him no work stuff.
Time to leave him perhaps.
I want a supporter not a controller?
Ps..I have been to a therapist. He said she is one sided only hearing my side that still upsets me that.
She is a professional she will understand the dynamics I believe.

OP posts:
Drummend01 · 17/04/2023 15:59

Yep time to leave, you’re not compatible and the relationship is doing more bad than good by the sounds of it. It’s tough but best for both it you both move on

DustyLee123 · 17/04/2023 16:02

I stopped my DH venting to me after work, as it would just wind me up, and he’d never take my advice my way, so it helped him but frustrated me.
But yes, you should end it.

Pinkbonbon · 17/04/2023 16:45

Well tbf, it was a pretty argumentative start to a conversation...'why do you only want me to behave the way you want me to?' was never going to go well.

But if you do find him controlling then dont waste any time telling him. Just go. If you want a supportive partner then look for one once you left this one.

But you'll probably have to do some self work whilst single for a while first. So that you don't attract and keep another guy just like him for far too long, all over again.

Watchkeys · 17/04/2023 18:16

I want a supporter not a controller

Well, you have a controller so you need to take control back.

HowRatherGolly · 17/04/2023 19:46

I completely get you OP.

If you got you right your BF tells you to behave in a certain way and not react if someone does something to set you off. No one can tell you, not even your BF, how to behave. What you should or should not say, how you dress or done dress, what you do for work, or do not.

ONLY YOU OWN YOU.

Remember no amount of good looks or money will ever justify emotional abuse or control, and it sounds like he is doing both to you. Be careful as this will never get better, only worse.

Life is so short to be with someone who is dictating what you do, say and behave like. So let this man go. Grow your own worth by walking away from this control.

PS, if you choose to walk away, your then ex may turn on the charm to reel you back in, not due to love, but due to ego, no man likes a woman to walk away once they start to control them, they want to be the once to do so. So be aware of the love bombing and sweetness they may come with him once you decide to toss him aside. Its not real, only a tactic to control you further, and should you fall into his trap again, should you want to leave him, then his abuse will only get worse.

Original poster
Spottedsox · 18/04/2023 00:38

HowRatherGolly · 17/04/2023 19:46

I completely get you OP.

If you got you right your BF tells you to behave in a certain way and not react if someone does something to set you off. No one can tell you, not even your BF, how to behave. What you should or should not say, how you dress or done dress, what you do for work, or do not.

ONLY YOU OWN YOU.

Remember no amount of good looks or money will ever justify emotional abuse or control, and it sounds like he is doing both to you. Be careful as this will never get better, only worse.

Life is so short to be with someone who is dictating what you do, say and behave like. So let this man go. Grow your own worth by walking away from this control.

PS, if you choose to walk away, your then ex may turn on the charm to reel you back in, not due to love, but due to ego, no man likes a woman to walk away once they start to control them, they want to be the once to do so. So be aware of the love bombing and sweetness they may come with him once you decide to toss him aside. Its not real, only a tactic to control you further, and should you fall into his trap again, should you want to leave him, then his abuse will only get worse.

I appreciate your response and advice it is so accurate.
After speaking with Mum it is time for a positive change.
It's truly control tatics because he is a divorcee who was walked out on.
I have truly grown he gave me that besides anything else.
Emotions running high I will be OK soon enough.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/04/2023 10:29

@HowRatherGolly good advice.

OP, you are not suited.

Leave.

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