Was I rejected? Hurt and confused

[Mintlimeandrum]

Hi,

So normally I'd just bring this up with dw, but for some reason I don't know how or even if I should.

A few nights a go we were in bed and things were clearly heading in that direction, but then dw just stopped. Of course that's absolutely fine, but there would normally be a reason - tired, headache, but nothing. Just one minute we're clearly both turned on and the next, it stops. I say there would normally be a reason, but this has never happened. Not like this. Of course occasionally one might turn down the other due to tiredness or whatever, but we'd never get to that point and then stop without saying something. I feel rejected, but I don't know if that's right.

We were fine with each other this morning and honestly, that's what's worrying me. I've never felt rejected by her before. I've always felt wanted, even if we're not having loads of sex and has become quite sporadic.Sometimes we're both tired and/or stressed and we don't take it personally, but this was different.

Not that it should make a difference really, but I'm also a woman. I know some will be wondering.

Should I just let it go or ask what happened?

Thank you.

Great way to deal with a relationship issue. Just send a text.

DW and i find this a very convenient way of talking about sensitive subjects.

It allows us time to compose responses without excessive emotion clouding things, and helps us to stay objective.

It's also very difficult to find the time/space to have face to face conversations like this in a house with teenagers who go to bed the same time or later than us!

@Watchkeys good question. I don't know really. Trying to think why.

@DiscontinuedModelHusband yes, I get this to a degree. It's certainly dw preferred way, although not always mine. It does help to keep emotions out, so maybe it wasn't such a crazy idea.

That's great for you but it's not great advice generally. OP can't talk to her partner face to face and doesn't know why. Is that the situation with your DW?

If you can't have a conversation face to face about emotive subjects, it's not a healthy relationship, either because you don't have time to relate to each other, or you don't care enough about each other's feelings to give them equal space to your own.

Couples in healthy relationships carve out time to talk, and they listen to each other intently. They don't 'keep emotions out'. They allow and accept their own and each other's emotions.

Face to face is always better, if that is possible.
But any honest communication is better than no communication.

Given OP's circumstances, it might be a few days until they get a chance to talk properly face to face. Depends how long OP is comfortable waiting.

She might also get a more honest answer than face to face.

OP has said that she doesn't trust her partner to be honest, though. How will texting about the problem help?

@Watchkeys I get why you're saying and before meeting dw I would have said the same, but people function differently. Not everyone is the same. For example, my dw can really struggle to get her point across when she's particularly stressed or upset so a really emotional discussion or argument can be completely unproductive. Sometimes her getting it all out in writing for her can be much more helpful. Not always, of course!

@Watchkeys i don't disagree with anything you're saying.

and in an ideal world, you're absolutely right.

but people aren't perfect, and relationships aren't always perfectly balanced in terms of the parties' comfort being open with each other.

perhaps OP can get defensive, or overbearing when confronted with something uncomfortable (or vice versa).

perhaps OP can get defensive, or overbearing when confronted with something uncomfortable

Then that's what needs dealing with, rather than avoiding sorting it out via poor communication methods like texting.

@Watchkeys I'm not certain about this, but she might actually be more honest this way. I know she wouldn't want to hurt me and I guess it's worse to see physically that you've hurt your partner.

I'm not certain about this, but she might actually be more honest this way

If she can't be honest to the extent that she needs to communicate her feelings by text, you have a bigger issue than you think you have.

You're not running a business here, you're trying to be close. Having to do it from far away isn't a solution.

honesty over text is better than no honesty (or tempered/diluted honesty).

if OP gets the answers/reassurance she needs on this current situation, that's not exactly a bad thing.

i don't think any relationship ever reaches the point where everything is perfect, and both parties act always in the most appropriate way possible.

in my (limited) experience, there is ongoing improvements and maintenance, as long as both parties are committed.

fostering more openness and comfort addressing things directly over text may actually be a step towards the ideal you're talking about in the longer term.

honesty over text is better than no honesty (or tempered/diluted honesty

I agree. But OP doesn't trust her partner to be honest. What about 'Something that might or might not be honesty over text is better than no honesty (or tempered/diluted honesty)'? Because, as you say, we are imperfect in an imperfect world.

It's pointless texting if you can't talk. It's pointless having a relationship if you can't talk, really.

True enough!

It may have been nothing much at all, but the longer you leave it the bigger it seems to be growing - so mention it sooner before it's become so big in your head that it's turned into a difficult issue.