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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My mother

34 replies

Miriam101 · 17/04/2023 09:52

I'd be grateful if anyone could relate to my experience or offer any advice.

My mum has always suffered with bad mental health- depression and anxiety- and as a consequence has been a volatile/difficult presence in my life for a long time. On her good days she's been a great mum; her best self is a kind, clever, funny and caring person. But then something happens- usually one of us supposedly slighting her/rejecting her, which is almost never actually the case- and she snaps and goes ballistic, says all kinds of nasty things, then feels terribly guilty and upset, and we all have to reassure her that it's ok, we can get over it etc etc. Then she's fine again.

Trouble is, as I get older (I'm in my 40s), I am finding this cycle increasingly difficult to bear. The last time we saw her we had a big drama because she thought I had been "off" with her, and then lashed out. (I wasn't, I was just thinking about something else.) We then got into an exhausting discussion about how she doesn't feel I love her, how I "broke with" her (by going to university and finding a job that I loved in another city!). She says all this stuff quite regularly now. None of it is true. I do love her, and have good memories of my childhood, apart from these intense rages she gets which I find completely irrational and disproportionate and which reduce me to floods of tears even at my age. (She does stuff like impersonate me and announce "I'm done with this", "I can't be doing with you any longer" that sort of thing- it's hard to explain but I find it very upsetting.)

She is also like this with my dad and he and I feel similarly. Her brother is similar, and apparently so was their mother, who could apparently turn on a dime. I have wondered whether all of them might be ND, but my mum is in her late 70s and now doesn't seem the moment to bring it up.

I just wondered if anyone else's parents behave like this. I'm just utterly exhausted by it. I found it easier to forgive when I was a kid, even when she would scream and shout (proper shouting- none of this 21st century raised voice business, lol) at me. Now it saddens me so much.

I'm aware she sounds manipulative but I don't think she means to be. She has a lot of self-awareness and self-loathing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miriam101 · 19/04/2023 13:44

Shortbread49 · 17/04/2023 14:40

Have you any siblings was she the same with them? I have brothers and mine was very different with them I sympathise you have to step back and protect yourself she doesn’t care about you, only about herself I stepped a k to the extent mine now has no relationship with her only grandchildren ( that she was never interested in only on fulfilling her grandma fantasy in her head) she doesn’t seem bothered but all I got from my parents was hard dare you upset your mother even though they can upset whoever they like x

I'm an only child, which is partly why it's so difficult. I'm the bearer of all her hopes and disappointments. She is like it with my dad though. And her own sibling (who responds in kind). I continue to believe though that she is at heart a good person who has been bedevilled by horrible depression. I remember her best friend saying to me once when I was a child that she wished life wasn't such a struggle for her (my mum)- I didn't really get what she meant at that point, but I do now.

OP posts:
Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 19/04/2023 14:14

@AttilaTheMeerkat I came here to say this. The behaviour sounds like that of a narcissist or another cluster b type personality. Sounds a lot like my own mother in truth, which is why we're estranged.

Imnotachap · 19/04/2023 14:20

It may be worth reading about daughters of mothers with personality disorders. Whether she actually has a personality disorder or not i obviously don't know, but for me it was the first time I read about people who had had similar experiences to me and i found it liberating.

SallyWD · 19/04/2023 19:07

Miriam101 · 17/04/2023 14:25

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it.

It's very hard to explain on the internet in a single post but she isn't a monster and she's brought far more positivity to my life than negativity. Over the years I've seen how miserable just being her seems to make her. She suffers far more than I do; she has no self-confidence left and really does feel horribly guilty every time she upsets me or my dad. It's not as though she behaves badly and never apologises, never acknowledges: she does all that and then some. She's had a lot of therapy and has been on ADs for decades. I guess I could encourage her to go back to a counsellor. Actually, I might do that. I think she might be open to it.

So I don't want to cut or minimise contact. I couldn't do that to her and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did.

Interesting the ND thing doesn't ring any bells with anyone: I thought it might. She is very rigid in her thinking and literal in her interpretation of things; sensitive to noise, light and heat; often misinterprets people (see above!); is quite obsessive about some things. I wondered if her explosions might actually be adult meltdowns?

Anyway, thank you again for all your input. It's good to know I'm not alone in this. All my friends seem to have such normal, reasonable relationships with their parents!

Interested in your suspicions that she might be ND. I posted the other day to say that my dad sounded similar to your mum and we have actually suspected he might be autistic or have asperges. He's also very sensitive to noise (and many other things). He gets very stressed about change and is rigid in his thinking. He has meltdowns too. A couple of people have asked me if my dad is autistic before.

bamboonights · 19/04/2023 19:36

SarahC50 · 17/04/2023 12:12

I think it sounds like she has an emotionally unstable personality disorder rather than depression. Poor you she's vile to you it must be exhausting x

I'm not a professional but I 100% agree with this. I've lived with it and it's absolutely impossible to have a stable relationship. DBT seems to be the treatment that is suggested and there's always trauma from childhood at the crux of it all. Rejection is the main trigger.

ThisIsntDanicaBritannica · 19/04/2023 19:46

Not to armchair diagnose, but... sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder (I have it,).

Mary46 · 19/04/2023 20:37

Mine has erractic moods at times. You can only do so much. Everyone has their own families ...

Original poster
Miriam101 · 20/04/2023 09:37

Thanks to those who have suggested BPD. I didn't know anything about it. It's hard to say, obviously, but she would seem to have some of the characteristics if not all by any means. There isn't much in the way of self-harming (in the broadest sense) and she's not at all impulsive. Also she has a lot of insight into some of her behaviours and is in general not self-obsessed; in fact she's very concerned with the world, the poor, the environment, "good causes" etc etc etc. I don't know. Anyway, this thread has given me plenty to mull over. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
GuevarasBeret · 20/04/2023 10:33

I can see why you might think ND, and perhaps it might help you if you read some parenting books for parents of ND children to give some ideas.

It is obvious that you are a person of great compassion, and the fact she can recognise and regret would make it a lot easier to continue a relationship.

It is so difficult to have any relationship with people who say things they “don’t mean” (also known as people who talk shit and won’t take any responsibility) and you are a bigger person than me because find it contemptible.
I think you original suggestion of back to therapy might be a good one, but I wonder if there is a cognitive decline and some disinhibition as well.

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