Does anyone regretting leaving because it's harder coparenting than being together?

[Mouldinthebathroom]

I strongly dislike him a lot of the time but I imagine every worse possible trait will come out if I leave him. I don't mean abusive, i just mean incredibly petty, difficult, will blame me and not look at himself for one second.

I read occasionally that women say they'd rather be in a miserable marriage than navigating divorce, custody, childcare arrangements.

Is that a common feeling? Every time I think about leaving I think about him as an ex husband with 3 shared kids and it's not like that's a good option either.

No. It’s not a common feeling. Whilst navigating divorce/custody etc is worse than a bad marriage, there comes a time when everything settles, or you learn strategies to block out the worst of that behaviour, and from them on you are free to have a fabulous life. Which isn’t an option when you’re still married to them.

I don't co parent with me ex. He left 2 weeks before Christmas for his AP.

I tried co-parenting which he interpreted as doing what he likes when he likes and I will fall into mine. After 3 death threats being called hideous names in front of our children, the a DV incident between he and his now GF (the AP) I decided the environment was far too hostile to co parent in.

We do not communicate in anyway. I set him up to receive emails from school, he knows the Drs and can make an effort on that front. Regarding contact with the children it's arranged via his mum. His mother and I communicate well. I can't see this arrangement changing until he can behave like a co parent with me. I'm in no rush to change it due to the aggressive behaviours.

My advice would be, when separating is have firm boundaries. A friend of mine is still being controlled by her ex via the children and I believe it's because the boundaries weren't firm enough. They sold Family Home and she moved into other housing and he had a key to pop by when he pleased. Obviously I can see why that decision was made, to try and be amicable for the children but it has backfired where he cannot see that she is no longer his wife.

This is one of my biggest worries. I'm in an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship with a covert narc.

He regularly puts me down or says negative things to the children about me in front of the children.

I worry that if I weren't around he would bad mouth me even more to them, so in a way I feel that although I'm so unhappy most of the time, it's best I stay to avoid even more potential verbal abuse from him about directed to the children

Every worst trait will come out if you leave him. He's not going to thank you for it.

So what? You'll survive.

Your children will have a happier, healthier mother for it.
Down the line, which will take years then hopefully you can and will have a relaxed co-parenting relationship.

I'll never be in another relationship again. I'd rather be single and simply okay, than be with someone who is supposed to live and support me, yet does everything to break me.

We do 50/50 now. He did fuck off for a couple of years, you can't control that. We're actually very amicable these days.

A split is never easy and it's not going to be sorted overnight. But it can be done.

Your children love you.

They won't want Daddy speaking unkind things about you.

It's very damaging. Get support from CS. Get someone the kids can speak to, to let the confusion and upset out.

More importantly - get safe.

It sounds like you're married to my husband