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Original poster

Should I leave

11 replies

Tillybud81 · 16/04/2023 23:01

So I've been with my BF for 9 years, we got engaged last year. I'm 41 hes 57. For at least the last 6 years I've struggled to want sex at all, I've been to doctors and had checks and tests done and nothing physical or hormonal is wrong. I've just assumed it was me, something not quite right with my hormones and maybe one day my libido would ignite again. I know my partner has struggled with the lack of sex, he's got quite a high sex drive, but I've gone for so long now not really wanting it at all. There's little spark and I've done it so many times not really wanting to. I have had great sex in the past with other partners but my lust for my BF faded pretty quickly. I miss that feeling of really wanting it and worry I'll never feel that again. Other than this we are pretty good, he's a great guy, my best friend and makes me laugh a lot. But we are like freinds a lot, I struggle with wanting even a hug from him and I'm usually a really tactile person. I just don't know whether I should call it a day and let him find someone who's more sexually compatible, I feel so torn 😔

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 16/04/2023 23:05

Oh I really feel for you. I have a high sex drive so I know what it is like from the other side. I think key here is have you talked to him? Really talked in depth about it? Are you wanting to try and pinpoint what happened with it, and how has your sex drive been in the past?
Unfortunately sometimes it just goes with our partners. Only you know if you want it back, and you should never, ever feel like you should have sex just for someone else.

Whataretheodds · 17/04/2023 00:22

How are you feeling about life generally - work, family and friends, where you live, hobbies, purpose and passion?

  • what do you spend your time doijg that you enjoy? How often do you socialise, do something creative, be physically active, relax/switch off?
  • how body confident do you feel?

I'd recommend the book Come as You Are, it's a really informative view of female sexuality.

Original poster
Tillybud81 · 17/04/2023 07:18

Thank you. I have tried in the past to talk about it. He's not a bad or selfish lover but he just never wanted to find out what makes me really turned on and just does what he wants. I feel like I'm being pawed at by a teenager sometimes. I got given a book called Where Did My Libido Go, it had a section in it for guys and what they might be able to do and help with, but he wouldn't read it. It was so frustrating.
I'm sure I still have a libido somewhere and would love to have a fulfilling sex life again, it scares me to think I'll go on like this forever

OP posts:
SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows · 17/04/2023 07:24

OP you say he’s not a bad or selfish lover but what you posted next disputes this - “ He just never wanted to find out what makes me really turned on & just does what he wants”. It takes two to tango & your wants & needs absolutely matter. Oh & just noticed he wouldn’t read the book either!

Original poster
Tillybud81 · 17/04/2023 07:26

Whataretheodds · 17/04/2023 00:22

How are you feeling about life generally - work, family and friends, where you live, hobbies, purpose and passion?

  • what do you spend your time doijg that you enjoy? How often do you socialise, do something creative, be physically active, relax/switch off?
  • how body confident do you feel?

I'd recommend the book Come as You Are, it's a really informative view of female sexuality.

Life generally has been a bit rubbish for the last 3 years, my dad died in 2020 and I've been worried about my mum. Financial difficulties haven't helped either. We moved back to my home in the UK from Australia in 2019, it's been a bit stressful but generally I'm happier being near my family.
I now have a job I like, I've recently started running and going to the gym and I'm pretty body confident. We don't have kids so there's no excuses there either.
I'll take a look at the book, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Tillybud81 · 18/04/2023 15:42

Ok so we had a good talk about things yesterday. I said I was worried about our sex life and my lack of interest and that I do it when I don't want to. He said he doesn't want me to do that and if I don't want to have sex then we won't, said he'd rather not have sex than be without me. I said I wouldn't want that, it would just be like friends that live together. It's now been a couple of months since we last did it and I can tell he's disappointed every night. I just don't know, should I just let him be free to possibly find someone else? I feel so guilty

OP posts:
3487642I · 18/04/2023 15:56

he just never wanted to find out what makes me really turned on and just does what he wants. I feel like I'm being pawed at by a teenager sometimes. I got given a book called Where Did My Libido Go, it had a section in it for guys and what they might be able to do and help with, but he wouldn't read it.

It is so obvious why you don't want to have sex with this guy; This is not a mutually caring relationship. I'm not sure why anyone would want sex under these conditions as it is a one way street!

How are the other aspects of your life together; financial? Social life? Domestic duties?

Zanatdy · 18/04/2023 17:54

In my opinion it’s really unfair to keep this going, let him find someone who desires him and can enjoy an active sex life

tothelefttotheleft · 18/04/2023 22:14

Zanatdy · 18/04/2023 17:54

In my opinion it’s really unfair to keep this going, let him find someone who desires him and can enjoy an active sex life

Have you read the op post that he's not interested in what she likes?

EdwinaBatman · 18/04/2023 22:19

Doesn't he get a say? Ask him talk to him.

Original poster
Tillybud81 · 19/04/2023 08:37

EdwinaBatman · 18/04/2023 22:19

Doesn't he get a say? Ask him talk to him.

A say in what exactly? Ask him what? I did talk to him, other than saying he doesn't want me to do it if I don't want to he hasn't made much of an effort to address what I want

OP posts:
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