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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What happened to the spark?

14 replies

Loveandasmile85 · 16/04/2023 20:08

Without going into too much detail, my fiance (M-50) and I (F-38) sex life has changed so much and I don't know how to get it back (we've been together 5 years). I know we are not spring chickens, and recently we found out that he has peyronies disease, which we are try to correct, and we can still enjoy each other in the mean time! But this side of our relationship dwindled long before we discovered this. (We had sex a grand total of 3 times last year). My confidence is at an all time low because I'm scared of rejection (going back a few years when it started to dwindle he would reject me regulary). I know I've put on weight so I don't doubt that he's not as attracted to me, but I've gained weight because my confidence is knocked (im still only a size 12). I know he loves me, but I don't think he is attracted to me anymore, even though he says he is. How do I get the spark back? We've spoken about it so many times but nothing changes.

OP posts:

Cyberworrier · 16/04/2023 20:19

You are only 38! Please do not get married if things are like this… you deserve an active sex life and to feel attractive and desired in your relationship. You say you both aren’t spring chickens, but there is an age gap. This wouldn’t be an issue if things were working, but they clearly aren’t. Having just come out of a marriage, I can tell you the upheaval and cost of divorce is significant. Getting married doesn’t remove the issues you already have in your relationship. Please reflect on what you want and why you are putting up with this sort of relationship- is it really what you want to have for the rest of your life?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 16/04/2023 21:20

Has he told you why he thinks his sex drive has declined?

Does he experience much pain with the Peyronie's? You said you're looking at having it corrected (and I notice you said "we" which perhaps says something about who's driving that...) so I assume it's impacting him fairly significantly?

Original poster

Loveandasmile85 · 16/04/2023 22:27

It is impacting him most certainly. To be fair he's the one that wants to have an operation, I'm a bit more reserved because I would never ask him to put himself through it. And I do think I feel that mostly because I don't really see the point if it's not causing him pain. Our sex life was non existent way before the peyronies.
When we've had conversations he can't tell me why it's decreased so much. I'm open amd said that I no longer instigate it because I know I'm going to be rejected. He used to say he will put more effort in but never did. Now obviously the peyronies puts a stopper on it altogether.

OP posts:

Cyberworrier · 17/04/2023 16:10

If your sex life was already non existent before he became ill, were you happy with the idea or somewhat resigned to always having no sex? Or have you been unhappy with this for a while?

I know it can be really difficult and hurtful to live in a sexless or almost sexless relationship. And there is guilt/confusion if the other person has health issues.

Your post struck me though as we are similar ages and I remember feeling like that was it for me in my previous relationship (married) and although separating and losing the dream of our happy life has been hard, in reality I feel more positive and relieved to be able to live my life fully including a fulfilling sex life.

DustyLee123 · 17/04/2023 16:12

You are too young to be settling for a shit sex life. My DH started with ED in his 50’s and that was the beginning of the end.

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 17/04/2023 16:17

Has this been a long engagement OP (ie before the sex life dwindled)?

Maybe the relationship has run its course. Have you set a wedding date? Perhaps you need a frank discussion with him and say you're not sure marriage is the right thing if the relationship isn't as happy as it was.

EdwinaBatman · 17/04/2023 16:24

You're 38 you're talking and living like someone much older.
You keep blaming yourself but maybe it's about him why he wont have sex.
You need a conversation and if he won't open up you need to decide what you want out of life

Zanatdy · 17/04/2023 18:35

are you happy to be in a low or no sex relationship OP? As this is going to be what will happen. If his sex drive was non existent before the disease then it’s not to blame. You’re only 38, if sex is important to you then this relationship isn’t for you

PollyAmour · 17/04/2023 18:50

You're only 38!! Don't settle for less than you deserve.

HowRatherGolly · 17/04/2023 19:55

Please you are not ancient.

What is your relationship like apart from the sex?

Are you both on the same page with everything else?

Sillybollocks · 17/04/2023 19:59

I don't mean to belittle a genuine and enduring relationship but are you certain enough about every other aspect of this to get married if the physical spark never comes back? I note that the peyronies doesn't cause him pain but the sex may not improve. You say you're spring chickens, either of you, but 38 is much more of a spring chicken than 50. If it's anything other than idyllic elsewhere then I would be considering whether this has run its course.

SoggyGround · 17/04/2023 20:06

You're 38. 38! Don't settle and marry someone when you already have no sex life and it is something that you want. Your post also worries me because you say you had sex 3 times last year (when you'd been together 4 years) and that sex has been dwindling for a 'few years' - youve only been together 5 years so if it's been dwindling for a few of those it must have started going downhill quite quickly.

If you want an active sex life, which is part of a healthy loving relationship, then please don't marry this man. It won't get better.

Original poster

Loveandasmile85 · 17/04/2023 21:20

Thanks everyone for your responses and it is reassuring that I'm not wrong with how I'm feeling.
I love him so much and i would rather be with him and not have regular sex than the alternative. I just want to have a little bit of both, you know.
The more time we are together, I think maybe sex is not important at all to him. And yes while I would chose him everyday, I still want sex! It wasn't an issue for the first two years, far from it. You've all said it, and I need to pull up my big girl pants and have a more direct conversation! I think I need to work on my own self confidence too!

OP posts:

Cyberworrier · 18/04/2023 13:11

OP, I’m glad you’ve found people’s messages helpful.

I do wonder if you’re slightly fighting reality though, when you say that you’d be happy to stay with him, but you want sex, when the evidence suggests he is very happy without sex. There is a discrepancy between how you both feel about sex, even aside from his current illness which as you say occurred well after it became clear he wasn’t as interested in sex.

It’s just so unlikely that he is going to get a higher sex drive now, especially as he has this illness and is getting older…

Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?
You are very young to not have romantic, sexual love and chemistry with a partner 😢

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