I should be so happy but I’m not

[Lmlrts]

Hello
so I’ve been with my partner for 11 years and he’s just proposed, I feel like I should be the happiest person in the world right now but I feel trapped and claustrophobic. He’s a wonderful man and lovely father, my friends and family love him. He treats me right, helps with housework, does his fair share with the kids. I should be so happy but I’m not. As soon as he asked me I felt in my gut I didn’t want to say yes. If I told anyone that they’d think I was crazy. I just feel so bored and lonely, he’s always been dependable but we never laugh together, and I sit on my own a lot, work is stressful for him so it takes up a lot of his mind space. He can be very defensive and theres not much affection. Even after he proposed he went and sorted out a phone call and I sat on my own for a while. I’m a stay at home parent at the moment and just feel I’m dying inside a little bit (sounds so dramatic apologies) I just don’t know if I expect too much or if there’s more to life than just this!

Ah, this.

Offering a hug, op. It seems like all of my friends (and myself actually) have been through this stage. It's like a right of passage for lots of women in their 30s. All I can say is that out of all the ones who ended their relationships over this, only two are happy and feel like they made the right choice, and those two happen to still be single and making their way as single women with children. The ones who went with someone else are no longer with those men and are feeling lonely and more stressed than before because they are parenting alone.

I don't have any answers, only anecdotal data from my own group of friends. But let's say I'm glad I saw it play out for others before I made any decisions myself. I stayed put and tried to work through it and things got better.

Hope you find the answers op.

Can you talk to him about how you feel and what you’d like from him? I’d say don’t get married but given you don’t work it’s probably sensible to do so. Can you get a job so you have more options?

I just feel so bored and lonely, he’s always been dependable but we never laugh together, and I sit on my own a lot, work is stressful for him so it takes up a lot of his mind space. He can be very defensive and theres not much affection. Even after he proposed he went and sorted out a phone call and I sat on my own for a while

Why do you think you 'should' be happy? Who decides what you should feel and not feel?

my friends and family love him.

But do you?

Listen to what your body is telling you, don't do anything you don't want to do.

Don’t marry this guy. You clearly don’t love him and you can’t marry him just because your family and friends think he’s a great guy

First of all I hope you’re okay. Feelings can be so bloody confusing!!

if I was you I would look at working to get the spark back. 11 years is a long time and I honestly think with relationships you have to maintain them or else they start to get a little bit neglected. Sounds like you have the brilliant foundations that maybe you just need to (both) put a bit of effort into getting certain areas of the relationship going again. I’d have an honest chat and start with all the great things you love about him (that you’ve just told us) and offer reassurance that you love him but explain the areas you feel need some work from both of you. Some suggestions: date nights (even if you can’t get out), commit to an evening in the house where phones are off and take the evening to have a nice evening meal and connect, experiment in the bedroom etc etc. With the “bored” feeling do you think that might be coming from being at home? Being a stay at home mum is a bloody tough job and requires you to take care of everyone else and again ends in neglecting yourself. I think bringing up the parts of the relationship you need to see an improvement in and making a plan of action with your other half is the first thing that might help but then maybe putting the focus back on yourself and really having a think about if there’s something missing in your life (outside of the relationship/children) that might be bringing these feelings up? That could be anything from taking time away from household responsibilities and getting a hobby you enjoy or anything you feel might make you feel fulfilled. I honestly think when you have an honest chat with someone and both work together for the same goal (a better, deeper and more intense) relationship it almost always works. If it doesn’t then at least you know you tried!

The other thing I will mention is that when my DF proposed I felt really disappointed. I’d watched other people’s “moment” and I’d built it way up in my head of how I was supposed to feel and what it was meant to be like and it was honestly just an impossible standard I was setting. I think proposals and big life events can stir up all kinds of feelings. I really hope you feel better soon xxx

V risky to be a stay at home parent without marriage. Hope you have your bases covered op.