He's admitted to being abusive

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

15 years of thinking I was going mad. So many rows. Things got better, we bought a house, had 2 children, still some rows but I had PPD so put it down to that.

Last year it was awful, he finally saw the gaslighting. Hiw he twists, manipulated things thar have been said, makes up stuff that hadnt been said, makes me question reality. He went to counselling. It was amazing. We were happy. We bought our dream home. My commute has been much worse than I thought so I left my job.

This weekend he's gone straight back to how he was. After being so upset I was sick he said 'I'm the problem aren't I? I don't know what's wrong with me'.

I've never felt shitter than I do right now. Can hear him playing hide and seek with the kids in the garden, they r so happy.

And the cycle will continue until you leave.
He knows he's doing it, you know he is. It won't stop.
It will intermittently get better if he feels you drifting because that's what they do. But it won't ever stop.
Best thing you can do is leave. Or he goes ideally,
Good luck.

It’s a conveyor belt. It’s like walking on shifting sand.
Until you find the courage to step off the belt, it’ll go on, year after year.
As you walk across shifting sand, some of it’s firm and you trust it, some of it you sink into and are in despair.
Think on. Make a plan.

I feel so far away from being ok with leaving.

Look up the cycle of abuse. It's how it works and why people stay.

He's only "admitting" it because it serves him a purpose in that moment. Maybe he realises but doesn't care, maybe he thinks it's all a load of bullshit but acts repentant to manipulate you. He won't change and you don't owe anybody years of your life waiting for them.

He's moving out. I'm absolutely terrified.

That's the best thing, mine won't accept when I say I want to end things

I feel like I'm in shock. Like I've just realised the last ten years have been this pattern

It's the right thing. Please don't be tempted to ask him to come back. Don't overlook his abuse.

There is a chance that he genuinely sees he's at fault, accepts full responsibilty and knows he needs to move out to stop being abusive and making you miserable.

There's also a chance that he's saying what he thinks he needs to say to get you to beg him to come back and overlook his abusive behaviour. Turning himself in to the victim.

Either way you need to be away from him.

If its the former - can people stop being abusive?

Just be aware op, if it's him that's suddenly decided to admit it all and move out...it may be because there is another women on the scene.

Rarely do they leave unless they've someone else on the go.

There's some benefit in his opinion, to him leaving.

It seems he orchestrated the argument to upset you...maybe hoping you'd end it.

That's not the question you need to be asking.

This man has mindfucked and abused you for 15 years. And now, even when hes admitted it you are still looking for ways to forgive him and sweep it all under the carpet.

What you need to be asking is 'isn't it time I chose myself, instead of this arsehole? Why don't I?'

Stop asking if abusers can change. Ask yourself why on earth you think you should wait around and find out? When you've already wasted 15 years on this dickhead.

Fool me once, shame on you...
Fool me consistently, emphatically and painfully to the point I'm utterly shattered for years amd years...

Stop choosing him.
choose you.

Definitely no affair.

It's just not about me though. There is genuine love there. We have 2 children, a life that is 90% happy. But the abusive episodes are too much.

The abusive episodes are who.he.is op. There no good him and evil him. As for this 'geniue love' - men who love you do not abuse you. Ever. I know that hurts to hear but until you let go of that notion, you'll be stuck forgiving a monster.

Theres a saying- Would you eat a sandwich that was 90% all your fave fillings...and 10% shit? Crass,but apt.

Maybe if this behaviour had come out of the blue this last year I'd say - has he gone to a gp? Could he be ill?

But this man has been an git for 15 years op. Its just who he is. It's never going to change. He's not ill, he's just evil.

Also, all that time and he only recently decides to see a therapist? Years of your pain and suffering and he didn't seem to care enough to change. Years no doubt, of you trying to understand and placate him. Did he show you the same care, compassion, empathy, understanding,benefit of the doubt, trust?

Why the recent therapy I wonder? Were you threatening to leave?