Bored and confused. How can we last?

[Lost84]

Been with DH 9 years and have 3 children together. Since having children our sex life is non existent. We haven't had sex for 5 years. We've spoken about it and he says he's not feeling great about himself and he's generally too tired after working and playing with the kids. I am the same with lack of sex drive so never initiate intimacy anymore either. DH has never really been affectionate and over the years my affectionate side has gone because I guess if I don't get affection I don't feel like giving affection. I vibe off other people's energy and actions a lot. Hubby is very sensible and quiet, never really making me laugh or being overly chatty. His convos are similar each day and sometimes I feel we are in ground hog day with routine, conversation and boredom. We have no help with childcare so never go on dates. Neither want to use babysitters either. He says it's the typical life of parents and being comfortable together after such a long time where intimacy goes and conversations arent as interesting. I am naturally bouncy and upbeat around friends but ive realised im quite muted now days when I'm in his company. He is a brilliant dad and very supportive partner, really helpful around the house and has the same long term hopes of being together forever. There are a lot of days though where I wonder how we can be together forever because we aren't intimate and I feel like I want affection and laughter. I've had many convos with DH about wanting both and he makes an effort for a few weeks then goes back to no affection and same old chat. Is this the norm for a lot of couples with kids after so long or are we just not working as a couple anymore? I see so many brilliant qualities in him but I feel like I might need more for a long lasting relationship. We are in our 40s

Hi op

I'm sorry to hear this and have no advice but I could've written your post myself. The only difference is we're late 20s and only one child :(

I'm not sure how long I can do this because I just cannot imagine living my whole life like this.

Sorry to hear you are going through similar, it's so difficult isn't it. You want it to work and be that family unit forever but on a daily basis some things are just a bit off. I'm an over thinker which doesn't help. Not sure how to be that couple I'd so like to be

Is there a reason why you won't let anyone babysit the children?
A night out, away from the usual routine might make all the difference.

You need to break out of your routine, have a special night where you have a nice meal deal/takeaway together, share a bottle of wine, watch a funny film, put on some music and chat - you don't have to go out. We don't go out together very often, we prefer to stay in, but we make a Friday night a bit special to break up the routine.

How old are your DCs?

It is inevitable that relationships change as time passes, life circumstances change and we age. That is something we all have to accept or unhappiness will be the end result. We cannot expect that our relationships will be the same as time passes, because we are not the same and we have to adapt to each others' changes.

But there has to be a degree of agreement over what changes each can happily cope with. If the gap is too wide then trouble ensues. There is a balance between being realistic as to what is now possible and what we dream of; between what we want and what the result of rocking the boat might mean for the whole family.

I get where you are coming from - in some ways I have been there. I remember saying to my OH that I felt like writing across the wall: "I just want to have some FUN!" But he was worn out by work and fun eluded him. We came to compromises, but your OH cannot do what he cannot do, nor can he be what he cannot be.

Only you can decide whether what you have is enough; and whether disrupting the children's lives is needed. If you are at each others' throats, then it would be better to break up the family unit and seek what you need elsewhere; if you are not and the children are happy and stable then you face the same dilemma that millions of women do.

I hope you can find a way through this. You are definitely not alone, if that is any comfort.

Another one watching with interest. Same symptoms to our marriage. I dread being an empty nester if this is what we have to look forward to. Apparently it is normal to some though, but if it is I don't really want it!

Feel the same too.. married only a few years, together for longer...I have children. He's a hard worker (bit too much sometimes), does a lot around the house, and practically for the children... but there's no spark, he doesn't seem to really engage with the children apart from driving them round... everything feels like tasks to be done... there's no fun or joy. It's hard as he's a good man, I care about him, I don't want to throw everyone's life up like a pack of cards, but sometimes I shudder at the thought of years more of this. Do most people go through this kind of thing I wonder?

What additional effort are you putting in?

I understand completely and am in an older similar situation. I think you can't expect all your needs to be met by one person. It is not realistic or healthy. Each of you should get a new group hobby, sport or volunteer somewhere to get away and some new input and fresh ideas and positivity. That should help.

Yes exactly. I'd love for these feelings to go but literally every month I think about how long can I ignore this?

Idk if I'm an over thinker but since having a child, I've realised a lot of different things about my partner that I hadn't before.

He's a good father, very hands on.

It sounds as if you are just doing what’s needed but nothing pleasurable or fun. When you first met what did you enjoy together? What hobbies do you share? Can you start a regular special film/meal night where you focus in each other more?

What is the problem with babysitters as it’s important you get some time as a couple as well as family time, time with friends and alone time. Shake things up, don’t give up as he sounds like a good one compared to many MN stories.