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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex won't agree to regular contact

18 replies

MakingMeWannaDance · 16/04/2023 12:19

Split with ExP before Christmas. We have a 4yo and 2yo. I have 8yo Dd from previous relationship. He refuses to have set days and times and thinks he can phone whenever he wants, expects me to drop everything and take the DC to him. He usually waits until 4/5pm before contacting me, knowing they go to bed at 7.30-8pm.He has never had them for more than 4 hours and refuses to have them overnight. He agreed to take them on Thursday at 10am but never answered his phone, so I phoned his DM (He lives with her). She said he had been out drinking all night, and he was refusing to get up, but he would phone me when he gets up. Expecting me to sit about waiting all day to see if he actually phones, which he never. He wanted to see then yesterday so again I said I would drop them off at 10am but he text me at 7am to say not to drop them off at 10am as it was too early and he would not be ready for them. When is it ever too early to parent your own children? Knowing him, he had probably been up all night drinking again, and that was him just getting to bed. He only wants to see them when he has nothing better to do. His DM only wants them there 3 days a week. She complains that Ex is lazy, and there is no discipline, structure, or routine when the DC are there. They are allowed to run about and do what they want. He has spent such little time with them since we split the DC have stopped asking for him. I feel like stopping contact and telling him to go to court rather than trying to accommodate their demands. I hate having to be in contact with ExP, I want set days and times so we don't need to speak in between him seeing the DC.

OP posts:
potatowhale · 16/04/2023 12:21

I'd suggest mediation to coming up with a parenting agreement. And then court.

MakingMeWannaDance · 16/04/2023 12:27

Thanks, will read up on mediation and how to start the process.

OP posts:
Sausagis · 16/04/2023 12:29

In the mean time could you tell him the kids are available for collection between 10am and 11am every other Saturday (or whatever suits you obvs) - then keep records as a starting point for mediation? Save you wasting all day waiting.

potatowhale · 16/04/2023 12:30

Sausagis · 16/04/2023 12:29

In the mean time could you tell him the kids are available for collection between 10am and 11am every other Saturday (or whatever suits you obvs) - then keep records as a starting point for mediation? Save you wasting all day waiting.

That's a good idea.

Livinghappy · 16/04/2023 12:31

Well at least you know you made the right decision to separate!

Make contact in writing, text or email. Suggest a schedule and then confirm what happened, didn't turn, asked not to see the children.

flutterbyebaby · 16/04/2023 12:32

I don't think he would be able to look after them properly with what is clearly an alcohol problem

trevthecat · 16/04/2023 12:34

I would turn this round on him and say 'children are available at this time till this time, if you don't call before x time I will assume you are not coming and go about my day' and stick to it. I wouldn't expect him to take you to court, he can't be arsed to see them now. Stop letting him rule this situation

MakingMeWannaDance · 16/04/2023 12:36

Sausagis · 16/04/2023 12:29

In the mean time could you tell him the kids are available for collection between 10am and 11am every other Saturday (or whatever suits you obvs) - then keep records as a starting point for mediation? Save you wasting all day waiting.

I have told him they are available every Saturday and Tuesday at 10am. I have offered to take them to him and collect them again later. He keeps saying 10am is too early but won't give me a time. He wants to be able to phone and take them when he decides.

OP posts:
Grimeduster · 16/04/2023 12:37

Many of them want it this way. To be able to pick and choose when they want to see the kids and have everyone dance around their schedule. Doesn't mean they get it though.

Agree with pp about saying he can collect at a set time on Saturday then just get on with your day. Keep records of when he doesn't show then go to mediation. Also prepare yourself for the fact that he may eventually stop seeing them altogether.

Pinkbonbon · 16/04/2023 12:40

I'd just set dats and times and tell them he collects them at those times or he doesn't.

Ask him to pick 2 days and times per week that are most likely to suit him (from what you have available).

BeeCucumber · 16/04/2023 12:41

He knows what time the DC are available. 10 am is not too early for a grown-up but it is too early if you have a hangover. Repeat the message. Keep a diary and make a note of each time you offer and every time he makes some pathetic excuse not to see the DC. You decide the time. He makes his choice.

Grimeduster · 16/04/2023 12:58

MakingMeWannaDance · 16/04/2023 12:36

I have told him they are available every Saturday and Tuesday at 10am. I have offered to take them to him and collect them again later. He keeps saying 10am is too early but won't give me a time. He wants to be able to phone and take them when he decides.

Well, he can't. Simple as that. Also it's not on you to do all drop offs and pick ups. Either he steps up or fucks off completely.

I know it's easy for strangers on the Internet to tell you what to do. I bent over backwards for my ex when we first split up. Let him see the kids in my house, did pick ups and drop offs, lent him money, etc. In the end all it did was allow him to continue his abuse and control.

CombatBarbie · 16/04/2023 13:18

Stop pandering to him. If he wants them, he collects and drops off. I'd make them available one day in the week for either whole day or overnight and then EOW prob 24hrs with days being the future expectation. Put it in writing, after 2-3 weeks got to mediation. 10 being too early is going to get laughed at, he's a father fgs..... He made them he needs to parent them.

dottiedodah · 16/04/2023 13:48

He sounds very immature to me .Children are a privilege and a blessing ,not something to be shoehorned whenever he chooses! As PP have said 10.00 is the time .If he cant be arsed then its on him. If it goes mediation then court then hes not going to be able to change it to suit him!

Ginger1982 · 16/04/2023 13:52

Well, stick to what you've said. If he hasn't turned up by 10am on those days, get on with your day and don't answer the phone when he calls.

MakingMeWannaDance · 16/04/2023 13:55

All our communication is through text message. I have started keeping a diary of when he let's them down. I have asked him to have then over night, he has said yes but then comes up with excuses as to why they need to come home. Or he says he will keep DS but not DD. He has sent me videos of them screaming, begging to home. I'm sick of it all. I want set days and times, so there is no need for us to speak, but he won't agree to anything. Will look into mediation.

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 16/04/2023 14:41

Some great advice here. All communication via text or email. Arrange set drop off times. Do not pander to his childish demands. He is trying to control you. Don't give him that power. He needs to man upori would stop contact it's not fair on kids for him messing them about because he is too hungover to parent. Keep records of his shit parenting. Good luck xx

TeaGinandFags · 26/09/2023 12:18

Write EVERYTHING down. Record as much as you possibly can including phone calls. Or write a note immediately afterwards. When you eventually end up at court, he and his mother will lie between their back teeth so keep as many records as you can, including every penny you spend on dc. Take screenshots of your phone records and of every text and WhatsApp that exists AND save thrm off your phone.

He is not being reasonable so you have to prove that you are the better parent. It will be worth it.

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