Would it be better to not have a parent then have one who was neglectful or abusive?

[Whatsbetter]

I know we are all different but I have a friend who had no mum growing up and although they must feel the pain they are very well adjusted.

I on the other hand a mum who was neglectful and I have come off worse. Choosing bad partners etc.

She says well I didn’t have a mum and you did so what’s wrong with you, you at least had one. I can’t explain in a way I don’t offend her.

I can’t comment on what’s better/not better everyone has their own challenges growing up and everyone’s struggles should be validated. I’m sorry you went through an abusive upbringing. How old are you and friend OP?

I don't think it's fair to compare struggles. She lost things that you had, you suffered things she didn't. A competition about who had it worst is grim.

Your friend being very self involved there. She’s thinking of a fantasy version of a mother and not being very kind.

That said, if you need to talk to someone about your mother she may not be the right choice.

Yes, I think so. I have one parent who was largely absent from my life growing up and died when I was 18. It was sad at the time they died, but I don’t really think about them not or feel like their absence affects my life.

My other parent was present but quite unstable and has done some horrible things to me as an adult. We are NC now, but the relationship caused me quite a lot of pain and long term damage.

But yes, your friend is being rude. It’s not a competition.

Both of you are treating it as a competition. It isn't. You can't imagine what she's been through, and you can't imagine what you've been through. Neither of you should be suggesting to the other they are better off.

It's better to have no parent than an abusive or neglectful one.

Someone had to raise her so it's not like she raised herself.

I don’t treat it as a competition. I’m always kind to her but she can not understand why I have the struggles I do. When I’ve tried to explain that my mum had a negative influence she always says well at least you had one. I can’t help but feel I would have had things better if I didn’t have my mum. At least I wouldn’t have spent my life being told I was a never enough, not as pretty as my friends, not as clever as my brother, too sensitive. Never once did she hug me. Yes her mum was absent but she had an amazing dad who she has a great bond with. My dad I love but he didn’t protect me from my mum.

Both are bad I personally don’t think one is better/worse

It sounds like you both will struggle to truly understand the other’s experience and perspective, so why not agree that you both have had tough experiences and that it may be best not to discuss it between you and focus more on what you have found helpful in becoming more resilient and has had a positive impact?