Aibu for turning back into a child with my family?

[Guiltridden12345]

I’m mid 40s, professional, happy marriage, lovely kids. Normal stresses and strains but no real problems. Except one - my childhood. It wasn’t happy. My father was a bully and I grew up frightened and anxious. He didn’t physically abuse my mum but all other elements of abusive control including financial and just being continually really horrible and aggressive and dominating. We were all scared of him and my mum, instead of calling it out, told us to be quiet and good until it blew over. What a lesson. My first romantic relationships were with terrible men as a result of what i saw as normal. He has mellowed for sure but I am unable to forget the past and we have only a very superficial relationship. Mum was and remains downtrodden and tiptoes around him. It infuriates me and I feel all that anger and frustration of my youth so viscerally. As an adult I am a new person, I moved away, got a great job, married a wonderful man, have a lovely family and a new life. I feel incredibly lucky. I cut off everything from my childhood and never go back - that wasn’t conscious, it just happened. I reinvented myself and I just don’t engage with that history if I can help it.

I have kids. We live miles away from parents so hardly see them. My kids love them. My dad has in the main behaved, and is on a constant warning that bad behaviour will result in not seeing his grandchildren. This message is through my mum of course, he’s emotionally stunted and would never have this discussion openly. He uses silence and avoidance as tools, probably why he has got away with behaving like such a child for so long.

There was an incident in recent years where his behaviour put my mum in danger and which was also unspeakably cruel. It was little different from past stuff but extreme and dangerous and just awful to hear about. I was furious. My mum told me like it was amusing, but it simply reminded me of all those days as a child either tiptoeing around an angry man or waiting for things to kick off. It lit a torch paper in me that had clearly been smouldering.

I refused to see them for a while but it caused me so much anxiety that I relented. But seeing them causes me as much anger/pain and resentment as not seeing them. So it’s a total lose lose. I have an older sibling but he has a different relationship -I grew up angry and wanting to protect myself and everyone in my family from this bully, whereas he became forgiving and a bit of a soft touch. I don’t blame him, it’s his way of coping. He has his issues too but is desperate to pretend we are a happy extended family when we are not.

I had some counselling a few years ago but it made things worse as it identified, for the first time, that I’m also furious with my mum, perhaps more than my dad, for not protecting us and herself when we were young and continuing to pander to him. I had genuinely not realised her part in it, or my anger at her, before. So it made things worse really and I stopped the sessions.

When they visit they stay over as they are a 5-6 hour car journey away (I never visit, I just hate being in the family home, it makes me so unhappy so I avoid it). They stayed recently. I hate it. I want them to see the grandchildren, who have no idea and have a really good relationship with them (we see them rarely so it’s a novelty). But the smallest things rip off the giant scab, from the way my dad walks, to the minor panderings of my mum around him. These things turn into unbelievable irritations that literally make me want to scream and/or get up and walk out of the house (extreme but true - it must be fight or flight or something as it feels like a physical need to run away). I turn right back into an unreasonable teenager and become moody and can’t bear to be in the same room. I go to bed early just to escape. It’s awful but more awful because although I can’t stand to be near them, when they go I feel dreadful guilt, especially for my mum, and wish I hadn’t been so moody/cross. I feel awful guilt that I can’t bear her company, that her life is so sad, that she continues to be so bloody downtrodden. Every time they leave, I feel like I owe an apology for my behaviour whilst being bloody furious that no one has really apologised to me for my own childhood. I have no desire to have a showdown discussion - we had a minor one over the recent incident but I was so stressed out by it that I had to let it slide for my own health. In my work i represent people with no voice and have no doubt that this is a psychological way of assuaging my guilt at still having no voice on my own issues as an adult. Rather, I have a voice but the emotional strain of using it is just too much. So I get my kicks by helping others have a voice which is what keeps me going to be honest and makes some sense of my weird childhood because I channel all that negative into something more positive.

Aibu to feel like this? What on earth is the solution other than putting up with infrequent visits and minimising contact which makes me feel guilty too? I feel I’m in a total lose lose scenario and my greatest fear is my mum dying and then feeling terrible guilt that I wasn’t kinder to her in her last years.

Sorry this is so long. Once I started I couldn’t stop typing.

I’m so sorry to hear this. But you have the awareness to make the change. My mum was and remains weak. As a child in thought she was my protector and idol, but as an adult it’s now really obvious she failed us. More importantly though she continues to fail herself. It’s a terrible relationship lesson and creates an unavoidable and damaging muscle memory. You are worth more than this, as are your kids. Protect yourself as well as them. Good luck.

I attempted to cut ties once, over his behaviour towards her rather than me (the horrible relatively recent incident I referred to in my op) and asked her to come alone to see the kids. She refused because it would upset my dad. Says it all really. It was devastating to see her choose him over my kids/us, but it made the scales truly fall from my eyes and I went through (and continue to go through) what feels a bit like a bereavement. Because my protector and idol chose the abuser, not the abused. So painful I try not to think about it. But it’s really messed up.

I also think you need to return to therapy. Counsellors aren't there to give life changing advice, if someone tells you this then they aren't the counsellor for you. Or anyone. You do sound like you need to process this further tho.

What is a counsellor for then? I could talk this out with anyone and be no further forward? That’s my issue, it’s a totally unregulated field with a lot of questionable practitioners. That’s why I went psychotherapist but it’s prohibitively expensive. As well as perhaps too painful to face.

Op how often do you get together with them?
You say “very rarely”, so it could be quite easy to extend the time between these very rare visits until finally they are almost non existent, if the thought of NC is not on the cards

I know that from the outside it’s easy to say reduce contact until it’s gone. In real life it’s just not that easy. It really isn’t.

In my experience it was about having someone alongside me to help face the pain. She wasn't there to advise me or tell me what to do, because it was about me learning to stand on my own two feet, which was relevant to me because like yours, my mum was also subservient to my dad and I hadn't had good modelling about how to be a functioning adult.

Aibu to feel like this? What on earth is the solution other than putting up with infrequent visits and minimising contact which makes me feel guilty too? I feel I’m in a total lose lose scenario and my greatest fear is my mum dying and then feeling terrible guilt that I wasn’t kinder to her in her last years.

people like your father only understand violence. Therefore to get him to understand you will have to speak his language.
Let him experience your rage, let him hear his language back to him. Let him know you see him as absolute trash. He is an abuser and would be better off knowing that everyone sees him for horror the actually is.
The day you stand up to him, is the day he will back down.

I am the only one who has ever stood up to him. He has no response. The issue now for me is not him - he will never change - it’s managing my relationship with my mum and all the awful guilt I feel currently for despising her in a way (there, I’ve said it) and having no respect for her whilst still loving her and feeling so sorry for her rather pathetic life situation. It’s a proper mixed bag of feelings and that’s what I feel I need help with. I have come to terms with the fact that my dad is a damaged person and have no desire to have another showdown. It’s exhausting. Plus there is no response - he is silent, ignores it, he’s a child in a horrible costume. It’s pointless.

I get that I do

but how often is “very rarely”

you have done a bloody good job of reducing contact already!

Its because even now you don't feel safe enough to be honest. So you retreat into the teenage you. Perhaps you could discuss "parenting" the teenage you in therapy.

You have come so far @Guiltridden12345, be kind to yourself.

I want them to see the grandchildren in your heart op, is that really, really true? Deep down is that what you actually want?

Please buy yourself two books - Please Yourself by Emma Reed Turrel, and How to Do the Work by Nicole le Pera.

You are not alone 🌺

Every few months? We have a large extended family, who I still see, so it’s even trickier to navigate.

And is it overnight or lunch type scenario?

Other family members present?

You are the second person to suggest lepera - I will look into this thank you.

Perhaps because my parent family is so fucked up, I feel an odd desire to create a happy one for my kids. Textbook even. I guess gps are part of that. I don’t even know how I’d begin to tell them all this, or why I was cutting ties, it would devastate them about their grandparents but also smash their young idealistic world a bit too early?

Thank you for such kind words, it means a lot.

I feel an odd desire to create a happy one for my kids. Textbook even. I guess gps are part of that.

not these GPs those

It is entirely understandable that you feel this way. Childhood trauma and its ongoing effects can be extremely challenging to cope with, and you are struggling to come to terms with your feelings of anger, hurt, and guilt towards your parents.

Your emotions are valid, and you are entitled to your experiences, even if they differ from those of your sibling. While you want your children to have a relationship with their grandparents, prioritising your own mental health and well-being is arguably more important.

One solution could be to establish clear boundaries with your parents about what is acceptable behaviour, and what consequences there will be if they overstep these boundaries. This may be difficult, particularly if your parents are emotionally detached and avoidant, but communicating your expectations calmly and clearly may be beneficial.

It may also be helpful to continue with therapy, seeking out a different therapist who can assist you in working through your anger and resentment towards your parents and assist you in achieving acceptance and inner peace. If you're up for it, there are support groups and online communities for adult children of abusive parents that may offer solace and validation.

Recovering from childhood trauma is a process that needs time and effort. Be gentle with yourself and make your well-being a priority, even if it means decreasing contact with your parents.

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward would be a good read.

I don’t think your parents deserve the privilege of knowing your children. If it makes you feel so bad, I’m not convinced it’s worth it.

Always overnight as it’s so far away. If it was more local I could do an hour at their place, or out, on my terms, and it would be much easier. But it’s in my home, with my reinvention life, treading all over my new self. Hence i feel like spiders are crawling under my skin. All
their little idiosyncrasies - we all have them - make me want to explode and run away. I can’t bear being in the same room sometimes so go to bed, go out, do needless jobs. That’s why I feel like a teenager - my behaviour is bizarre and irrational and although I can’t help doing it (I sometimes leave the room to silently scream, or just shout ‘stop fucking humming’!! At my dad) I can’t stop it either. It’s bloody awful. I feel so unreasonable even as i am doing it. I hate the person their visits turn me into.

in real life, with real people, I don’t behave in this way. That’s why it feels like regression.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread on here where it is so clear that the OP would benefit from structured talking therapy.

There is so easy solution for how to navigate your parents, on a practical level. But I promise that, with work, you can get to a place where you can feel so much more at peace with how their behaviour affected you, and continues to affect you.

Thank you, all good advice. I’d feel a total imposter in a support group though, with people who are beaten black and blue or whose kids are abused. This seems so pedestrian in comparison, yes it’s shit for me but he/they are not a danger to the community or guilty of a crime. my story would feel like small change, even though it’s big stuff for me.

That’s really interesting to hear from the outside! I would love ideas of what kind of therapy would be best and affordable and how to find an expert therapist rather than a rubbish one. I don’t have the resources (mental or financial) to take a risk on getting a crap one.

You could suggest your Dad had counselling or try family counselling, & he can pay. There’s always NHS for yourself. But you can have counselling for years & it doesn’t work for everyone. I’d arrange to meet them outside the home, either for the day, or a night or weekend away.