Are these valid worries or am I making excuses?

[tootsygirl123]

Hoping for a bit of hand hold.

I've been with DH for 10 years, married for 6. We have 2 infant DC. We both work and work well together sharing household tasks and childcare. I'd still say I was very much primary caregiver for the most part but he is a very hands on and loving dad.

I typed a long post about all the issues in our relationship that I was hoping to get some objective perspective on, but when I read it back I realised I already knew what you'd all say. He is critical of me over slight mistakes, jokes about me being hopeless or unable to "adult". He thinks I'm overly sensitive and that he can't talk to me for that reason. I wouldnt go as far as to call him controlling, but he is definitely overbearing and domineering and its been affecting my self-confidence over time to point I feel almost unable to make simple decisions without him or without being hyper alert to his take on things. He has a tendency to be passive aggressive and there have been at least two instances of what I can only describe as verbal assaults (shouting, swearing & name calling).

Having said all of this, 90% of time he is supportive (practically but rarely emotionally although he doesnt think im supportive of him either), and we have a lot of laughs and are on the face of it a happy family. And I think we are for the most part and when we are like this, I feel content, but inevitably something happens and the tense atmosphere returns. It's a cycle.

I'm forgetful and much more laid back than he is, I know he finds me difficult to live with and he thinks I'm perpetually negative and dramatic so I'm sure his perception of all of this is completely different, but I do feel deep down that its toxic at best, abusive at worst (although saying that out loud makes me feel like I'm exaggerating).

I think everyone here will tell me to leave. The reasons I've given myself for not doing it are:

• I'm scared he has it in him to manipulate the situation when it comes to custody of DC. Although Id like to think he wouldnt do this to the kids, I don't think I'd put it past him to lie about me to get custody.

• There was a domestic incident in my past (previous relationship) that I worry he would potentially use against me again to influence custody arrangements.

• I'm worried he would sour DC against me. I couldn't live with that.

Am I catastrophizing or are these valid worries? I really need some perspective as I can't see the wood for the trees.

He's abusive and he's gaslighting you. If you've told him to stop and he won't then you need to think about how you want to live and what kind of DF he will be to your 2 DC. Sorry OP

I feel I do know this deep down and its why I've posted. Things were bad over the weekend but the tone has eased again today & I'm starting to doubt it's as bad as I've made out (again).

I could have written your post virtually word for word 10 years ago. That little niggle in my head got louder and louder and I realised that I had got so accustomed to being told, however slightly, that my choices would invariably be wrong that I had stopped listening to my instincts. I rationalised them away so that my choices would be more in tune with my ex husbands. It is a sneaky, insidious method of control but control it is.

I had a few false starts but with encouragement on here I left.

We’ve been divorced for nearly 7 years now, and coparent pretty well (3 dc). I’m really happy and so are the dc.

However my boundaries are absolutely fucked and it is only now that I realise how well and truly our marriage was abusive. Others really struggle to understand it because it was death by a thousand cuts, no one incident was big enough to be visible to anyone else but god how controlling he was.

Love to you @tootsygirl123, life can be colour again instead of just monochrome.

He's being 'just' nice enough to keep you there. Like @KeithBurtons said life can be colour again. Leaving an abuser is hard, but staying is much harder

@tootsygirl123 You asked what I uncovered in therapy. I made sure I went to a highly qualified and experienced therapist.

I suppose it was that I finally felt validated. My STBXH used to do that thing of twisting everything back on me (DARVO). I was unhappy but he told me I was the problem. I had put up with stuff for so many years, and although I would rationalise it in my head (and to some extent buy into my husbands world view), my heart wasn’t fooled and I just got more resentful.

She listened and told me it was Ok to feel the way I do. A couple of sessions in she labelled him an entitled bully. She specialises in these sorts of relationships. He had undermined my confidence and self esteem, she gave me permission to have my own opinions that didn’t agree with him.

Early sessions were filled with answering all her questions about me with me saying ‘husband says/thinks …….’ She kept having to interrupt and say ‘but what do you think?’

She helped me to open my eyes to how coldly manipulative he was, and that he often didn’t even believe the bullshit he was spouting.

Basically she taught me to trust my own feelings again.

@KeithBurtons I could have written your post. I’m glad to hear you are out of it.

Im separated and just about to hit the rails over sorting the financial order. It will be ugly, and I may come out of it bashed and bruised, but I will come out of it.

Thank you. It's hard to read your reply as your description of death from 1000 cuts resonates do much. When I try to explain what the problem is (even to him) it all sounds so trivial.