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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship Reluctance

9 replies

Macinae · 15/04/2023 22:56

Been on MN for a while but this is my first post.

I can't help but feel like men are unreliable. I'm in my 30's, divorced, no kids. My exH was useless in any help around the house (we both worked FT) and it all came to a head when I found out I couldn't conceive after 2 years ttc. ExH said he married me for a family and not just me. He already had two DC from a previous relationship which we were jointly involved with. Without going into detail the behaviour became abusive toward me and there were substance abuse issues. Anyway I ended it after a while of this and my personality was a shell of it's former self. In the years after I have started my life over, bought my own house etc.

My problem is I don't have any desire to have a DP. Me and ExH have been split up for 6 years, so it's not like I'm just giving it time. My dad has had two affairs and is generally aloof and disinterested in my DM, DB and me, but will be the life of the party with others. That plus all I see and hear in day to day life (including MN) is how useless men are and how miserable their DP's are.

Has/does anyone else feel like this? Guess I just want to know I'm not alone. Please be kind

OP posts:

Inthebathagain · 15/04/2023 23:01

You're not alone. My 44 year old friend has made the decision to remain single the rest of her life. Flaky, annoying men. Hard work looking. Loving her single life. She's with you.

I couldn't, as I like sex too much!

Original poster

Macinae · 15/04/2023 23:02

Inthebathagain · 15/04/2023 23:01

You're not alone. My 44 year old friend has made the decision to remain single the rest of her life. Flaky, annoying men. Hard work looking. Loving her single life. She's with you.

I couldn't, as I like sex too much!

@Inthebathagain thank you for a lovely response.

P.s. there have been a few flings don't worry 😁

OP posts:

Lampan · 15/04/2023 23:06

There’s nothing wrong with you! I personally just can’t be bothered looking. I have lots of friends and don’t feel like anything is missing, and the idea of someone moving in with me is horrifying 🤣
A few life events have made me realise that t nothing is guaranteed, having a partner doesn’t prevent a lonely old age, or mean there’ll be someone there to look after me. I’ve been through phases where I enjoy dating, and never say never, but right now I’m just fine!

Original poster

Macinae · 15/04/2023 23:21

Lampan · 15/04/2023 23:06

Oh lord, the thought of someone moving in with me 😂 I've definitely got used to being on my own. My friends think I'm too used to it though.

I do think there is still that added pressure from society. Saw one of my parents neighbours this week that I haven't seen since I was 8 and the first thing was "are you married?" I know it's just a question but why are women's lives determined by marriage before all else?! I've been married and miserable.

OP posts:

anthurium · 15/04/2023 23:21

Do you still want to explore having a family of your own? Do you know the reason why you couldn't conceive (while in that relationship)?

I'm a solo mother by choice and had my son using a sperm donor - I dated since my 20s and at the end of my 30s realised that if I don't do something I will completely miss the boat for being a parent. Dating in my mid to late 30 was the most miserable and anxiety provoking time of my life. It really was the pits. I was looking for someone with similar values and goals and all that was available was many wanting casual sex and hook ups dressed up as dates.

I'm relieved I no longer feel the need to do it as I'm not looking for a partner to settle down with. I wil most probably have a FWB set up at some point again as I miss the physical intimacy, but not the compromises that most dating/relationships seem to entail.

Original poster

Macinae · 15/04/2023 23:27

@anthurium thanks for sharing your journey, I think it's admirable to go down that route.

I agree on your last sentence, though they seem less like compromises and more like women having to give and give, and men just take.

OP posts:

HeartsAglow · 15/04/2023 23:41

You’re not alone. My experience with men is that they have been either abusive or disappointing. I realised that not only could I not do it anymore, but that the happiest times of my life have been spent single and so I’ve decided to be celibate indefinitely. I’m also in my 30s and have no kids.

It’s not really how I imagined my life being but I’m content with it. I have found my own meaning in life that doesn’t involve men. When I was a child my mum told me to marry young so I wouldn’t be left ‘on the shelf’. Well I’d rather be on the shelf than the godawful relationships I’ve been in.

Original poster

Macinae · 15/04/2023 23:43

@HeartsAglow ❤️

OP posts:

MintJulia · 16/04/2023 00:10

You aren't alone OP. Most of the men I know, BILs, friends' husbands, colleagues, customers are arrogant, lazy, selfish and thoughtless. I can count the men I value and respect on one hand.

Most of them are just plain disappointing.

Not wanting to spend your life making up for someone else's shortcomings is not unreasonable. It just shows you have sense. A decent man may wander into your life at some point, but don't settle for less. It will only make you unhappy.

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