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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice on an ultimatum

9 replies

Tiredmumma2023 · 15/04/2023 20:33

I need advice...no judgement please. 7 year relationship and we have a 1 yo. He's been addicted to gaming probably at least 2 years into the relationship. I thought things would change when I was pregnant.

I'm sure you're all shocked to hear it didn't. He loves our LO and helps with nappies and the "occasional" night. However our days are pretty much him on his pc, me with LO. He gets annoyed if LO wants his attention mid game. He's also fiery, has called.me names a lot and hasn't ever been physical but has thrown things and kicked an empty bottle at me in front of LO.

I work PT and did a few weeks FT and have asked to go back more. He wasn't happy with this choice as he feels childcare is too expensive and, in his words, I wouldn't be able to keep up with housework if I work FT.

I do everything around the house, majority of the nights, pay off mortgage etc from my account but have to ask him for any expenses because it puts me in my OD monthly.

Bottom line, I've had enough. I feel me and LO would be better without but I want to give it a chance. He gaslights and can't see what he does wrong so HOW do I give a clear ultimatum?

I know a lot of ppl will say "LEAVE" but I'm not ready financially or emotionally.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/04/2023 20:57

Replace 'firey' with 'abusive'.
Because I'm sorry op, but that's what he is. Firey is just one of those words we use to excuse bad behaviour. To make it more palatable for us to stay.

Secondly, I game. Gaming has nothing to do with abuse.if it wasn't gaming, he'd find something else to do in order to shirk his duty to his family.

Thirdly it is not his job to 'help' with the child. It is his job to PARENT. As much as you. This is not 1950 where caring for the kid is solely womens work. The same thing goes for the housework. That is a mutual task.

This man needs to go back to the dark ages he came from and take his club and leopard print kilt with him.

Give YOURSELF a chance. You matter. Your feelings matter. Your life matters. Your freedom from tyranny and oppression matters. And the same goes for your child. They deserve to grow up in a home where they do not need to watch their mother being abused.

They deserve a strong, happy mother who teaches them that we do not make excuses for bullies. That rather than giving them chances, we give ourselves chances. Chances to live a happy life.

Leaving may seem hard but you can do it. Even if you're not ready to go now (though I would advise you get ready sooner rather than later before he throws something that hurts your baby) you can start taking steps. Looking into alternative accommodations, monetary entitlements ect... take little steps. Tell your friends what is happening. Speak with women's aid.

Women are not rehab for damaged men. You cannot fix him because he is not broken. He just...isn't like us. He isn't a good human being. He's an empty, compassionless bully.

Believe you are worth better. Because you are. And so is your child.
Don't waste your lives on this wanker.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2023 20:59

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. It must be something so what is it?.

Why exactly did you think things would change when you became pregnant?

What will it take for you to be ready?. Stop procrastinating. You’ve stated you’ve had enough now and you only need to give your own self permission to leave. All your husband is doing now is dragging both you and your child down with him. This is who he really is and besides which throwing things at you is completely unacceptable. He’s also done that in front of your child so he is being exposed to domestic violence within the home. Pregnancy and or birth are two flashpoints where abusers ramp up the abuse against their chosen target even more.

Your relationship with your husband is over also because of this.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

How many chance have you already given him?. Probably more than enough and you’ve likely made excuses and or covered for him also. Such enabling behaviour had never helped you nor he for that matter.

Do not stay for the supposed sake of your child here. What do you want to teach your son about relationships, surely you would want better for him?.

A ultimatum can only be issued once and you need to be prepared to follow it through. If you are not prepared to do that then do not issue one. I would not bother with this given the abuse he meets out. He’s made his choice and it is gaming to the exclusion of everything and everyone else so what is the point of you being with him at all now?. He is seeing nothing wrong with his behaviour regarding his abusive treatment of you. Gaslighting as well is also an example of psychological abuse designed to make you question your own reality.

Would urge you to seek legal advice asap re exiting this marriage. Knowledge too is power. It would be a good idea for you to also contact Women’s Aid.

Original poster
Tiredmumma2023 · 15/04/2023 21:01

Thank you for a perfect response. Everything you've said resonates and I am already planning ahead. I really appreciate the supportive perspective

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredmumma2023 · 15/04/2023 21:03

We aren't married. I'm still here because I'm financially stuck at the moment and I'm reluctant to lose my relationship with my step children

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 15/04/2023 21:07

Ps: take the full time job.
But be sure to have someone on standby to watch the kid on short notice because guarantee he will try to make working full time hard for you by withdrawing his support at award times. Eg: by going out.

As much as I'd be incined to tell him to get off his àrse and do the housework and stop being a fucking baby...and that it's not 1950 and he needs to step up or ship out... considering he is already volatile, it wouldn't be wise. Also, it wouldn't change who he is fundamentally. Because you shouldn't have to tell him to do this stuff. And because, he's clearly a mysoginistic bellend.

Best to just quitely plan an escape.
But seriously, find a way out.

Original poster
Tiredmumma2023 · 15/04/2023 21:12

Thank you xxx

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2023 21:29

Take the full time job.

re PinkBonbon's suggestion, "But be sure to have someone on standby to watch the kid on short notice because guarantee he will try to make working full time hard for you by withdrawing his support at award times. Eg: by going out."

Absolutely do this. He will do this surely as night follows day; he will actively sabotage your attempts to up your hours and indeed he's already tried to put you off.

His abusive behaviour towards you now is a factor in why his previous relationship failed.

I am sorry re your stepchildren going forward but you really do need to plan your exit from this relationship. How often do you see them given that their own father does not seem particularly all that bothered about his son now.

Nanny0gg · 15/04/2023 22:44

Tiredmumma2023 · 15/04/2023 20:33

I need advice...no judgement please. 7 year relationship and we have a 1 yo. He's been addicted to gaming probably at least 2 years into the relationship. I thought things would change when I was pregnant.

I'm sure you're all shocked to hear it didn't. He loves our LO and helps with nappies and the "occasional" night. However our days are pretty much him on his pc, me with LO. He gets annoyed if LO wants his attention mid game. He's also fiery, has called.me names a lot and hasn't ever been physical but has thrown things and kicked an empty bottle at me in front of LO.

I work PT and did a few weeks FT and have asked to go back more. He wasn't happy with this choice as he feels childcare is too expensive and, in his words, I wouldn't be able to keep up with housework if I work FT.

I do everything around the house, majority of the nights, pay off mortgage etc from my account but have to ask him for any expenses because it puts me in my OD monthly.

Bottom line, I've had enough. I feel me and LO would be better without but I want to give it a chance. He gaslights and can't see what he does wrong so HOW do I give a clear ultimatum?

I know a lot of ppl will say "LEAVE" but I'm not ready financially or emotionally.

Then I don't know what else to say to you

You are being abused and it will get worse and he will start on your dc.

Go back full time. Get childcare sorted and get plans in motion

HE. WILL. NOT. CHANGE,

MMmomDD · 16/04/2023 01:45

Ultimatum isn’t going to work. Addicts don’t change when asked to - only (occasionally) if they decide to quit.
But - he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong - so there is no chance here.
You need to leave.
Maybe it’ll prompt him to make changes. But - don’t count on it.

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