Broke up, back together, but heartbroken

[SoVTired]

I’m a very long term poster but have NC for this.

A very long story but I can’t get my head around how to move forward, or what is best.

I have been with my partner (male) for eight years. We have known each other for 11 years and were friends before getting together.
We are late 30s/early 40s. No kids (I can’t have them post a surgery I had), not married. Lived together for 6.5 years including two major moves out of the city we’d both lived in our entire lives.

We had major communication issues and drifted apart due to - essentially - the death of several relatives on my partners side which he wasn’t able / didn’t grieve; and also because due to these having to take on the supportive and parental role to one of his parents (trying to be vague Here) and keep everything afloat, family wise. We also had some major financial difficulties which is when the rot set in.
We stopped having sex - this was mutually not spoken about but mutually fine, I didn’t care really.

In June last year, we had a major argument and started couples therapy. This was amazing and really helped us to become much better communicators and we’ve never been closer and gotten on so well.
Sex was and still is an issue, with my partner saying he has no libido and ED (I can vouch for this). He used to “help me out” so to speak, but now doesn’t offer / if I suggest it, doesn’t seem keen. I have to say at this point, it’s not about getting my
rocks off - I want to feel desired and I like being the centre of his attention in this way.

after 9 months of counselling; we needed to stop due to our counsellor taking a leave of absence. The last few sessions had been fairly circular and our counsellor essentially encouraged us to end the relationship.
So we did.
We had to stay living together and as we got on well, it wasn’t an issue. I love him and he loves me and the period we were broken up was torture for us both

To the crux of the matter - whilst we were broken up, my partner got totally drunk at a work event (unusual for him) and slept with a colleague. Unsuccessfully, he says, which I think means he lost his erection (he won’t go into more detail). The next morning, he ran off - literally - from colleague’s house which really, really hurt her (she has left his workplace, blocked him and told him she never wants to speak to him again) came back to our house, and we both were in tears and had a very honest conversation about how we really felt. We agreed to give things another try.

tne issue I have is this: I cannot move past his actions that night, what happened with his colleague, and what the fuck happened in advance for this to happen (I know they were good friends and she was the only person he told when we split. I had met her and knew she liked him; and she was very up front about this with him). I know a few of his friends offered to cover up the entire evening on his behalf but he was up front with me about it all.
I feel rejected, humiliated, heartbroken, needy and paranoid. I feel like my partner has only gotten back together with me because he’s worried about my mental health (I was a state when this all came out about the colleague).

I am also extremely embarrassed that his friends knew what went on and can’t face them.

I feel like I don’t know who I am anynore and how to relate to him as my partner. I’ve never been needy or paranoid. I have spoken about this with him.
I don’t think either of us are willing to give couples counselling another go because I know for a fact there’s no way he’d want to go over that evening again (my own counsellor wanted details about what happened and I couldn’t give them, and, my partner wouldn’t go back over it).

I love my partner so much and I know the feeling is mutual. I just don’t know how to navigate this situation.

apologies for the length. All advice gratefully received.

Im sorry @SoVTired I’ve no doubt that you love him, but from what you’ve written the relationship has died.

The fact he tried to have sex with his colleague speaks volumes- why did he not put more effort into addressing the sexual issues within your relationship?

These are not the actions of someone who loves you.

He has treated you appallingly- he is showing very little respect for you, your feelings, your mental health, your shared history.
His friends covered for him- what on earth has he told them about your relationship that has made them willing to lie for him?

It’s no wonder you feel humiliated and embarrassed- it’s time to stop giving your energy to him. You are young- carve out a new happy life for yourself.

Thanks so much for your response. When I asked him wtf he was thinking re colleague and why he did it, he just said he didn’t know and it was an awful mistake. I do know he regrets it, and it was extremely out of character for him. He’s really hurt and humiliated his colleague too (who I know) and I feel so badly for her. It’s a horrible shitty mess.

His friends are arseholes and very cliquey - I’ve never gotten on with them - so I’m not that surprised tbh.

aside from the physical issues (which I do think are due to low testosterone) he really did put effort into addressing our sexual issues - these are on my side too, not just him.

I do know and accept that we are horribly entwined and co dependent. I wish for the life of me things were simpler. Wouldn’t that be nice?

That sounds really difficult and I'm so sorry you've been through this.

While you both love each other very much, I think too much damage has been done that you won't be able to fix. And because you're both mentally fragile atm you don't want to break up. The night with coworker could have been him just wanting an escape from his current life, seeing her as an escape. Which isn't good because you are his current life. Think you will feel a lot happier with someone who has the emotional and sexual compatibility you need.

Also if 9 months of couples counselling hasn't helped - it's doomed. Relationships are not supposed to be this hard.

I think you’re completely right. I think - no, I KNOW - if I wasn’t so fragile, I’d have cut him off and bore the heartbreak on my own and moved on from the relationship.

I once said if we broke up, I’d never want to speak to him again. This is why. It doesn’t help that we both can’t afford to live alone hence why we were stuck living together - again, we don’t argue so this was fine. Neither of us has family we can stay with. Anyway.

Your relationship sounds dreadful. You both seem unable to manage on your own and extremely co dependent on each other. Get a grip and make own decisions.

The work event, as you indicate it was totally out of character.

He was drunk, you weren't together, he couldn't get it up anyway, the woman has changed jobs, his mates just sound like arseholes. He has been honest.

You weren't together at the time

Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom and it sounds like he did.

He fucked up big time but he didn't cheat and you are acting like he did.

How you move forward is down to you. Either have a big long conversation with him to thrash everything out, what you are doing are you just going to circle this drain until you die or are you going to reset and move forward but that is going to take commitment and forgiveness. If you do decide to move forward you have to forgive and forget this for both your sakes.

Am I the only one who thinks this is salvageable, if you were both willing to put in the effort? You weren't together when he slept with his colleague.

How long were you separated for?

What made you get back together? In the whirlwind of finding out about his drunken work night, what made you go back? Were you seriously considering resuming the relationship before that night? Like seriously wanting to be a loving couple together.

I think you’re clinging to him because so much of your life and identity is entwined. You’re clinging to the hope of what you and the relationship could be to you, but the reality isn’t actually there.

Are you happy in the relationship as it currently stands? Do you want to continue... where do you see yourself in another 9 months?

I agree with others... he didn't cheat on you as you were both on a break. He has ED/lacks libido which is something major affecting his life (esp.male) and doesn't sound like his has investigated or seeked help to address the issue.

I think in a way your both using each other as a dysfunctional comfort blanket.

Maybe consider individual counselling to explore you're feelings alone, and to detach you're self from this relationship?

This.

I wonder what would have happened if he WAS able to keep it up and follow through with work colleague? He's clearly very embarrassed for himself

The relationship is dead. Living together and being separated is the worst thing you can do. I've been there. You HAVE TO bit the bullet and move out

He clearly thought he was going to be able to keep it up with his colleague or he wouldn't have gone to bed with her and risked humiliating himself (and her).

I think you need to call it a day. You're young, this is no life. You do need to deal with the practical difficulties and financial impact of separating, you can't just live together as roommates forever.

If he had been able to keep it up, would he have been embarking on a new exciting relationship with his work colleague who he liked, apparently fancied, and knew she had very strong feelings for him?

Don't let yourself be the back-up plan, OP.