DH meeting estranged daughter

NicholJO · 15/04/2023 18:23

Hi op my dp was not involved with his daughter and sons life for 2 years due to him and ex splitting up her new man was terrible to her and the children. 6 years ago the children went to live with my dp mother she's a bad mouth she tried to stop my dp seeing his 2 children but they have remained in contact it's not easy especially for me as when I got with dp his children were in the background we have 2 children together now. But his children are lovely young adults you and you dp will be fine take it 1 step at a time

MrsDoylesDoily · 15/04/2023 18:29

I’m trying to prepare him for another bout of estrangement but wondered if anyone else has been in this situation and could give us some advice?

My advice is don't believe everything he tells you, even if he actually believes it.

There's always two sides to each story and you've only heard his.

But what do you mean by you're trying to prepare him?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2023 18:31

I wonder what the ex-wife's and daughter's side of the story is.

mindutopia · 15/04/2023 18:44

Let him sort out his relationship himself and support him to do so. My stepdad was exactly the same. His ex-wife ‘poisoned’ his daughters against him and wanted more money in the financial settlement and when she didn’t get it, all he’ll broke lose and the daughters (teens) cut him off.

The reality is that very few children become ‘estranged’ from a parent because the other parent has said bad things about them. Most children would do anything for a relationship with their parent. In my case, it came out a few years later that the real reason my stepdad’s daughters cut him out of their lives is because he sexually abused them. He was charged and pled guilty because the evidence was overwhelming.

I’m not saying that’s the situation with your Dh. But the truth is probably not really what you’ve been told. Even if it is, the focus should be on helping his daughter heal. Offer to pay for therapy. Offer to have her come live with you. Support her and be kind to her. Even if the truth really is that his ex ‘alienated’ her, it’s not her fault. She’s done the best she could with what her parents provided for her and she should be applauded for reaching out despite the tricky family situation. None of this is her fault.

SequinsandStilettos · 15/04/2023 18:53

Her reply was just repeating the lies her mother told her. In essence she wants him to apologise for things he never did.

So he writes back refuting any untruths bullet point by bullet point.
Personally I'd be asking her to have a coffee and hand her the reply then or knocking on to deliver it personally.
If he has continued to pay maintenance and has tried to remain in contact, fair enough. If he hasn't tried at all to fight for her or see her or has not paid towards her upkeep, then he'll be judged accordingly.

amiold · 15/04/2023 19:07

This is Mumsnet so queue the hundreds of women who will come here and tell you that your husband, who they have never met, is lying and his ex, also who they have never met, must be absolutely telling the truth and it's obviously all his fault.

Just giving you heads up because I read it all the time and can predict it already.

I think he has to try with his daughter and she can make her own mind up but of
Course she may not believe his side

radishandbrie · 15/04/2023 19:09

I think this advice column gives good advice on dealing with estrangement and building understanding if it is possible

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/07/ask-philippa-perry-what-do-i-say-to-my-estranged-daughter-after-years-apart

What do I say to my estranged daughter after years apart? | Ask Philippa

Try to imagine events through her eyes. If you hold on to your position, believing her to be selfish, nothing will change

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/nov/07/ask-philippa-perry-what-do-i-say-to-my-estranged-daughter-after-years-apart

Original poster

mssokit · 15/04/2023 19:22

Thanks for that, I have watched this unfold and it is disappointing to see so many think it is my husband’s fault and there seems to be little accountability for the ex wife who I have no angst against at all. She was ok whilst he was single but the minute he met me she turned into a different person. And before anyone says anything she moved her lover in a day after my husband left the marital home. I really would like a happy ending but can’t see it happening. It’s not always the man’s fault.

OP posts:

Original poster

mssokit · 15/04/2023 19:23

He has always paid more than he should and sent presents and cards even though we know they have gone in the bin. I don’t know what else he could do.

OP posts:

Cc1998 · 15/04/2023 19:26

mssokit · 15/04/2023 19:23

He has always paid more than he should and sent presents and cards even though we know they have gone in the bin. I don’t know what else he could do.

I mean, buying someone's love isn't the answer. Some problems you can't just throw money at.

GoodChat · 15/04/2023 19:46

How old is his daughter?

TheMarsian · 15/04/2023 20:02

Cc1998 · 15/04/2023 19:26

I mean, buying someone's love isn't the answer. Some problems you can't just throw money at.

Show quote history

No but it shows he cared and still thought about her.

What did you want him to do instead if he couldn’t see his dd?

Stripedbag101 · 15/04/2023 20:08

Op I think all you can do is be there for the inevitable heartache.

when in school I watched my teenage friend and her siblings go through this - a messy divorce, an affair form the mother and all the kids were poisoned into thinking the dad was a bad guy. They used to laugh at him, call him an embarrassment and a wimp. I always liked him - the mum on the other hand was awful!! In the end he only saw the youngest child - who wasn’t even his!

even twenty years later I still think of him and wonder if the kids ever got back in contact.

TheMarsian · 15/04/2023 20:08

@mssokit I can see why he wouldn’t want to apologise what things he didn’t do.

But he can empathise on how hard things have been for her. Or apologise for the fact she had to face so much heartache because of the split.
And more importantly, he can listen. Listen Wo judging or trying to prove she is wrong and he actually did x or y.

She will have had a very different experience. And regardless of whether what she believes is right or wrong, she has been hurt. Acknowledging that and showing he is truly listening to what it meant to her is the first step imo.

drpet49 · 15/04/2023 20:13

amiold · 15/04/2023 19:07

This is Mumsnet so queue the hundreds of women who will come here and tell you that your husband, who they have never met, is lying and his ex, also who they have never met, must be absolutely telling the truth and it's obviously all his fault.

Just giving you heads up because I read it all the time and can predict it already.

I think he has to try with his daughter and she can make her own mind up but of
Course she may not believe his side

Yes this

monsteramunch · 16/04/2023 00:51

mssokit · 15/04/2023 19:23

He has always paid more than he should and sent presents and cards even though we know they have gone in the bin. I don’t know what else he could do.

Pursue contact through the legal route?

JupiterFortified · 16/04/2023 01:01

amiold · 15/04/2023 19:07

This is Mumsnet so queue the hundreds of women who will come here and tell you that your husband, who they have never met, is lying and his ex, also who they have never met, must be absolutely telling the truth and it's obviously all his fault.

Just giving you heads up because I read it all the time and can predict it already.

I think he has to try with his daughter and she can make her own mind up but of
Course she may not believe his side

I agree. You won’t get an unbiased opinion about this on mumsnet.

My DH was estranged from his son for years because the mum was basically poison: she told a pack of lies and alienated DH and his son completely.

Now that their son is 18 he has come to realise that perhaps mum isn’t quite as honest as she may have seemed and thank goodness DH and his son are starting to rebuild their relationship.

My advice would be for your DH to take it slow and let his daughter take things at her own pace. But he shouldn’t admit to things he hasn’t done/lies told by his ex!

hay5689 · 16/04/2023 06:08

My mother tried her best to poison myself and my younger sister against my father when they divorced. I was older so I could see the truth and kept in contact with him, my sister was a very different story because she was 6 and my mother did a brilliant job of making her hate my father. All of her life she's never had a good relationship with him but now she's an adult herself she can see what happened and it's messed her up because she knows she'll never get that time back my mother selfishly stole from her. I don't have any advice but I can give you hope that eventually his daughter will work out the truth. I also agree with MN not being the best place to get advice from on this, it's full of bitter women who can't wait to jump on threads like this and project their own problems and a man will never get the benefit of the doubt.

perfectcolourfound · 16/04/2023 07:48

I also expected people piling on and saying it must be his fault. His ex couldn't possibly be to blame. He should have forced contact. But it doesn't always work like that.

I have an old friend in a similar position. After the split (which was, like in your case, because his wife had met someone else), his ex poisoned their teenage children and told them lies about him. He tried so hard to maintain a relationship, but they were teenagers and no court was going to force them to see their dad. It's so sad.

NerrSnerr · 16/04/2023 07:52

How old is she? Did he explore going to court to get access?

SNWannabe · 16/04/2023 07:54

SequinsandStilettos · 15/04/2023 18:53

Her reply was just repeating the lies her mother told her. In essence she wants him to apologise for things he never did.

So he writes back refuting any untruths bullet point by bullet point.
Personally I'd be asking her to have a coffee and hand her the reply then or knocking on to deliver it personally.
If he has continued to pay maintenance and has tried to remain in contact, fair enough. If he hasn't tried at all to fight for her or see her or has not paid towards her upkeep, then he'll be judged accordingly.

God that is awful advice! Refuting everything is only going to alienate her further and upset her. I wouldn’t be apologising for things I hadn’t done or admiring to them falsely but I would be apologising for the hurt and confusion the girl has gone through and trying to find common ground forward rather than going over old stuff and getting into it. Moving forward they can have a relationship, he can ask her about her life and what she enjoys etc. He can get to know her, and show her that he wants to do that… in time she can see what he is like and challenge the old belief herself gently and at her own pace.

Oblomov23 · 16/04/2023 08:12

What about sorry, now, future.

I would start with 'Sorry'. It's very important to start with that word. That he is genuinely sorry.

Then get him to say he feels he can't apologise for all though because he does believe not all of it is his fault.

But he will do everything he can, whatever she wants that he can do, he will do from now on.

What is it that we all want to hear? She wants to know that she matters.

TheMarsian · 16/04/2023 08:16

monsteramunch · 16/04/2023 00:51

Pursue contact through the legal route?

Show quote history

And maybe he did.
And maybe he still didn’t get any further because they were older children who got to decide.

Going down the legal route doesn’t mean you will automatically get a fair settlement and that all parties will follow it. Nor does it mean that one party will not manipulate the dcs.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/04/2023 08:33

I know someone, whose young teen / tween dd was poisoned against her dad. She did eventually contact him when she was a young adult and they repaired the relationship. She then went nc with her mother, who she eventually realised was toxic - to her also. I have lost touch with these people, he was stepdad to my friend, but I’d like to think they still see one another. He was a good stepdad. Far better than my friend’s dad, who couldn’t be arsed with her.

amiold · 16/04/2023 09:09

vm.tiktok.com/ZMYn3BHwo/

Not sure if that will work but shows women lie and get away with it. Read through the comments, a lot of me unable to see their kids, false csa claims etc. women aren't always right it's so common