Yearning for my old life

[FancySchmancyy]

Sorry if this is long winded. I just needed to write it out and vent my frustrations. I don’t have a lot of friends, especially ones I can have deeper conversations with so I tend to keep a lot of things to myself.

DH is autistic, he doesn’t deal well with pressure particularly money stresses or work related stress. Last year we relocated to the US for his job. The whole journey has been difficult and expensive! I’m not really happy here and I’ve been looking for a job for around 6 months but competition is rife and I seem to get to interviews and then follow up interviews and then the last hurdle get pipped to the post. The lack of me having a job has been difficult as I haven’t had the opportunity to meet anyone or establish a routine so I’m lonely too. Despite DH earning enough to keep us functioning relatively comfortably, we don’t have money for extra luxuries etc, we have to be careful with groceries, watch what we spend and this is where he becomes difficult. He shouts and plays the blame game, it’s always about how stressed he is and what he’s struggling with. I’m the kind of person who puts a brave face on things and carries on despite having internal struggles, I don’t tend to share them and try to remain functional and positive. He interprets this as me being fine and him being the only person who is carrying the burden of worry. Things then come to a head and we argue and I explain that I’m struggling with settling in here, finances are a worry for me and I’m lonely. He then says I make things about me so I can’t win.

Added to this my DF was diagnosed with an illness 3 months ago and I’m really struggling with that. We are close and I miss him very much. We speak on FaceTime and regularly call but it’s not the same. I don’t feel DH gives any consideration to this.

I feel like 50% of the time he’s a great husband who loves me and does a lot for me. The other 50% of the time I wonder if I should stay with him because if I think about it am I really happy. I appreciate with autism, he struggles to read between the lines and I don’t expect him to second guess my feelings or know I’m unhappy but at times it’s like his world revolves around him and his needs and his feelings and if I’m struggling or unhappy it’s an inconvenience. I have spent 18 years supporting him emotionally and being the “strong one” and sometimes I just wonder who’s supporting me? I’m so mentally exhausted after yet another argument and the house is full of hostility.

I’m a private person so I don’t like to share things with people, especially because I don’t have any friends I’m particularly close with. Those friends I do have think all is fabulous and we made a big life changing move which has been great for us and the DC but in reality I’m so miserable and I miss home and my family and my old life.

If you got to the end, thank you for reading. I’m sorry it was so long, I just needed to type it out to acknowledge how unhappy I actually am and the fact I have no idea what to do about it. The options for coming home are limited to say the least. My DC are settled here and have friends and have started a new life and I’d never leave without them so I’m kind of trapped. Anyway, I’ll stop rambling now.
Thanks again for reading.

Go home, health before wealth, not worth becoming mentally ill for someone who doesn’t see u r struggling.

It’s not that simple due to DC’s being settled. Moving them here was a massive upheaval. Moving them back home wouldn’t be in their best interests. They are at good schools, have lots of friends, actually have a better quality of life here than the U.K. so hence why I feel trapped because there’s no obvious solution.

You say your options for returning home are limited but that means they are not totally impossible. You have been in the U.S under a year, so l am sure your children would re adjust if you went home. If you are that miserable this seems to be the best decision for you.
Or you could have one final attempt at finding some potential friends to ease the loneliness and isolation you are struggling with. Perhaps join some social groups or consider doing some voluntary work just as a means of connecting and building up some friendship groups. You can carry on job hunting in the meantime. Re your husband you say the world revolves around him but from personal experience this can be a typical ASD trait, as l'm sure you are well aware as you've been together a long time and been his chief support throughout.

@Seaoftroubles Yes, you’re right, it is a typical trait and I don’t want to appear that I’m criticising him for something that he’s not in control of as that’s not the case. I’ve spent so long being his biggest advocate and I have been accepting and understanding but sometimes I find it difficult and I think it’s okay to say that sometimes as a partner or someone with ASD, it’s challenging.

I have joined a running group on Facebook as we live near the beach so I’m waiting for the next session of that to go along. Usually you meet people at school when dropping/picking up DC’s but it’s just drop off lanes here and you don’t get out of the car. I will take your advice and look for other groups to join as I am outgoing and sociable, I’m just not feeling my best right now and my confidence isn’t where it was.

Churches are a major source of help and support in most of the US. More important than other social organisations, in my experience.

If you won't consider leaving and coming home, then your options are limited. Put up and shut up being the obvious one. I'll warn you though, you're already a shadow of your former self and this will only accelerate in the current circumstances. You're already subsumed and that will just get worse.

O.P l really feel for you as l know how hard it can be, especially when you you've tried hard to be supportive. I didn't feel you were being critical of him at all, rather l was just acknowledging that this is typical, and he is unlikely to be able to change his views.
Great that you have joined a running group, good for your mental health too.
Don't let this situation dent your confidence if you are usually outgoing. lm sure there is a lot going on to get involved in and how lovely to be near the beach! l'm guessing when you've made a few friends your morale will lift considerably. Maybe you could think about some local part time jobs to start with just to give you a bit of a foothold in the community? That might lead on to something else, you never know. So sorry about your Dad too, but keep doing lots of video calls to reassure yourself he is OK.

You've had a big change, you're adapting. What feels most important to you right now? If you could change one thing, what would it be ? What options have you got for that? I guess you moved for a reason, what are those reasons?

Take a look at the living overseas board, loads of (trapped) trailing spouses on there. Be aware of The Hague convention if it could be deemed that your DC are resident in the US. This is where you’ll come unstuck if you want to return without DH. Not easy at all.