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Original poster

Sense ds age 12 growing distant

22 replies

thevery · 15/04/2023 10:32

My eldest ds is 12 and a delight. He is funny, kind, doing well at school, into his sports and gives us no trouble whatsoever. But lately I just feel like there is a sort of distance between us. For example, monosyllabic replies when I text him. Far fewer cuddles, he would never initiate one and seems mortified by me if we are out and about.

This is in stark contrast to his younger brother who is 9 and still likes me to get in his bed and read to him at bedtimes and prides himself on being giver of the best cuddles.

I know that this is normal to an extent as we enter the teenage years, but the thing that is bothering me slightly is that he is different with Dh. So he stayed at his grandparents for the night and I text to see how he was an got a minimal response, whereas dh did the same and got lengthy description of what he'd been doing, what he'd had for tea etc. I told him he'd need to pack a waterproof coat to go, and he said he didn't, but when DH said the same to him, he acquiesced. I did call him out on this and he apologised.

I feel like I'm some sort of nagging shrew who he has total disdain for. Any advice or this this normal?

OP posts:

Cleoforever · 15/04/2023 10:35

I could honestly repeat what you’ve written word for word. I am shocked actually!

I am just trying to ignore the disdain as much as possible (but rudeness - absolutely not). And live for the times he softens and I get my boy back.

I suspect it will be like this for a good few years yet!

Ambergrain · 15/04/2023 10:46

Totally and utterly normal. Give it a few months and he'll only be coming out of his bedroom for food or phone chargers. I wish I was joking but this is normal teenage behaviour 🙄😊

2chocolateoranges · 15/04/2023 10:47

Welcome to the wonderful world of pre teens and teenagers.

Flatandhappy · 15/04/2023 10:49

It is actually a totally normal part of the healthy development of boys to move away from a close relationship with their mothers towards their fathers who they start to identify more with at that age, or indeed a bit earlier. Google it and you will get the academic/psychological references. Doesn’t stop it hurting but I always think once you know it’s normal it’s easier to deal with.

Cafog · 15/04/2023 10:49

You've described my 11year old DS to a T.

Cleoforever · 15/04/2023 10:51

And yes OP very very much directed at just me

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 15/04/2023 11:29

He's 12, it's nothing personal. We're biologically wired to start distancing ourselves from our parents as we go through puberty, it's a healthy part of growing up.

It often first manifests with the opposite sex parent as well. Teens gravitate to their peers. While you husband isn't the same age as your son, he is the same sex, so he's more "peer-like" than you.

It can be a rough few years, and he will probably be rude and grumpy to you often, but he's literally trying to break down his relationship with you at the moment and reform it as something more equal. It can be painful, but it is healthy.

coffeeisthebest · 15/04/2023 11:32

I agree, it's normal OP. If you are feeling hurt I would discuss it with your partner but just let your son do what he needs to do, although clearly pulling up rude behaviour/speech still obviously ok. It isn't exactly personal to you as he needs to do this to grow, so try not to take it too much to heart.

Hbh17 · 15/04/2023 11:38

Isn't this a normal, healthy part of growing up? Nobody wants to see a 12 year old boy being too dependent on his mother.

Original poster

thevery · 15/04/2023 12:28

It is reassuring to know that this is normal and developmentally healthy.

I think I'd feel better if he was being like this with both of us but I see why it is happening.

I'll enjoy ds2's affection while it lasts!

OP posts:

coffeeisthebest · 15/04/2023 12:32

Yes definitely enjoy the attention from your youngest while it's there. You could try and address the lack of balance of how he treats you and your partner but I would keep it light hearted if you can otherwise you are being emotionally needy and that isn't fair on him.

DramaAlpaca · 15/04/2023 12:46

Normal, normal, normal, and I say that as a mother of three boys in their 20s.

It can be a tough few years, but by the time they reach adulthood they'll be back to their affectionate selves. Getting wrapped up in a massive hug by your adult son is one of life's great joys.

GreyCarpet · 15/04/2023 12:54

It's more noticeable with you because you've most likely been the primary caregiver. So you are the one he feels the need to separate from as he grows up and becomes more independent.

As someone has already said, he is looking to his dad now (subconsciously or otherwise) to learn how to become a man. He doesn't need 'mummy' and cuddles in bed anymore.

My son went through similar. He's now mid 20s and we go out for the evening and spend hours chatting on the phone. You'll both come out the other side 😉

CremeEggThief · 15/04/2023 12:56

It's called becoming a teenager and a natural desire for independence.

piedbeauty · 15/04/2023 18:34

Flatandhappy · 15/04/2023 10:49

This.

Teapleasebobb · 15/04/2023 20:12

I'm dreading this . Ds is 10, gives me hugs all the time and is always telling me he loves me. I know that as soon as he hits high school, it's all going to change, so Im making the most of the hugs whilst he's giving them out freely!

OneFrenchEgg · 15/04/2023 20:53

My 15 year old is back to being chatty and friendly and buggy. hold fast it passes. I think I got it wrong first time round and over reacted/ got upset. My second two are really close again. My first took a lot longer but is polite and offers some conversation at times.

waterrat · 15/04/2023 21:29

I could have written this ! It hurts and its far sooner than i expected

A feeling that my 11 year old ìs mainly slightly distant..thinks im mainly a bit embarassinf particularly in front of friends and has no desire to fo anything with me.

I have an 8 year old who is my little shadow ....but feels odd and sad to have a child still in primary who i dont feel much joy in parebting as the closesness seems gone a lot of the time

Clementineorsatsuma · 16/04/2023 08:22

There's normal, then there's online influence.
Misogyny is huge within young males atm. You. Red to see if he has been influenced by supporters of Andrew Tate and Stephen Bear.
Schools are taking it seriously. So should parents.

Original poster

thevery · 16/04/2023 11:36

I do monitor his phone/screen time pretty closely and I am a secondary teacher and frequent reader of the feminism boards on here so I feel well informed on Andrew Tate and online misogyny - although of course I will continue to be vigilant about it.

OP posts:

DelilahBucket · 16/04/2023 11:40

If it is of any consolation my DS would not give hugs or kisses from about 10. Saying goodbye was a fist bump. He's 15 now and this past couple of weeks has suddenly started giving me a hug when we're saying goodbye or even just randomly.

Another2022 · 16/04/2023 18:22

Happens the other way round too..my daughters exactly the same with me (her dad). It took a few months for me to see this as it is and now I just roll my eyes in my mind whenever she’s being stroppy teenager. Weird though cos she’ll still come out of it some days. Proper Jekyll and Hyde stuff!
Got three more to go but I’ll. know what’s going on for them!

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