I don't know how to feel better

[Minimalme]

Long story short, I am NC with my birth family (Mother and two siblings). Long history of abuse-siblings chose to keep contact with our Mother so me and another sibling sort of formed our own family.

There are lots of details, but since I don't understand what's happened, I just need to cope with the fact that we have fallen out and I'm pretty sure I have lost her too.

I moved away recently with my family - I had previously been able to offer her lots of free childcare. A few days ago I drive 200+ miles to stay with her and look after her kids while she worked.

She decided my childcare was inadequate and accused me of not properly committing to looking after the kids because I had an online hospital appointment with my eldest son and had to take a call about another son's ehcp.

She got madly angry and sent lots of angry texts while I was out with our five children. She accused me of being like our abusive birth family.

I got our things and left. She was very up in our faces and having experienced dv growing up, I just needed to escape.

She accused me of "always running away" and "not being able to face conflict".

Well, I can't face conflict. I got shouted/screamed at by our Mum and our Dad used to chase me to hit me and I had to lock myself in the bathroom until he had calmed down.

I don't have conflict in my own family. DH and I have got along peacefully for 20 years and our 3 kids are lovely and have been the family I always dreamed of having.

I now feel sad and twisted up inside. I can't get away from this terrible feeling. Sister has done this a few times over the years - she is quite like our Mum and is very good with confrontation.

I sent a text message to suggest we tried to move on but she has ignored it for 3 days.

I think I'm done. I am an idiot for thinking that any member of my birth family wouldn't always view me as substandard.

What can I do to shut off the pain I feel? In lots of ways I am relieved- she had two weeks of childcare planned for me this summer and I realise now that she kind of feels I owe her and that it is her job to tell me when I am failing. Growing up, my parents made lots of jokes about how slow, disorganised, incapable and emotionally soft I am. I just can't process this final blow.

What a mess.

I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I could say that would ease that pain, but I think you sound strong and aware of your own
boundaries and that is such a huge achievement considering your upbringing.

Thank you - it's a battle to not wonder if I'm at fault. Always in the past I would have just taken the criticism and shouting and eventually they would have accepted an apology.

I can see it is a deeply dysfunctional relationship and I do now think it's over because it should be over.

I'm 49 ffs.

I understand, some of my family don't speak to me and I don't know why. The exclusion hurts so much more than I thought possible and makes me feel like a child which I resent. No real advice except the amount of time you think about it does reduce over time even if the hurt doesn't 💐

Don’t shut off the pain - it seems like a good option when things seem overwhelming but it really isn’t a good option long term. Feelings pass and the grief will become less painful if you let yourself feel it. But the only way out of it is through. It’s very hard when you don’t have any other family, I know.

It’s unlikely you’re emotionally soft - it’s more likely that you’re much emotionally aware than your family and they don’t know how to be with you.

You have nothing to apologise for to your sister. Enjoy your free time over the summer and enjoy not having to drive 200 miles for the pleasure! Could you plan some things to look forward to? Maybe join a local group or something to start meeting some new people? It’s okay to acknowledge the good sides of grief too - it sounds like losing this relationship will give you some function and freedom back.

Did your DCs (and her DCs) witness this aggressive emotionally violent behaviour?

If so that’s another reason why you need to take all of your family out of her sphere of abuse.

You must be hugely disappointed that it’s come to this.

I am also NC with some siblings and it’s excruciatingly painful. All I can say is to fill your life up with emotionally healthy and appropriate people.

Do you think she is missing you or feeling abandoned if you have recently moved far away from her? That in no way excuses her behaviour but might explain some of it.

You don't have to be no contact. You can send bday and Xmas cards, you can send the odd text to check in. I find that less dramatic and hurtful to me. But you absolutely deserve to have boundaries. I have triggers, and I have had to turn round to my husband before and say I need to stop this way of arguing because it is triggering for me. Recognising your trauma is epic. Protect your world.
We are programmed to accept our family no matter what. But I don't believe we should. I am 40, we are the Friends generation, and I really took that to heart. I choose my family