Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What does it feel like just after you've walked out of a marriage?

42 replies

Fran490 · 15/04/2023 00:01

What does it feel like the evening/day after you've walked out on your marriage?

Do you feel relieved, sad, numb, happy?

I haven't been married long but my husband has been unkind towards my friends and family, and I'm struggling to see a future.

To walk out feels like a huge and drastic step. I can't imagine how it would feel in the moment, so I thought I'd ask here?

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 15/04/2023 19:22

Fran490 · 15/04/2023 00:01

What does it feel like the evening/day after you've walked out on your marriage?

Do you feel relieved, sad, numb, happy?

I haven't been married long but my husband has been unkind towards my friends and family, and I'm struggling to see a future.

To walk out feels like a huge and drastic step. I can't imagine how it would feel in the moment, so I thought I'd ask here?

Amazon and exhilarating

Newperson4 · 15/04/2023 21:55

Ive told Dh I want to separate tonight. He isn't abusive but he is a moody fucker and honstly, I feel relieved more than anything. Scared and sad for my children.

Frith2013 · 15/04/2023 22:11

3 days of panic, guilt and sadness. I was in a women's refuge for weeks so the first 3 days were shock, I think.

Then 18 years of relief!

SadBut · 15/04/2023 22:58

OhMerde · 15/04/2023 00:46

Horrendous. My decision after 18 years but not one I wanted to take. I couldn't take the abuse any longer but I'm now lonely, have raging anxiety, a lot of resentment and everything feels futile.

This.
Absolutely This
Everyone told me I'd feel better/ relieved
It's been over one year, and still sad, and resentful and regretfull

OhMerde · 15/04/2023 23:02

SadBut · 15/04/2023 22:58

This.
Absolutely This
Everyone told me I'd feel better/ relieved
It's been over one year, and still sad, and resentful and regretfull

Show quote history

I don't regret it. I had no choice but to leave. I just wish I'd left years earlier before my mental health was screwed.

SadBut · 15/04/2023 23:03

Yeah
Maybe I waited far too long

Starseeking · 15/04/2023 23:07

Sad for the future I wanted my DC to have, but happy that there was no longer a dark cloud in my life.

No more dreading what mood I'd get when I came home from work, no more sneering at me, and trying to put me down.

Relief was the overtime feeling, relief that it was over, and I could start being me again.

SadBut · 15/04/2023 23:19

One last thing OP
Looking back I was very close to leaving on several occasions, but made the decision to give my marriage a chance
A chance to get better
Things did NOT get better
They got worse
This is very common in abusive situations
Good luck OP
I hope you find the strength to make the right decisions

WhatsitWiggle · 15/04/2023 23:24

Once I'd told him I didn't want to be married anymore (18 years, shit for at least 10) I felt huge relief. I'd been worried for 6 months prior, and it was like a weight had been lifted. People at work who'd known I'd been struggling commented on how much happier I seemed.

He moved out 5 weeks later, and then I spent a few days crying. But it was like a grief for the ending of my marriage, rather than the loss of him. The relaxed feeling returned pretty quickly - I slept better on my own, I could sit in the lounge and watch what I wanted on TV, I could have absolute silence if I preferred. Bliss!

NormasJeans · 15/04/2023 23:30

A PP has said disorienting, and I agree with that. I felt like I had no home but work gave me consistently.

I strongly felt the loss of in-laws who I had worked hard to build good relationships with but who then did not want anything to do with me.

People seemed to want to make me drink alcohol in the belief that it would do me good, but I didn’t touch any for months as I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold it together if I did.

Worst mistake was going to marriage counselling after I had already left. This reopened wounds on a weekly basis until I said I wasn’t doing it again.

Find a solicitor who is supportive of women and get another if you feel they are not on your side.

I was only married for about two years and was the first divorcee in my family, but nobody cared and when they found out how cruel he had been had said I should have left even sooner. It took a full year to get over but now I am happily married and appreciate a quiet life without chaos. So very glad I cut my losses and left early in the marriage!

Original poster
Fran490 · 16/04/2023 23:29

Thank you all. Can I ask, before you walked out, had you at times doubted your decision and lost the nerve to do it?

I often feel it's the best course of action. But then we have a good day and he's nice - and I momentarily forget the problems and the bad times and I have doubts about leaving. But it's not long before I revert to feeling low about the marriage.

OP posts:
BritInAus · 17/04/2023 00:24

Oh, I spent about five years doing this... it's normal. But deep down you know when it's not right.

Pollydolly13 · 17/04/2023 00:35

Relieved, then shocked, then free.

CallieQ · 17/04/2023 00:52

Free!

cloudybranch · 17/04/2023 06:37

Fran490 · 16/04/2023 23:29

Thank you all. Can I ask, before you walked out, had you at times doubted your decision and lost the nerve to do it?

I often feel it's the best course of action. But then we have a good day and he's nice - and I momentarily forget the problems and the bad times and I have doubts about leaving. But it's not long before I revert to feeling low about the marriage.

It's called the cycle of abuse. It's what keeps you staying. Look it up, it's helpful to see the pattern.

WednesdaysMentor · 17/04/2023 11:48

I am in full on grieving process. With DP for 23 years always other women on the edge of our relationship, full on EA 4 years ago with my friend, an IOU for a milestone birthday, not even a bunch of flowers, i have always know he is selfish and shit with money, and has low self esteem but not enough to end a relationship.

After the birthday fiasco i checked out, things got bad and he moved out and in 8 weeks has moved in with his EA partner from before.

I am devastated, cry all the time, i am grieving and hurt. I was hoping he would use the time apart to work on us and try his best to romance me and help me check back in but he didnt, he spent the time on her.

I was hoping i would be free and happy but still waiting for those feelings

NormasJeans · 17/04/2023 15:12

WednesdaysMentor · 17/04/2023 11:48

I am in full on grieving process. With DP for 23 years always other women on the edge of our relationship, full on EA 4 years ago with my friend, an IOU for a milestone birthday, not even a bunch of flowers, i have always know he is selfish and shit with money, and has low self esteem but not enough to end a relationship.

After the birthday fiasco i checked out, things got bad and he moved out and in 8 weeks has moved in with his EA partner from before.

I am devastated, cry all the time, i am grieving and hurt. I was hoping he would use the time apart to work on us and try his best to romance me and help me check back in but he didnt, he spent the time on her.

I was hoping i would be free and happy but still waiting for those feelings

🌸Flowers for you, even if he couldn’t be bothered. I was married a fraction of the time you were and had no children involved and it took me a full year to feel optimistic about the future. Give yourself time. During marriage counselling, when I was too upset to even engage, the counsellor told me humans do not respond well to a major change in their lives. I recall he said it takes three to four years for lots of people to start to feel better after a huge and sudden change. It will happen.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page