He is dismissive

[Floraltie]

My boyfriend has just messaged to say he has picked up his daughters and they are at his house now. I assumed he might see his daughters as he sometimes meets them on alternate Saturdays but he had not said anything till now. He has picked them up earlier and has them tonight on Friday evening.

I completely understand he wants to see his daughters and family is important but did he not think to say to tell his girlfriend who he is in a relationship with what he was up to this weekend. It's like he thinks he is single and that I don't need to know. I really hope he doesn't expect me to just meet up last minute on Sunday. How do you discuss this without coming across as controlling?

I am not trying to stop him seeing daughters at all. I actively encourage him to keep contact as they have been through some difficult times the last few months where psychiatric help is needed and I said he needs to support them and he shrugs his shoulders saying leave them to it. I don't like his dismissive attitude.

Fuck off, this can't be real. What is wrong with people on here?

He doesn't live with you and he didn't have plans with you and he has children. Why should he have to tell you when he's seeing them?

How long are you together?

He will always choose his kids over u, as he should, get over it.

"did he not think to say to tell his girlfriend who he is in a relationship with what he was up to this weekend"

"My boyfriend has just messaged to say he has picked up his daughters and they are at his house"

So he did think to tell you. Maybe a bit late but sometimes arrangements are made on the spur of the moment?

this sounds like a really clever response.

But actually, being a parent doesn’t give you a free pass to treat other people poorly. If you aren’t willing to treat someone you’re in a relationship with basic respect by, for example, communicating with them about things… maybe you should be single.

The problem here is much less about contact with children and more about a man who doesn’t talk to his girlfriend about basic stuff like weekend plans.

@Floraltie given he clearly just sees you as a casual option to pick up when it suits him… is this the relationship you want?

Even more so if he has form for expecting you to just be available, last minute, when he calls.

It sounds like you want a more meaningful relationship than this.

He did tell you? It says so in your OP. Did you have plans to see him? If so, it was rude of him to cancel last minute. If not, why does it matter if he decides to see his daughters? And how much advance notice of him seeing his daughters do you need?

I suspect the problem is that there’s literally no real communication there. The OP wants a boyfriend who makes plans for weekends with her - or shares when he’s not going to in advance. Instead she’s finding out via text on a Friday night that he’s made plans and she’s anticipating he’s going to last minute expect to see her on Sunday when he’s a loose end.

The daughters bit is a total red herring here. The OP’s problem is that she wants a relationship that’s quite different to what this man is offering.

But the OP hadn’t made plans with him either? She’d got to Friday night and hadn’t made any plans with him, so it’s likely he assumed she was busy/had plans.

Nope, would not stand for that - fine to see your DC, not fine when the days change to when you'd normally meet and you are informed real time as it happens with no warning. However, never assume you are meeting just because you have on that day in the past. Ask outright. I've kind of been there a tad, though it didn't last as its a sign you are low in importance- lower that you should want to be. At last meeting, if no plans made for next one and nothing set by mid-week, just do your own thing with your mates, family, self. Then if you get an ' I'm free' with not much warning, let them know you've made other plans. It's tricky, I suspect I've had 'got the DC' as an excuse when they haven't really. But, there's not a lot you can do but be understanding of it - if plans are last minute all the time though it's totally fair to step away.

Thanks for seeing what I was getting at. There is no communication. He really doesn't care to communicate to me his plans.

Do you normally just wait and see if he wants to see you at weekends? It seems very passive (not saying that to be cruel, it’s just an observation). If I wanted to see my partner at the weekend I’d initiate making plans, or alternatively if he hadn’t initiated it I would make plans with friends etc. He probably thinks he can just say the word and you’ll come running.

What had you already told him you were doing? You say he didn’t tell you anything but you’ve failed to include what you’d already told him the plans were. Comes across as ridiculous.

I'm glad you made that observation. It is passive behaviour and really by Thursday night I should make alternative plans when he clearly does not want to meet. He must be laughing that he can pick me up when he likes.

Why do you feel that you have to wait for him?

As you're apparently in a relationship with him, you could always ask him what his plans are.