How do I get my dd back?

[creaamontop]

I asked Stbxh to leave Xmas 2021 as he was addicted to a number of drugs inc Valium and alcohol. He was truly awful to dd1 and I, less so to dd2 as she's so placid, she doesn't call out his shit behaviour.

He left me with dd1s 14 hobby, not doing his 50% share, which takes up a lot of time. This left dd2 12 alone a lot, she was also sad about the breakup. Dd1 went off the rails around august, eventually cutting her dad out because of flashbacks around his emotional abuse and it's been really hard. She was so angry and volatile, the house resembled ww3 for a few months. During this time, dad has swooped in and taken her under his wing, he is doing better than he was but still smoking weed, manipulative (ie told her if she stays with him he'll use the saved cm money to buy her things, telling her I cheated on him to turn her against me) and mainly ignoring dd1 ( she started speaking to him again) as she still calls him out on his bullshit.

I miss dd2 so much, I hardly see her now, it's like he has her under a spell. I'm obviously texting her every day, trying to arrange things, etc, but he's basically planning things for her back to back. I'm mostly just terrified of the influence he has on her, telling her weed is good for you, feeding her constant takeaway, not making her clean her teeth or shower. I feel it's just another shafting from him and I just want my kid back, for at least half the time. I've been there for them all their lives while he's been intermittently abusing drugs and is, and then promising the world. She was so young, she's just forgotten and forgiven, bless her.

Any perspectives on what I should do? Her and I get on like a house on fire, there's been no fall out, just a gradual shift towards spending all this time with him. He's living with his mum who he has running about after him so he can give his undivided attention 🙄

How sad.

Just be there for her. I imagine she's caught up in it for now. Take aways, spending money etc. If she's got some sense though, after a while it's likely the novelty will wear off and she'll actually want the routine of home and a more sensible lifestyle.

Be honest with her about realising DD1 took more than her fair share of your time and let her know you'll make sure you're there for her from now on.

I have a DD1 who has ADHD and ASD. I know about a household being like WW3 and I also feel my DD2 doesn't always get a fair share of attention. Sometimes it's like being caught in an impossible cycle. All you can do is be there and ready for her when she realises she needs you.

Thanks for replying. Dd1 has settled down a lot thankfully but dd2 never here to see it. I mainly have her for an outing for a few hours or when she wants her friends round, then she's off again. I posted last week about him having her sleep beside him which I think she's also now reliant on. I get it's comforting for her but she's always been independent and slept in her own bed, it's like he's using that to keep her attached to him

she's so placid

This jumped out at me. Sounds like she is used to being deprioritised and suppressing her feelings. Very common in younger children with volatile parents and / or dysfunctional older siblings. It's dangerous because they'll appear like the "easy" ones but be silently stewing with resentment, not able to speak about it, and end up more damaged in the long run with worse family relationships.

You need to be consistent and play the long game. I think she'll eventually come back to you but you need to just keep doing what you're doing - reprioritising her, protecting her from her sibling and showing her that you love her.

lundybancroft.com/rebuilding-severed-relationships/

@JanglyBeads that's so helpful thank you!

@MisschiefMaker I think you're absolutely right, she's been quietly miserable for years, I feel so guilty for not leaving sooner

Bancroft is very good on the effects of witnessing abuse on children, both during and after.

You might want to read his book When Dad hurts Mom.