How can I phrase this to newish boyfriend

[Shivroysaveloy]

So I’ve been seeing a very nice man for a few months. I like him, and I think he’s keen. Things have been really easy sofar, good communication, he comes up with ideas for dates and seems to want to spend time with me. So far so good! But he hasn’t really told me what he likes about me, and I feel
like I want to know. It’s not a reassurance thing, it’s more that I want him to express himself a bit. Not looking for the big ‘I love you’, neither of us are particularly sentimental, but I’d just like some personal sentiments if that makes sense. It all feels a bit perfunctory although I know he does like me, no question about monogamy or anything on his part.
I was thinking of broaching it - should I - and see if I can get a bit more of a romantic vibe going. But how do I do this? I don’t want to sound like I’m pressuring him, it’s more to do with creating a soft/more intimate connection. Any advice? I’m happy to tell him why I like him but worried the conversation will dry up unless I have some pointers!!

Hmm it will come across as asking for reassurance I think

I've been married for thirty odd years, I'm not sure my DH said what he liked about me within the first few months of dating.
Our feelings towards each other were pretty obvious and I don't think it warranted a discussion.
Of course, if he said I admire your intelligence and wit I'd think, what's up with my appearance? It's a dangerous one 😂

I don't think I've ever had that conversation with a partner or even my exH.
Maybe that's odd but if the relationship works, I don't see the need to poke around to see why it works.
It feels a bit mid teen reassurance to me.

Prompting someone to say what you want to hear is a bit like telling someone what to buy you for a surprise present.

Hmm. Useful replies, thanks. It probably does sound a bit needy - maybe it actually is - but I’m interested in why he thinks it’s good. More the conversation than wanting or needing him to prop me up in any way. I suppose I just want to know why he’s with me, and not someone else. I like those togetherness chats, it can be affirming and warm and nice (if done in a good way, maybe quite lightly and with some humour!)

You start by telling him what you really like about him. Sort of "I love how you get my humour", that sort of thing. You'll get reciprocation in that way, maybe not immediately, but he'll think about it.

I think asking a direct question can seem too needy - and many men might struggle to articulate their thoughts.

My BF is also very difficult to read and he doesn't what he likes about me or throw compliments around either.

I bought us a card deck/game type thing called "our Moments" when we had a long car journey coming up. It had loads of questions in there that you ask each other. A complete mixture of basic questions about their childhood for example - but also some questions that open up discussion about what you think of each other.

Might help you - I got it form Amazon i think.

When I had been dating my wife for two months, I decided to make her a list of reasons why dating her was awesome. I didn't mind whether she reciprocated or not (I guess I was feeling pretty self-assured) - I just thought it might be nice for her. She did reciprocate shortly afterwards. Maybe something like that could work if you feel up for it? (I didn't write it in a really dramatic/needy way - I kept in mind that I wanted to feel OK about it even if she didn't really react much.)

I got asked in an interview once how would your manager describe you in 3 words, try something that like but make it a bit of fun? Don’t be needy though, he obviously likes you so don’t forget that!

Maybe you need to start it, compliment what you like about him, if you don't get a similar response back, I'd be surprised.

If a newish man asked me what I liked about him it would put me right off. I imagine I would roll my eyes and think "FFS". It comes across as needy and, if not that, at the very least artificial as though he wanted me to make a list.

Can't you just go with the flow? I assumed DH liked me when we met because we laughed together, had great chats etc. You can tell when someone is into you, it doesn't really need verbalising does it?

My last boyfriend kept asking me what I liked about him, it appeared needy and like he was fishing for compliments. If they appear to like you and want to spend time with you, you shouldn't need more explanation then that.

"I suppose I just want to know why he’s with me, and not someone else."

OP that definitely sounds needy! You are putting yourself down, wondering why he's with you. Why not think about why you are with him. Value yourself more!

What if he gives the "wrong" answer; "you remind me of my first girlfriend" (he's hankering after her), "I love your curves" (he thinks I'm fat), "you're great in bed" (he's only interested in sex), "you have lovely eyes" (he hates the rest of my face) etc etc.

Honestly, don't poke the dragon, just let things flow.

I've never had to ask as I've been told first. That's pretty normal in a relationship I would think? I regularly tell my partner why I love him and he does the same. It could be that he's a bit bone-headed about stuff like this, it could be that he's not that into you. I think you should tell him (naturally, ungushingly and in general convo so it's not a big deal) something you really like about him and see what happens.

I like that, don’t poke the dragon 😂

Yes, I can see why it might come across as needy and I so don’t want to appear this way!! I just want that nice oxytocin type of bonding you get when you’re in tune and feeling good about each other. But I suppose it can’t be forced can it. We talk about all kinds of stuff and the click is there, but I’d really like to hear something that shows me how he feels. Oh dear!! Maybe we’ll just need to drink a lot of wine and see where it goes 😁

Lots of concerns about being 'needy' here on the thread. We are all needy. We would all, if healthy, say something, if our needs were not being met in our relationship. You don't worry about how you 'seem' or 'how you come across': be yourself say what you want, what you like, what you need. If he doesn't choose to come up with the goods, he's not your guy. If he feels you're 'too needy', that means you're too needy for him. There is no 'correct' level of need, so nobody can be 'too' needy.

Really surprised to see that lots of people think that wanting a bit of romance from your partner is needy. Most people want that themselves, don't they? Are all PPs saying that if their partner showed them no romance in the initial dating stages, they wouldn't have preferred some?

I like those togetherness chats, it can be affirming and warm and nice

I'd start with this, OP. Tell him this, and that you'll start. Then tell him what you really like about him. If he doesn't follow suit, walk. Life's too short for teaching someone you've yet to fall in love with how they should treat you.

I just want that nice oxytocin type of bonding you get when you’re in tune and feeling good about each other. But I suppose it can’t be forced can it

No, it can't, but it can be instigated.

You 'think he's keen' after a few months together? What else would he be, why would he have spent several months with you if he didn't like you? ...

Well, Bleurghhhhhh, people do get together and stay together for all sorts of reasons, not all of them romantic - for security, for sex, to not be lonely, for financial support, to name a few.

I’d like his reasons to be solely romantic, of course. Mine are, so I expect the same.

Watchkeys, thanks, your replies make sense to me.

What is it you like about him? Do you tell him that, specifically?

Isn't the whole "nice oxytocin bonding" thing sort of the opposite if someone giving you a list of specific things they like?

I mean, isn't the idea that you just generally click with each other, have sexual chemistry, similar sense of humour? (Clue- you know he likes your sense of humour if he laughs at the same things you do). "I love your beautiful blue eyes" sounds like the sort of superficial thing a cheesy lothario might say to chat a woman up.

I think I'd find it really weird if my DH said "I fancy you because your hair is a lovely colour", or "I love you because you're so calm in a crisis".

I don't think my husband said what he liked about me until we were preparing for our wedding and were prompted to do so by our celebrant. We'd been together six years by then. Ten years on I don't believe he has ever repeated his thoughts!

That's great for you, but that's not what makes OP happy, as she's said, so is it relevant?

It might be. Op's partner could be totally weirded out at being handed a script.

I’m probably the wrong person to ask, as after a few months we decided to have a baby 🤣 thank god it worked out. Was head over heels from the moment we met. So it didn’t warrant a discussion either.

(now expecting baby no2!😃)

That wouldn't make the comment relevant.