Struggling with age gap relationships

[bananaboat1]

Is anyone else only attracted to older men? Any tips to get over this? For reference I’m 26 and I’m only attracted to men in their 40s (been this way since I started dating). I don’t know what’s wrong with me!! I can acknowledge that guys around my age are attractive but I’m just not attracted to them if that makes sense. I’m starting to worry because obviously these men are all further along in life than me with a lot more life experience and I’m not sure a relationship like this could ever really work. I’m also starting to get a bit grossed out at the thought of a man that old being attracted to me but it hasn’t changed how I feel towards them🤦🏻‍♀️

Hi OP. Not sure why you think you need to get over it. These relationships can work, but can come with issues. I met my H when I was 24 and 41. But there can be issues with these age gap relationships especially after a while.

I’m not sure why you find this so repugnant. You’re both consenting adults. 40s is FAR from old. What’s the issue?

Wait till you experience ED issues....you may change your mind swifty....

@DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84

I guess the judgement from other people has played a massive part in how I feel now. I’ve been in 2 relationships - both men were in their mid 40s and everyone I told was weirded out by it, questioned their intentions, questioned why I would date someone as old as my parents😬

@xfan

I did experience it briefly - even that didn’t sway me

I am the same. 29 and my partner is 41. My friends and family didn’t question it because I’ve always been quite mature for my age so it made sense that I’d probably settle down with an older guy. I spent a decade (16-26) with a man who was the same age as me and it was disastrous throughout.

So I guess what I’m saying is, “do you”, if it’s what you want then don’t let the judgement of others stop you. So long as any relationship you have is healthy, of course.

I forgot to add, it’s also important to have those ‘big conversations’ earlier on in my opinion when your partner is older. E.g I have never wanted my own children, not bothered about living with someone again, so it was fine for us as were on the same page. But if you wanted kids or marriage, they may not want the same, so definitely have those conversations first.

however if the thought of them fancying you grosses you out then maybe you need to look into that..

I’ve been in two relationships with large age gaps… exh was 12 years older than me, next partner was 14 years older than me. Not one person expressed judgement or implied they were weirded out. In both cases our social groups/friends mixed really well together.

It's fine at the start when he/she is fit and healthy and it's loves young/middle age dream but roll on a couple of decades and it's not so appealing for a lot of reasons. Stamina and health wise...I am younger than my partner and find it hard going now he's in his late 70s and has both physical and mental health issues.

26-40 is very different to 56-70. Maybe this isn't life partner territory, when you are 35 you might still fancy men in their 40's and that may be better for the long term. Or split the difference, target ones in their mid-30s?

@DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84

Aah that’s good that worked out for you! All of my friends and family think it’s odd and question why they aren’t going after women their own age

Daddy ishoos

Sorry I and most I know think it's gross. If any of my male friends now in their 40s went with a woman in their 20s I would cut them off.
So a man can get older with his peers and then be with someone young.

Yes exactly.. why? For grim reasons.

There was a 23 year age gap with me and my partner - I was 24 when we met and he was 47.

I'm now 32 and actually just broken up with him, as of last week.

The beginning of our relationship aligned much more with how I wanted to live, but in the last 4 years or so once he was in his fifties, he stopped wanting to do new things and have new experiences - he went from an interesting older man with experience, to someone with a strong "been there and done that" attitude towards life in general and I just didn't want to settle for the life of a middle aged person in my early thirties.

We did talk about children very early on in the relationship, I was very clear I wanted them and he said he would have one with me, but as I was so young I didn't feel ready to be a mum in my mid twenties.. And now I've come to the harsh realization that I don't want children with someone so much older than me, and if we were going to have children together we should have done it years ago, not with him at the age of 55.

I've realised he's not my life partner, and I feel heartbroken for hurting him so much, but for me it wasn't meant to be.

So my advice is - your intentions of a relationship might be to just have some fun and spend time with an older, more interesting person, but just think about how you'd feel if it did go long term - I didn't and feel horrendous guilt that I should have thought about all those realities before we had got so serious.

Why don’t you just date them - rather than think of that as leading to marriage.

I get why you find men in their 40s attractive - they have life experiences, more settled and secure financially, know how to treat women. Etc.
This is what you get from dating them.

As so men in their 40s dating women in their 20s - it’s also very clear what they are getting - ego boost; feeling they are young again; having someone who isn’t their equal and who is easier to manipulate/control, etc.

So - as long as both sides are clear what they are getting from the relationship - why not.

Once you are closer to wanting to actually settle down and have a family - say in your 30s - find someone in early 40s - and so your age difference won’t be as big.
In the long term - you really won’t want to be in your 40s yourself with a partner in his 60s. (Or 50s—-70s, etc)

Iv never recieved negative comments OP in regards to my age-gap relationship. Noone has ever said anything bad about us when we met and got married 3 years later at 27 and 44. I don't think most people would find it weird if it was an even match with good intentions from either party.
At the end of the day don't worry about what people think the only one that matters is you.

My husband is 16 years older than me, we started dating when I was 20.
I had absolutely no interest in lads my age (even in my early teens I fancied blokes nearer to 30 but never acted on it/nothing happened for obvious reasons!!!)
It doesn't have to be an issue if that is what you prefer, as long as you are confident you can hold your own in life (ie he doesn't become the default decision maker because he's older and 'has more experience') just date who you are attracted to!

It’s not strange - I think a lot of women are attracted to older men. I’m 24 and my ex (recently broken up) is 38. As long as you are on the same page about (1) not being in the same financial position as him, (2) not being at the same point in your career or life as him, (3) and the future, e.g him aging before you, then all is good. People were shocked when I told people about my ex’s age, but that’s their problem.

Also to add - I also acknowledge that some men my own age are attractive, but find it difficult to find them sexually attractive. We’re all wired differently, I guess!

Do you run your life, or do you run it according to the judgement of others?

We can't change who we're attracted to. If we could, unrequited love wouldn't have a name. It's really common to be attracted to people we wish we weren't attracted to. Many gay people would have turned straight if they could, especially in years gone by. There is literally nothing we can do about our attractions, only our behaviours. Same with food: you can't force yourself to dislike something you like, otherwise we'd all choose to love salad and hate chocolate hobnobs. Same with hobbies: you can't force yourself to love running marathons and to hate Netflix.

If you don't want to be with an older guy, keep looking for a younger one until you find one you like, and don't opt for an older guy you fancy. It might or might not work, but there's little else you can do. Perhaps if you're still single at 40, you might be happy with someone your own age? Worse things have happened.

People in their 40s aren't old, and relationships with the age gap you mention aren't rare. I'd find something better to worry about if I were you, otherwise you'll cause yourself a bunch of worry for no reason at all.

DH is older than me. Retired but extremely fit and healthy with a positive mindset to maintain that. He is my very best friend and I don't care about the age gap. I will care for him if necessary, as he has cared for me through injury and serious illness.

Perviously I had two boyfriends my age. One developed a degenerative illness and died aged 52. The other died of cancer aged 54. You simply don't know what life will bring.

Go for it OP, it could be the best thing you ever do.

Too be honest, if one of my 40something male friends rocked up to the pub with a 20 something new girl friend I would find it a bit odd to be honest. And for all the 'I'm quite mature for my age' pronouncements there will still be a massive imbalance of power (income/home owner/life experience etc) and the bloke could be carrying an awful lot of baggage. Quite why a young women would want to get involved in that kind of set up is beyond me. When you are in your prime you will be a borderline carer to a man struggling to get out of the arm chair.

Also when they develop a chronic illness and you have to be a carer.

I've had friends who married men 12+ years older and it was great when they were 33 and DHs were 45+. DHs had well-developed careers, they could be SAHM and never had to work. They had big houses, 2 flash cars, granite worktops in the kitchens etc and basically wanted for nothing.

Now friends are 63 and the DHs are 75+, retired, taking a shed-load of medication (that they need reminding about), having stents fitted, pacemakers required, suffering with arthritis (so bed moved downstairs), on waiting list for new hips, starting with dementia, etc and needing a carer not a wife.