Long term relationship, awful sex life.

[SavannahKT]

Hi,
I am a little embarrassed by what you’re about to read, but I figured this is the only platform where I feel I can discuss this freely with real people.
I know there will be a lot of judgment about how I should have addressed this years ago or comments about how much of a coward I am, you’re all right and I am willing to go through that to get some much needed advice!

Bit of a background - I have been with my partner for 15 years, he was my first and only one, we have a 2yo child together.
I have always been kind of a “big girl” body type (tall, but still chubby), and that, basically since childhood, has always made me feel totally insecure about the way I look.

My partner and I have a great relationship, except for sex. Sex has been a disaster for me since the beginning, meaning that I have never been able to reach an orgasm (which I am able to do through masturbation).
Intercourse was/is too quick, there’s never been the “right” atmosphere (we’re always in a rush for some reason or another), still to this day my partner does not know how I like to be touched (I have never told him to be honest).
I was young and I never had the balls to address the matter, firstly because I thought I was the problem (I hoped that, If I lost some of the weight, things/my confidence would have improved - sadly that was not the case), and then I did not want to hurt his feelings.
But time has gone by, and this became like one of those things that I thought I could sweep under the carpet and leave there forever. I was wrong.
It was something minor that could have been fixed at the beginning of the relationship, but now it’s become so big and serious that could potentially undermine us as a couple.

Now with a young child and demanding jobs, we lead a busy life. I am ashamed to say that I got to the point where sex is like a chore to me, and I try to avoid it as much as possible. When we do it, I can’t wait for it to be over as I find it boring and meaningless (it doesn’t last that much anyway).

On the one hand, after all this years, I have lost hope that something can change, but on the other hand I guess I am annoyed that, despite having never faked anything, my partner has never ever questioned why I am always silent during sex, why I never initiate it, or not even whether I like it or not…?
I guess I could have spoken up a long time ago. But I should also admit that I have a general problem with speaking up for myself.
How pathetic am I?

We love each other, he’s always been very affectionate, but recently he’s beginning to feel hurt by my excuses and my avoidance of sex. He is starting to ask if anything is wrong.
I don’t think we can go on like this much longer, it’s not fair on either side, but how do I break the subject without breaking my relationship?

Is anything wrong?

Yes dear, I think we need to work a bit harder on our physical relationship.
I think we've forgotten how to touch each other, and find out what we like. I don't really enjoy the way we have sex at the moment.

This.

He's asking. So tell him. Tell him your body feels different since the baby came if you don't want to dredge up 15 years of shit sex.

Presumably he's lazy at foreplay? So tell him you need more time to be ready for penetration. Don't let him penetrate you until you're feeling ready which may mean orgasm for you first. Show him what you like or tell him until you're turned on so you actually want his penis inside you. Once he's finished, tell him you're not there yet and ask him to help. Show him what works.

I'm a man (in case that's relevant) and I agree with the other comments that the only way is to talk with him. My suggestion is to do it in a positive way, which may motivate him more. You could say something like "I love you and I would like to have an awesome sex life together. I'd love to try doing one or two new things that might feel great for me. Would you like to try some things with me and see how they go for us?" (Only if this is what you want, of course.) Does he tend to be open to discussing things, or does he easily get defensive? Did he have much sexual experience before you? He may also have spent years with you not really knowing that things could be different.

I don't know why any man wouldn't want to see his partner shaking with an orgasm. Can't you show him what you enjoy and lets him try doing the same?

Just tell him how to please you, he will want to know. Don't tell him you've never orgasmed with him though

As someone said above just say your body feels different since the baby and you need more foreplay to get turned on these days. Schedule some time and just show him around!