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Original poster

When was you ready to date again (single mums)

15 replies

OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 00:59

I have been separated from my children’s father many years now and think it’s about time I started to date again. I have been single longer than any single mums I know so I do think I have to put myself back out there, how long did you wait before dating again? (I know some people chose to stay single so this is aimed at those that have met someone since)

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 14/04/2023 01:13

I guess I'm at a similar stage had DD at 23 (14 years single if that beats your record) and chose to stay single and focus on the two of us when she was smaller. She's now a teen and developing her own life away from me.

I've been on my own so long and although I had boyfriends when a teen and through uni I have no idea how to be in an actual proper adult relationship. When I look at the men my age now they are 'men' with body hair, full beards, receding hair lines, the start of wrinkles no issue with any of these but the last man I dated was 22, couldn't have grown a beard if he tried and still in that lanky teen/young adult stage. So even that is massively different.

I guess you wait until your children need you less, when they are settled with their arrangements (or not) with dad and secure in that relationship. When they are old enough not to need childcare as that logistically makes dating challenging. When you have dealt with any previous relationship trauma if present and completed counselling / Womens aid courses if relevant. Dating is expensive, new clothes, activities and meals out so when you are financially settled.

Goatbilly · 14/04/2023 08:05

How old are you and your children? What do you expect from "dating" ie for it to go "somewhere" cohabitation/marriage?

Eatentoomanyroses · 14/04/2023 08:09

I dated again a year after I separated. It was about another year and a half before I met my now dh.

JMSA · 14/04/2023 08:20

I first started to dabble in online dating 4 years after the split.
My children came first.

daffodilandtulip · 14/04/2023 08:22

Are you doing it because you want to, or because you think you should?

I've been single since 2012 and did date quite a bit early on, but now I can't think of anything worse!

SittingOnTheChair · 14/04/2023 08:25

I dabbled in dating 6 months after my split. But my child was a young teen and it was kept well away from him. Although 'dabbling' I remained single for 6 years.

milkysmum · 14/04/2023 08:42

I've been single for 4 years now after splitting from DCs dad. Im early 40s, and the thought of dating now seems hard, but at the same time I don't want to be on my own forever either.

isthistheendtakeabreath · 14/04/2023 08:51

I'm waiting for the divorce to be finalised - which I would say will be about 9 months from separation and then I'll see how I feel. My children are very young and I'm in no rush to be honest as I'm not even sure when or how I'll find the time to meet someone. But I feel too young to be single but at the same time too old to date. But seems like everyone has moved OLD these days and it's a concept I'm not really used to or that certain I even like the idea of.

anthurium · 14/04/2023 09:00

I'm a solo mum by choice (with a donor conceived child) so no ex partner in the picture.
I have a young DC (under 2) and limited time and no childcare other than nursery during the week.

I had a number of relationships before I had my DC (as I wanted to settle down with someone but never found anyone suitable!). I have since had several coffee dates on my lunch breaks just to see how I feel about the whole dating thing and it's rather disappointing. Back in my childfree days I most likely would have given a couple of these men I'd met time of day bit now with a real focus and responsibility of raising a child, they were not worth any more effort than an 1hr on my lunch break. Maybe they weren't right, but I think I had so much empty time to fill it, it didn't seem like a "waste" of time whereas now it definitely would be to have pursued some of them.

I also don't want to cohabit or anything like that in the future, so I'm not sure how you progress things when you want to shield your child from your romantic life...I sometimes feel the best I could do is an occasional FWB rathen than dating and emotionally entangling myself with someone. I don't mind being single, but do occasionally miss the physical intimacy of being with someone.

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 12:23

Definitely not looking for a fwb type thing, done that when I was younger and it never ended well. Saying that I don’t think I want to live with someone either but wouldn’t rule it out completely once mine were a bit older, youngest is 6 oldest is 12.

OP posts:
isthistheendtakeabreath · 14/04/2023 14:22

anthurium · 14/04/2023 09:00

I'm a solo mum by choice (with a donor conceived child) so no ex partner in the picture.
I have a young DC (under 2) and limited time and no childcare other than nursery during the week.

I had a number of relationships before I had my DC (as I wanted to settle down with someone but never found anyone suitable!). I have since had several coffee dates on my lunch breaks just to see how I feel about the whole dating thing and it's rather disappointing. Back in my childfree days I most likely would have given a couple of these men I'd met time of day bit now with a real focus and responsibility of raising a child, they were not worth any more effort than an 1hr on my lunch break. Maybe they weren't right, but I think I had so much empty time to fill it, it didn't seem like a "waste" of time whereas now it definitely would be to have pursued some of them.

I also don't want to cohabit or anything like that in the future, so I'm not sure how you progress things when you want to shield your child from your romantic life...I sometimes feel the best I could do is an occasional FWB rathen than dating and emotionally entangling myself with someone. I don't mind being single, but do occasionally miss the physical intimacy of being with someone.

This is where I'm sort of at too. My twins are 2 and I can't imagine ever living with someone and bringing them around the children. So where does that leave me? I'm too tired to miss the physical intimacy side but I do miss the shared history and being able to laugh about silly things that Happened at work or reminiscing about what the kids did a year ago with someone who knows me.

It's the starting again from the beginning that maxes me anxious I think. I can see why a lot of people get to there with people they were friends with after a split as there is a dimming shared history and experience to build on

Hoppymclimpy · 14/04/2023 18:15

First things first, I think we are all different and what works for one doesn't work for another.
I was divorced about a year of so when I met my DP. DD was 10 at the time and knew nothing for the first 6 months. Gradually introduced the idea of my 'friend' etc. DD is now 12 and gets on well with DP. We (DP and I) don't live together and this is a joint decision as we both have children that we put first. Once they are all older (18+) then yep, we'll probably live together but not until then. We fit our relationship around our responsibilities- it does mean we have limited time together just the 2 of us but we make it work cos he's a good 'un!
I knew from the outset, before meeting DP that I didn't want to bring a man into my home whilst DD is/was still a child. That was my decision & its worked out really well. DP & DD get along really well but I made sure that she was comfortable at every step. If she'd not been then things wouldn't have progressed. Again, my decision x

dreammattemousse · 14/04/2023 19:09

Went on the apps after 2 months
But the relationship was dead and toxic for years and it was my decision to leave
I had the time of my life I won't even lie hahaha

It's been a year now and I'm still having the time of my life.. but deffo more open to a relationship now..

Zanatdy · 14/04/2023 19:21

12yrs and it’s been so stressful after the initial rush of excitement that I might wait another 12! The sex was amazing though, far far better than my ex, so I might not be able to wait another 12 now I’ve been having some great sex!

Original poster
OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 20:16

interesting comments. I’ve been single and celibate (!) for 6 years so definitely don’t want to go another 6 years! I feel too “young” to give up sex 😅 I don’t want casual though as I want someone I care about and to share things with just not living together

OP posts:
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