Opinion - picking up vibes or overthinking.

[Winemygoodenemy]

Been with DP for a year. Love him, amazing guy and I think he feels the same. I am moving to his for a few months soon while I find a house to buy - it’s slow. Just jumped on a cash buyer and no chain when selling my house. His idea to do sell and move to his for a bit. But in the last week had some odd vibes.

We do live a good 45 mins away from each other and work long hours. We only see each other few times a week, but been on holiday lots together. We are normally affectionate together in public and chat lots. Sort of hugging, holding hands but not over the top.

I don’t really know his family well due to distance but spent Easter weekend with his brothers family and dad in a small cottage in a remote location. It was odd, his family are not like my DP, they are very normal minded and no interest in understanding other points of view. For this reason I keep to polite neutral topics.

DP was quiet and not affectionate - only when we were alone - he is normally in front of friends. I get family is different, but will give me a hug etc around mine. At times DP agreed with his family views. They were teasing that me moving in would be permanent. DP was very quick to say no, she is looking and she can’t due to distance for work and friends. this was different to us saying let’s test living together and if it works, buy something half way between our towns.

I had to leave holiday earlier than the others to go back to work and DP is still there till end of week. He texted when I got home to ask if I had an ok time, which he has never asked before, especially as I said when I left thanks for a great time.

He has not texted much since apart and is very silent which is unusual as we do check in. I know he is on holiday, but surely a few texts in a day to check in. I do know they were planning on relaxing and drinking lots but He is always on his phone.

He did say when I left that he wishes he was coming home with me as his family are doing his head in. There just seems to be a change in pattern since I met his family properly. I think they think I am boring as I was really quiet as didn’t agree with their views.

I am normally secure in my relationship but this week I feel uneasy. Don’t know if it’s the reality of us moving in together as I have lived on my own for 10 years and used to my own discs. Or my spider senses are up?

How come you're asking us and not him? What stops you speaking to him about it? What do you think he would say?

@Watchkeys i did say about how he was quick to say it was for a bit. He said it was because he knows I am looking at houses and my commute from his would he horrible full time.

Not said anything about lack of contact as he is away.

I'm confused, are you moving in with him until you find a place and this has always been the plan between the two of you but really you're it's a dry run with a view to moving in together permanently? Or was it always supposed to be a dry run and he's gone back on what you've discussed and said something different to his family?

" I know he is on holiday, but surely a few texts in a day to check in."

Do you normally text back and forth every day? It wouldn't occur to me to check in a few times a day. What for?

@Dontbelieveaword it was helping me whilst I sell my flat to give time to buy. It then went into well we could buy together let’s see how we get on living together first and use this as a dry run.

@pictoosh yes we normally send a few how is it going texts during the days we don’t see each other. It’s out form of communication. Now he is on holiday I get nothing. It’s like out of mind forgotten about

OK, that wasn't very clear. Why don't you just leave him to enjoy his holiday and then arrange to see him when he gets home and discuss everything that's on your mind. I seriously wouldn't be texting or ringing to discuss anything while he's on holiday with his family, specially as you're already aware it's a boozy one. Youre not going to get a sensible and rational conversation out of him, are you?

What types of things were his family saying that he agreed with?

are you checking in on him? is he not replying?

@LongLostNailVarnish i have sent a texting asking how his day was. Just one word answer. Then sent him a picture of something he had been talking about. He read it and no reply.

that’s all. Can see he is active on Facebook.

Someone asked you earlier what it was about his family's opinions/views you disagreed with? I'm not sure I understand what 'normal minded' is - typo and you meant narrow minded?

Not knowing what these views are (racism, homophobia, extreme left or right wing), maybe they could sense your disapproval of them, even if you thought you had been quiet snd hidden your views? Or maybe it was the fact you were quieter than normal and your OH thought that that behaviour looked and felt like you weren't interested in getting to know him family. These are just guesses as to why he might be behaving differently towards you, not accusations.

The less affectionate bit is pretty much nothing to worry about. As you said, first time meeting them, in a small cottage - nobody wants to see a couple all over each other when they've only just met and it's family. Not appropriate at all.

But he's made it clear he's not interested in chatting or texting with you while he's away so please stop trying. It looks desperate. Leave it to him to contact you, if he does. And if he doesn't, you know exactly where you stand. Which is better off and free to meet someone who doesn't give you mixed messages and ignores you're apart

I had an ex that behaved like this, so I know how it feels. To me he is showing you how much you mean to him. You need to decide whether this is acceptable to you or not

Being less affectionate infront of family can often be more like a family issue than a 'you' issue. Did you find their views disagreeable? The not talking as much could be just that he's busy with them? Me and my dp check in a few times a day as well but when I was away at my mums it was difficult to actually have a conversation since there's always someone around or something happening. Same when he's away with his brother. That said....if we can't talk, we say so, and try to catch up another time...hard to say reallt? Id ask him

In all the decent relationships I've been in, I've checked in a few times a day when apart, just a couple of lines in a WhatsApp every few hours... sometimes not for many hours if we're busy, but at least 2 or 3 times each day. I've never felt that was over the top or oppressive, and given that it was them initiating as much as me, I don't think it was me pressurising. It just felt natural to do so.

@Winemygoodenemy

Not being affectionate in front of family is pretty normal I think. I never was/am in front of my parents - gives me the ick!

@Dontbelieveaword the views were conspiracies. Nothing racist, but not based on facts.

my DP also kept quiet as he doesn’t share the views of his family. We chatted about other stuff fine, it just avoided the conversations wasn’t too keen on and tried to change the subject.

He has gone quiet before when he was on holiday. Him and his brothers are big drinkers alone. Totally different patterns of communication when he is away