So sad ..2 weeks post break up.

Livelifelaughter · 2023-04-13T13:56:06+00:00

My ex bf was separated for years when I met him, his divorce is crippling on an emotional and financial level and he has said he cannot cope giving attention to our relationship. The ending was in a phone conversation and came tumbling out. That was two weeks ago. I am utterly broken - I have stayed with friends, hiked, read, worked exercised meditated but I just don't feel better. I find mornings terrible. Part of it seems to be the reason he has given, we had a lovely, romantic, intimate and connected relationship. I feel sick in my stomach, tired all the time. I just want to wait for him to sort his divorce out but he seems in such emotional turmoil. We have only spoken once since and he sounded terrible. Another thing that really saddens me is that he never told his adult children we were seeing each other, one aged 23 the other 21, he felt they knew already but the older one is emotionally highly strung and would get upset, but he has told the youngest that he was seeing me but we have now broken up because of the divorce. That really saddens me, it feels as though he told her as some sort of compensation. Sorry don't know what I am asking other than an opinion. I am 54, we were together 8 months but before anyone comments on the time, it feels worse than my divorce.

Fedupofdiets · 13/04/2023 16:02

Hi OP, sorry to hear you are going through this, did you post before? I am really sorry to say this but if he really wanted to be with you then he would. Yes it sounds like he is going through a lot but ultimately you could have been a good support for him instead he has pushed you away. My advice would be to go completely no contact now and let yourself heal, yes its brutal and yes it hurts like hell but he is not the man for you otherwise he would cast you aside like this, sounds like he was looking for an excuse tbh.

BCBird · 13/04/2023 17:31

I feel for you. A break.up his hard,but these circumstances are even more painful. If u had fallen out it probably would have been easier to handle. You are probably experiencing something similar to grief. Stay strong. I'm.a similar age to you. I was involved with someone for over two years who was separated and was going through divorce. Ultimately it did not work out because even though they had been married for 28 years and many of those were unhappy he found it difficult to break away from.his unhinged wife. If I decide to look again I will not consider anyone in this precarious situation again. Hand hold

ALittleBitConfused1 · 13/04/2023 17:44

I dont necessarily agree with pp I've been in something similar but the other way round. Not exactly the same sitiation but in a situation where I couldn't cope with anything other than the emotionally draining situation at hand. I dealt with it differently and called it off sooner, before it got serious but I 100 percent knew I didnt have the emotional capacity to deal with any kind of relationship while I was going through what I was going through. I struggled to maintain emotional relationships with family and friends let alone find the additional capacity that a relatively new relationship requires.
I think personally he should never have got involved with someone else, and no matter how separated someone is, this is the precise reason I dont think beginning something new until your divorced and had some time to sit with that new status is ever a good idea.
That being said it doesn't help you now. I'm sorry you're so hurt. Its a horrible feeling but I think you need to accept that this just isn't the right time or right man. Whether you agree with him ending it or not isn't the case. You have to find a way to accept he had done the right thing for him and ultimately that has to be his priority. I know it feels crap right now but you will come out the other side. This too, shall pass.
Keep on being kind to your self and keep on trying to keep busy. If you feel sad, when the hurt comes (I always found heartbreak came in waves) ride it out. Feel it, sit with it for a while, then dust it off and shift the mood.
2 weeks in it is going to be still so raw so dont panic or get frustrated you have to feel it to move forward.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/04/2023 19:25

Fedupofdiets · 13/04/2023 16:02

Hi OP, sorry to hear you are going through this, did you post before? I am really sorry to say this but if he really wanted to be with you then he would. Yes it sounds like he is going through a lot but ultimately you could have been a good support for him instead he has pushed you away. My advice would be to go completely no contact now and let yourself heal, yes its brutal and yes it hurts like hell but he is not the man for you otherwise he would cast you aside like this, sounds like he was looking for an excuse tbh.

I feel he is having something akin to an emotional break down. If I were in his shoes, the roles reversed I would lean on him for support but that's not his personality, he is someone who wants to protect not be protected. He was aghast when I said he had rejected me, as if his circumstances somehow mitigated his actions. I know he feels terrible and I have let that sit with him, not out of malice but because I don't want to sugar coat my emotional response.

OP posts:

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/04/2023 19:32

ALittleBitConfused1 · 13/04/2023 17:44

I dont necessarily agree with pp I've been in something similar but the other way round. Not exactly the same sitiation but in a situation where I couldn't cope with anything other than the emotionally draining situation at hand. I dealt with it differently and called it off sooner, before it got serious but I 100 percent knew I didnt have the emotional capacity to deal with any kind of relationship while I was going through what I was going through. I struggled to maintain emotional relationships with family and friends let alone find the additional capacity that a relatively new relationship requires.
I think personally he should never have got involved with someone else, and no matter how separated someone is, this is the precise reason I dont think beginning something new until your divorced and had some time to sit with that new status is ever a good idea.
That being said it doesn't help you now. I'm sorry you're so hurt. Its a horrible feeling but I think you need to accept that this just isn't the right time or right man. Whether you agree with him ending it or not isn't the case. You have to find a way to accept he had done the right thing for him and ultimately that has to be his priority. I know it feels crap right now but you will come out the other side. This too, shall pass.
Keep on being kind to your self and keep on trying to keep busy. If you feel sad, when the hurt comes (I always found heartbreak came in waves) ride it out. Feel it, sit with it for a while, then dust it off and shift the mood.
2 weeks in it is going to be still so raw so dont panic or get frustrated you have to feel it to move forward.

I very much appreciate your reply. I suffered the death of a parent 5 months ago but this feels worse, I am just being honest when I say that. I think you are right, he is making the best decision for him although I feel he is characterising it as the best decision for the relationship. I need to remember that. It is so hard when you love someone and I am not someone who finds love easily.

OP posts:

KillerSandy · 13/04/2023 19:33

@Livelifelaughter you have 19 posts about this man!

Did none of them help you with this situation?

KillerSandy · 13/04/2023 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/04/2023 19:38

BCBird · 13/04/2023 17:31

I feel for you. A break.up his hard,but these circumstances are even more painful. If u had fallen out it probably would have been easier to handle. You are probably experiencing something similar to grief. Stay strong. I'm.a similar age to you. I was involved with someone for over two years who was separated and was going through divorce. Ultimately it did not work out because even though they had been married for 28 years and many of those were unhappy he found it difficult to break away from.his unhinged wife. If I decide to look again I will not consider anyone in this precarious situation again. Hand hold

Thank you. I never thought I would have gone out with a separated man, but he was in a healthy place, he had dated one or two people before me and spoke to his wife and they went to things together for the children. Then it all seemed to fall apart. You are right though, honestly I would have preferred him to be unfaithful or that the relationship had just degenerated. In fact I seem to have been cancelling plans for things we were doing in the coming weeks.

OP posts:

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/04/2023 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thanks, could you kick me any harder ?

OP posts:

KillerSandy · 13/04/2023 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Provenza · 13/04/2023 19:40

I was in a similar situation to you once. What hurt the most was that my then partner phrased the break up as ‘I want the best for you as you deserve better’. It was an easier way out for him.
Ultimately, whatever your ex’s reason is, you need to acknowledge his decision and go through the grieving process. You’ll get through this. Keep going.

Fedupofdiets · 13/04/2023 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OP with kindness you have posted over and over and over even before you broke up about how anxious this relationship was making you, I responded on a few of your threads. You are only 8 months in, it should be the honeymoon period not you posting over and over analysing everything. Do you think he could have picked up on your anxieties and found it more hard work on top of his already messed up life? Either way it is not healthy for you and you really need to find a way through this and let him go.

Original poster

Livelifelaughter · 13/04/2023 20:45

Fedupofdiets · 13/04/2023 20:10

OP with kindness you have posted over and over and over even before you broke up about how anxious this relationship was making you, I responded on a few of your threads. You are only 8 months in, it should be the honeymoon period not you posting over and over analysing everything. Do you think he could have picked up on your anxieties and found it more hard work on top of his already messed up life? Either way it is not healthy for you and you really need to find a way through this and let him go.

Show quote history

The reason why I posted was to check my feelings to get another view as to whether I was being reasonable or over analysing; I post a lot about different things and using the forum shouldn't be a negative.
Maybe he picked up on my anxieties or over analysing as , it doesn't make my feelings less valid nor a burden. I am more than anxieties; I am funny, and caring, loving and empathetic not just a bundle of anxiety.

OP posts: