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Original poster

Help me deal with my sexist father!

43 replies

SquigglyGum · 13/04/2023 13:11

I need some advice please on how to respond to my dad. He's almost 80, very well in mind and body, and has always objectified women. He has always since I can remember made creepy sexualising comments about women he sees, and it makes me deeply uncomfortable. For example, he was telling me about driving by the beach the other day and how distracting it was that all the girls (women) were practically naked, in the g string bottoms etc. I'm not sure what he wants me to say to this? I sometimes come out with things like "I wonder what their personalities are like" just to humanise them a bit. He also says he loves taking my kids to the park because he gets to "chat up" the young mums. He really means he gets to talk TO them but the language he uses makes me feel gross. He openly enjoys the ego boost of speaking to good looking young women, and it just creeps me out.

I think I need some stock replies to this stuff, as in the moment I get so cross that he is such a misogynist I can't see straight. Any ideas?

Just to set the context, he definitely believes that the sexes are naturally unequal biologically, and that women's role really is to care for children and not be in the workplace so much. He uses language like "airhead" to describe accomplished, well educated women that he doesn't agree with.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
QueefQueen80s · 13/04/2023 16:51

I like the "You sound like a sex offender"

Puppers · 13/04/2023 17:27

Nailsandthesea · 13/04/2023 14:19

Dad I need to make you an appointment at the GP you really are just sounding like a dirty pervert and it’s sickening

Bloody hell Dad you chances of getting inside anyone’s knickers is just zero, my vagina clamps shut every time I hear you

Dad you are not senile but you are sounding more and more like a sex offender each day

Dad why do you objectify woman so much do you have sps?
What’s sps? Small penis syndrome

dad if you make any comment like this again in my hearing - I’m reporting it to the police / 50 years I’ve heard your leering, sexist, objectionable comments and today it stops. No
one fancies you, no one likes you and you just sound like an ancient sex offender and everyone gives you a wide birth / you make me want to vomit. From this day forth and I will say it slowly from you - such . The . Fuck . Up. And. Start. Treating. The. Women. Around. You. Better.

I would have lost my shit long ago - just lose your shit totally

you have every right to

This suggestion is even more fucked up than OP's dad.

You want a daughter to tell her father that his behaviour causes her "vagina to clamp shut"? As opposed to what? Why would her vagina experience any reaction to her own actual dad?? And then to top it off you want her to also talk about his penis?

Fucking hell 🤢

FictionalCharacter · 13/04/2023 18:01

Mine was a bit like this, always making “appreciative” comments about women’s boobs and that kind of thing. He had a foul temper and if I’d asked him to stop (my mum did many times) he would just have got angry or scoffed.

Your dad won’t stop I’m afraid. This is who he is. But there’s no way I’d let him take your kids out unsupervised. I feel sorry for the young mums in the park, who probably think he’s a complete creep. I remember cringing when my dad tried to be flirty with young women. They used to look so embarrassed and sometimes disgusted, but he never seemed to notice.

The only thing you can do is see him less, and try not to see him in places where he has the opportunity to leer at women.

Puppers · 13/04/2023 19:37

They used to look so embarrassed and sometimes disgusted, but he never seemed to notice.

He will absolutely have noticed and it will have been a large part of the thrill for him.

I'm sorry you had one like this too. What is wrong with some men.

Burgoo · 13/04/2023 19:45

Keep going back to the same thing over and over again.

Describe what you dislike about what he is doing. DON'T using judging or blaming words, it will cause him to shut down and not hear you.
Express how you feel when it does it - use emotional language - he needs to "know" what the feeling is. Gross isn't enough.
Assert what you want him to do (or not do) in the future - be really specific. No vagueness.
Reinforce it by giving him a reason to stop doing it. Just saying "cos I don't like it" probably isn't enough. Why should he care? Make him WANT to stop it.

You will likely find he will divert the conversation etc. Bring the topic back. Acknowledge if he has a come-back and go back to the topic (e.g. "I see that you think I am being sensitive, and at the same time I still would like you not to do X anymore").

If he continues then put in a consequence. But warn him in advance. For example, "if you continue doing that, when you say it again I will leave immediately" and then FOLLOW THROUGH. Make it aversive for him to keep doing this.

This is a research based approach to ANY conflict where you want to get what you want.

I suspect he won't change though. You could ask him how he would feel if some 90 year old, balding fat bloke was ogling him when he was going about his daily life.

LadyJ2023 · 13/04/2023 19:47

Comments like that for my kids to hear ...sorry grandad you wouldn't be seeing mine unless at our house only with us but defo not out in public with my kids with comments like that

Burgoo · 13/04/2023 19:48

@Nailsandthesea "Bloody hell Dad you chances of getting inside anyone’s knickers is just zero, my vagina clamps shut every time I hear you"

Erm, no. Why would her vagina be loose and free around her father if he wasn't saying this stuff! The message is "if you stop doing that then you might get my vagina to open up around you". Its so WEIRD.

Carerer · 13/04/2023 20:02

@Puppers

This suggestion is even more fucked up than OP's dad.

You want a daughter to tell her father that his behaviour causes her "vagina to clamp shut"? As opposed to what? Why would her vagina experience any reaction to her own actual dad?? And then to top it off you want her to also talk about his penis?

Fucking hell 🤢

I couldn't agree more. It makes me feel sick. What kind of person would suggest a daughter saying that to her father. It's deeply deeply vile and far far worse on the inappropriate scale than the father himself.

Original poster
SquigglyGum · 14/04/2023 00:10

Thanks for all your replies

The crazy thing is he's still with my mum, and she laughs about it, encouraging him. Actually it's worse, she joins in and I'm not sure if she thinks she's being all modern and cool about it but often tells me about how "your father was flirting with some young thing" which i just find so strange.

After getting my nails painted red one time she said "ooh very whoreish" in a strange accent as if it was funny? So weird.

In answer to previous posts, yes I have felt uncomfortable about this stuff since I was young. Any conversation with a man (usually a friend of theirs) would be construed as me flirting, and my outfits have always been up for discussion - but in a jokey way so it's just me being sensitive if I took offence.

The whole thing is pretty messed up really

OP posts:
Restinggoddess · 14/04/2023 00:48

When you mother enables this behaviour and refers to red nails as ‘whoreish’
Call it out - ‘what is the reason you think that is an acceptable comment to your own daughter?’
They won’t change as seem to both get a kick out of it - doesn’t mean you have to accept it
Plenty of good advice here - limit your children’s access to them before being a whore becomes an acceptable comment to describe anything
Best of luck

ManchNic · 14/04/2023 01:04

Yes, absolutely agree.

ManchNic · 14/04/2023 01:07

JMSA · 13/04/2023 14:36

The best, most realistic reply on here as yet.

Show quote history

Meant to quote and agree completely with this ☝🏻

QueefQueen80s · 14/04/2023 13:39

SquigglyGum · 14/04/2023 00:10

Thanks for all your replies

The crazy thing is he's still with my mum, and she laughs about it, encouraging him. Actually it's worse, she joins in and I'm not sure if she thinks she's being all modern and cool about it but often tells me about how "your father was flirting with some young thing" which i just find so strange.

After getting my nails painted red one time she said "ooh very whoreish" in a strange accent as if it was funny? So weird.

In answer to previous posts, yes I have felt uncomfortable about this stuff since I was young. Any conversation with a man (usually a friend of theirs) would be construed as me flirting, and my outfits have always been up for discussion - but in a jokey way so it's just me being sensitive if I took offence.

The whole thing is pretty messed up really

My god your parents are fucked up.

SarahC50 · 14/04/2023 21:12

I hear you,mine is 84 and similar,he has three adult daughters and refers to women as "birds" especially women on the TV. He especially likes referring to them as "fat birds" my stupid narc mother laughs along,just hilarious. He is also a lifelong racist and sexist pig. You can't pick your family but I loathe the man and spend as little time as possible as I can get away with in his vile company.

SarahC50 · 14/04/2023 21:14

I very much limit any time the kids now teenagers have with them. If I challenge any of his sexist, racist behaviour I am shot down as difficult and oversensitive and we are all entitled to our own opinion. I give up and try to grey rock now but it kills me x

OhcantthInkofaname · 14/04/2023 21:30

Ask him if he really believes they think he is anything but annoying?

Original poster
SquigglyGum · 16/04/2023 09:42

SarahC50 · 14/04/2023 21:12

I hear you,mine is 84 and similar,he has three adult daughters and refers to women as "birds" especially women on the TV. He especially likes referring to them as "fat birds" my stupid narc mother laughs along,just hilarious. He is also a lifelong racist and sexist pig. You can't pick your family but I loathe the man and spend as little time as possible as I can get away with in his vile company.

This is so similar to my experience with the anti fat nonsense and definitely casual racism..

OP posts:
SarahC50 · 16/04/2023 20:54

It's awful isn't it and seems all the worse because he has three daughters. Ridiculous that our vacuous mother's encourage this abhorrent behaviour. I hate it and so hate any interaction with them x poor us x

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