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Original poster

New friend - freeloader?

25 replies

Mrstwiddle · 13/04/2023 06:34

I made friends (about 6 months ago) with a woman my age. We haven't spent a huge amount of time together but have been on a few outings without any issues.

I invited her to stay at my house for the Easter weekend. She came (a day later than expected) and during the weekend we ate out a lot, I drove her around to various places and generally it was a really good weekend. BUT, she barely paid for anything. I'd invited her and our house is not set up for cooking (renovations) so it was easiest to eat out, and she did pay for some coffees and gave me $20 for petrol but that was it. I kind of thought, well I'm hosting so I guess it's my responsibility but had that been me, I would have insisted on going halves.

Then, to cap it all off, she left to go home and broke down on the highway (not in UK) I went to pick her up as she couldn't remember if she had breakdown coverage. Got her back and she remembered that she had coverage but it was the type you pay for upfront and then claim back later.

She arranged a tow truck to go out, but then told me she didn't have a credit card and her bank wasn't in town (we live very rurally) so I offered to get the money from my bank and she could e-transfer it to me afterwards. I did that, she got the car towed to my house on the proviso that she would take out another roadside coverage policy, wait the two days for it to kick in and then arrange for the car to be towed to a garage near to where she lives.

On Tuesday morning, I dropped her off at her house- I work not far from where she lives (80 miles away) and expected to hear from her in the next day or so. I didn't so messaged her tonight asking what was happening with the car and giving her my email address so she could transfer the money. She said she thought she could leave the car at my house as long as she wanted and didn't mention the money at all.

I think I am not being unreasonable in expecting the car to be removed asap - it's sitting in our driveway and in expecting her to have contacted me to pay the $260 she owes me. I honestly feel like a complete and utter mug, her car is pretty much a write off I think so she may not be in a rush to get it back but that shouldn't be my problem!

But she was so nice and friendly - I'm just really gutted as I don't make friends easily and I thought she would be a good one, but maybe I'm being too hasty in judging?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 13/04/2023 06:35

Sorry for the essay

OP posts:
GoldenGorilla · 13/04/2023 06:53

Yeah….none of that sounds good tbh.

I’d maybe message saying the car needs to be gone by x date at the latest (maybe in a week) as you have visitors coming then who’ll need the parking space.

Also just remind her of your bank details and say you need that money (say the exact amount) back asap so you can cover your bills.

So be really clear about what you expect from her, but still in a polite and friendly way. Hopefully she pays up! Some people don’t do what they should until they’re pressured.

I’m not sure about the eating out cost, we do often have guests and then can’t be bothered to cook so we’d expect to pay for a meal out or takeaway since we’re hosting.

Magnoliasky · 13/04/2023 06:55

hopefully she’s just a bit slow sorting things out. Can you remind her on Friday to pay and collect car. I wonder if she needs to wait till payday? On reaching mid May I’d look into the small claims court to get the cash back.

if she does pay but seems generally tight or bad with money, aim to meet half way for the day and go halves on everything.

barmycatmum · 13/04/2023 06:59

It could be that she’s hard up for funds and too embarrassed to say? Just remembering a time when I was unable to come through quickly with funds.

but yeah, it sounds a bit much. :( if I were that financially strapped, I would not go stay with someone.

hope you hear from her

Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 13/04/2023 07:42

Thanks for the responses. I do definitely need it sorted by next Tuesday as I'm leaving the country for 5 months and my partner will not be happy if it's still there when I go! I will send her a reminder on Friday as suggested, I think that's adequate time for her to have things figured out. She doesn't seem short of cash at all but I guess it's hard to know.

In her texts she's laying so much guilt on me about having to have the car removed, saying she thought she had plenty of time and complaining that she's upset and stressed, it's ridiculous so I've stopped responding. I'm not used to confrontation at all, I tend to pick friends very carefully to avoid that!

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 13/04/2023 07:44

I think she is short of money and too embarrassed to say so.
She may have been taken by surprise when all the weekend meals were eaten out, she paid for some coffees etc, and you offered yo pay for the rest, it could just be beyond her budget.
The car breakdown seems odd, how could someone not remember if they have breakdown cover?
If the car is at yours, and a write off, is it possible that she is focusing on getting a replacement? might be vital if she lives rurally and needs her car to get to work, it would be higher on her priority list than getting the car off your drive and repaying you.
If you like her and want to stay friends, it's best to encourage her to be open with you.
But sadly borrowing or lending money can cause issues in friendships for these exact reasons - if she can't pay you back, either immediately or at all, she will be feeling embarrassed, beholden, maybe envious of your position, all sorts of emotions that might make her want to avoid you. And you are probably feeling let down, and certainly out of pocket. Is it an amount you can afford to lose?

Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 13/04/2023 07:46

GoldenGorilla · 13/04/2023 06:53

Yeah….none of that sounds good tbh.

I’d maybe message saying the car needs to be gone by x date at the latest (maybe in a week) as you have visitors coming then who’ll need the parking space.

Also just remind her of your bank details and say you need that money (say the exact amount) back asap so you can cover your bills.

So be really clear about what you expect from her, but still in a polite and friendly way. Hopefully she pays up! Some people don’t do what they should until they’re pressured.

I’m not sure about the eating out cost, we do often have guests and then can’t be bothered to cook so we’d expect to pay for a meal out or takeaway since we’re hosting.

"I’m not sure about the eating out cost, we do often have guests and then can’t be bothered to cook so we’d expect to pay for a meal out or takeaway since we’re hosting."

Agree with this, I think it was the fact that it was over two days and so in total 4 meals that I paid for, a couple of meals, sure!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 13/04/2023 07:50

@DelphiniumBlue Some good points, you're right that it wasn't ideal that all meals were eaten out and probably unexpected by her.

I can afford to lose it, I'm more upset about losing somebody who could potentially have been a good friend, but I don't feel she's particularly trustworthy now and definitely too emotionally volatile.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 13/04/2023 07:53

@DelphiniumBlue and yes, I think you're right that her priority is getting a replacement car sorted which is understandable, but still surprised that she thought it would be okay to leave her current one sitting in someone's driveway for an indeterminate period of time!

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 13/04/2023 08:03

She sounds completely awful, OP. I'm afraid you may be left with the cost of disposing of the car.

RuddyLaura · 13/04/2023 08:15

I guess only time will tell, but if @DelphiniumBlue is correct, she will likely be hugely embarrassed and stressed. Has she been apologetic and appreciative at all? I think this would make the difference to me. It's an awful situation and strain on a new friendship, but I agree, getting her to open up about it in a non-judgemental way might be the best approach.

At least if the car is scrapped- this might cover your outlay? They pay a scrap value here in the UK, not sure if the same where you are.

Ancientwater · 13/04/2023 08:20

Maybe I’m more cautious but would not have invited someone to stay in my home after such a short friendship.

You say you do not make friends easily, do not let this cloud your judgement when you meet a potential friend. Loneliness makes people vulnerable.

dottiedodah · 13/04/2023 08:37

You sound very kind and generous .I think this lady may be taking advantage of that! If you are going away ,I would text and say you cannot leave the car where it is and she needs to arrange for collection.In future ,take time to get to know someone ,before asking them over .You know nothing about them ,and lets face it people could be anyone on line!

2bazookas · 13/04/2023 08:49

Just contact her and say " Your car is in the way of plans next week so must be gone by Sunday. May I remind you you aslo owe me X"

2bazookas · 13/04/2023 08:50

If the worst come to worst I'd push the car out onto the high way then report it to police as broken down .

dramalessllama · 13/04/2023 13:33

It would be such a shame if when you leave next Tuesday her car is still there and it gets blocked in.

Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 13/04/2023 18:48

Thank you for the replies - @dottiedodah and @Ancientwater I agree - I definitely should not have invited her, I thought I knew her fairly well but as it turns out, not at all!

@dramalessllama - right?! but I'm starting to wonder if she'd care, she's on a different wavelength for sure.

@2bazookas - It's a long way to the highway! Otherwise, good plan

Update:

Positive: She sent a transfer for the money. Yay!

Negative: She's crazy. She was messaging me last night telling me I was a bad friend and she was getting a negative energy from me and I was sending her "bad intentions" (for the record, she's indigenous, something I hadn't realized before the weekend, but I think this is where all this kind of talk comes from) For the record, I was nothing but polite and friendly in my messages.

I will give her a week to move it and then just get my partner to have it towed somewhere so its off our property.

OP posts:
OldFan · 13/04/2023 19:05

she was getting a negative energy from me and I was sending her "bad intentions" (for the record, she's indigenous, something I hadn't realized before the weekend, but I think this is where all this kind of talk comes from)

@Mrstwiddle There's a lot of New Age fluff in Western society as a whole so it could just as easily, if not more easily, be that.

Glad you got your money back, sorry this happened to you. Sad Best to steer clear of this person in future.

Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 13/04/2023 19:49

@OldFan Agreed, once the cars gone, I'm cutting communication off.

OP posts:
Cimone · 13/04/2023 20:45

Send her a text so you have it in writing that if the car is not removed by the day before your trip, you will have it towed to a lot and she can pick it up there. Call the police to make sure they don't need to get involved, maybe give a ticket or something before it's towed so you are protected legally. Explain in the text that you need your driveway and your partner should not be inconvenienced because YOU did HER a favor. Once it's towed, provide the tow company with her name and contact info, and her with theirs. Then let it be.

RuddyLaura · 14/04/2023 00:12

Kind of far from apologetic and appreciative then OP! Glad you got your money back at least. Hope the car is gone soon and you can move on.

SparklingLime · 14/04/2023 08:58

for the record, she's indigenous, something I hadn't realized before the weekend, but I think this is where all this kind of talk comes from

That sounds racist, OP.

Original poster
Mrstwiddle · 20/04/2023 17:17

@SparklingLime 😂

Update: after receiving numerous messages informing me I was a bad friend, I walked out of the house on Saturday to find her sitting in her car trying to get it started. It was all very awkward, and it ended up with me helping her push the car onto the road (it's now sitting outside the house next door which is empty) For some reason she still hadn't sorted out the towing to her city (she does have coverage now so it's not a cost issue). She did apologise but unfortunately on my part the trust is gone.

OP posts:
SufferingCarlos · 20/04/2023 19:16

Sounds like she's poor or in debt and that there is a cultural clash in the expectations of friendship.
For example, in my native culture I wouldn't expect my guests to pay halves for meals when I've invited them the full cost is on me but when I visit them I also expect them to pay for everything however after my many years in the UK, I know to offer to pay fully or go halves because this is what UK culture is like. It would annoy me the car left in my drive thing, but in my culture and other cultures when someone says they will do X in 2 days it could be two weeks and it's rude to chase them up on it. People do things and understand time in different ways so yeah, this one is not a good match for you!

RuddyLaura · 20/04/2023 23:10

SufferingCarlos · 20/04/2023 19:16

Sounds like she's poor or in debt and that there is a cultural clash in the expectations of friendship.
For example, in my native culture I wouldn't expect my guests to pay halves for meals when I've invited them the full cost is on me but when I visit them I also expect them to pay for everything however after my many years in the UK, I know to offer to pay fully or go halves because this is what UK culture is like. It would annoy me the car left in my drive thing, but in my culture and other cultures when someone says they will do X in 2 days it could be two weeks and it's rude to chase them up on it. People do things and understand time in different ways so yeah, this one is not a good match for you!

Good post!

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