Butterflies, and occasional strange feelings towards other women

[goodf]

Hi I am not sure if this is the right place to post, if so apologies, but I wonder if someone can help me please? I am a complete tangled mess of feelings right now. I'm feeling quite anxious and working hard not to let these feelings show outwardly to DH for reasons that shall become apparent.

Mine and DH's physical relationship isn't too great right now, and recently my own libido has dropped off spectacularly for unclear reasons that I don't understand. I should say upfront none of this is particularly DH's fault. He's overall a decent husband and in a platonic friendship way i still love him dearly.

What i am finding really difficult right now, is that recently I have started noticing other women when I am out and about. I need to clarify - when i say noticing i mean in a sexual way - at least what i think and assume are feelings of sexual attraction. This is all very unexpected new to me and I am feeling really quite strange right now. Occasionally when I see another attractive woman - say in the workplace or supermarket. I am finding my head is getting turned. I am getting butterflies, tingly feelings inside as I walk past. I blush, and avoid making eye contact and look away stare at the floor. I feel like a teenager, it's so ridiculous. It's really starting stress me out now. I don't want these invasive thoughts anymore. Thankfully I don't think anyone has noticed yet. It's bad enough this happening in the aisles at Tesco, but what's worse its happened at work once or twice now with younger female colleagues! I am having to consciously check myself all the time, avoid my gaze lingering and be so so careful that no-one else notices. I feel like a lecherous old perv, and it's rapidly becoming a total nightmare.

I should note at this point that I have always had issues with our physical relationship with DH. He is a considerate lover, but I have a tendency to get in my head too much. I worry. I worry about my appearance, I worry he isn't enjoying it and have always struggled to really relax and enjoy the physical side of our relationship. Sex is pleasant but usually nothing earth shattering, and I can rarely relate to my friends comments when they hint at their own active and very enjoyable sex lives.

When I was growing up, at school i would occasionally get crushes on older girls but I had assumed now that thirty years on that was very much a thing of the past. With how I am feeling right now though it's really difficult to avoid the conclusion that I have at the very least some latent and non-zero bisexual attraction. So far I have done some reading online that has hinted about romanic and sexual attraction being different, but I havent got much further than that.

I know I have rambled a bit here and I need to come to an overall point. So I guess my question is this: what is all this likely to mean for my relationship with DH? Do we still have a future together? Whilst I am gradually being honest with myself over time and slowly coming to terms with having these new feelings I am worried i won't be able to keep them hidden from DH forever. What worries me is what then - what will he say if he finds out?

Well.... it sounds like you might have been suppressing some latent bi - or even fully gay - feelings for years to be honest. If you are feeling a sexual attraction to women, I would ask you if perhaps you always have to a degree, but it's become more apparent recently as your marriage drifts further and further into the 'friend zone'?

I don't know if you would consider discussing your feelings with your DH - would that be something that might help? Or exploring in therapy?

Otherwise you have three options.

Squash and silence - it might pass but it probably won't
Explore a sexual relationship with a woman. (I am not suggesting affair, but full disclosure to your H who deserves all the facts if this is what you decide to do).

@SlightlyJaded thanks for that thoughtful reply. Plenty for me to think about there.

If I am honest with myself there probably is an element of me suppressing feelings at times while I've been with DH. I've usually been the one to take a more passive role in our relationship - not just in the physical side, but in many aspects. My relationship with DH hasn't always felt right for me at times but he is a good kind man so in the past I just ignored those doubts, knuckled down and got on with it.

Although i am not used to such intense feelings I am wondering now if I actually do have much higher libido and sex drive than I previously thought. It's possible this has just been misdirected in the past!

It's getting increasingly difficult to ignore and I know I am neglecting DH at the moment. At the same time when I engage in solo sexual activity women are currently all I think about, and I just don't get aroused thinking of DH anymore. If it continues like this I honestly do think I will need to consider some kind of sexual relationship with a woman in the future, just to maintain my own sanity.

It's obviously going to be a difficult topic to broach with DH though. We need to chat about it, but he is quite traditionally minded and I don't think he would agree to me engaging with a new female sexual partner.

It sounds like you tried to do the ''right'', conventional thing by getting married with a nice guy.

But have realised that he simply does not appeal to you physically although you might have a decent friendship.

I really don't think it is fair to make yourself have sex with him jut out of obligation/to maintain the status quo if you don't enjoy it.

Nor is it fair on him to be in a marriage who simply does not fancy him/love him beyond basic friendship.

I would have an honest chat with your partner.

To me it sounds like your relationship has ran its course and your mind and body are telling you that it is time to find the real you. You can't stay with someone out of guilt because sooner or later things will come out or you will spend the rest of your life regretting not being honest with yourself.

There's also the fact that lesbians might not be open to being your experimental fling? It sounds as if you are starting to come out after suppressing these feelings until now. I would say that you owe it to yourself and your partner to be honest about what you are feeling and discuss where you go from here. I came out in my late thirties. I too was married. We split up but at that point I was in a sexual relationship with my first female partner (my husband knew I was going out on the scene, he knew everything as it unfolded, so no deception). It was acrimonious for a while understandably but we did recover a wonderful friendship in time. I was very happy to come out and realise that I was a lesbian- those feelings had to emerge and be expressed eventually in order for me to be at peace.

Sorry @Joystir59 I didn't mean to cause any offence by implying I was looking for a commitment free relationship.

Can I ask: how did you and your partner meet? I have been with DH for 20+ years now and prior to that have very limited experience of dating - hetero or otherwise. Although I am considering it seems incredibly daunting leap since I'd be swapping the stability of my marriage for a big unknown.

So I am looking for reassurance - that similarly inclined women are really out there and that they won't view me (39) as frumpy and past it.

@Greenfairydust I've been putting off thinking about this, but I am gradually coming to the same conclusion myself.

It makes a huge difference to hear someone else independently suggest the same thing though so thanks 🙂

I have just been through a very similar situation. I did talk to my husband about exploring my gay side and that did lead to a lot of realisations. I am now in a relationship with a friend and no longer with my husband, though we are still friends. For me I simply couldn’t switch off the gay feelings and it became a need I had to explore. I am pretty sure I will be marrying this girl and honestly I have never felt happier. For me this has been the best realisation ever and everyone has noticed how much happier I am in myself and more settled generally.

@Latelifelesbian that sounds remarkably similar to my own current situation. Can I PM you a question?

Yes go for it!

I was in a similar position to you @goodf for me it came to a head during lockdown as I realised, while my partner is a good man and we get along pretty well, we just don't connect on a deeper level and the same sex attraction I'd felt in my 20s (and thought I'd squashed) came back with a vengeance!

I found company and support in an online community of women in similar positions. Some were trying to suppress their feelings, some were having very difficult conversations with their partners about how they might move forwards together and some have now separated/ divorced and are now exploring or in relationships with women.

@TasteOfHerCherryChapstick thank you for relaying your experiences! Hopefuly you are out of the other side of your relationship difficulties now and back once again to enjoying your life :)

If you feel comfortable, would you mind sharing the name of that support group with me in a PM? Im in a tough place right now and I think I might find it beneficial.

xx

I'm not seeing much about the husband here. As someone who's been on the receiving side of a wife of 10 years suddenly telling me she's gay and leaving it's crushing and 5 years later it still effects me. We have 2 young children so have to cross paths. I hate her for what she's done to me but more importantly HOW she did it. I'm not sure I'll ever recover

I’ve had difficult conversations with my DH about my sexuality. My situation was maybe somewhat different in that I didn’t/don’t want to leave him and the physical side of our relationship was and still is very important to both of us.

We’ve found our own way through it. It wasn’t easy, but he doesn’t hate me. If anything I’d say our relationship is stronger because I was honest with him about how I feel.

There’s an odd idea on MN that your sexuality is magically carved into stone on your 18th birthday. And that if you develop/change/subsequently realise something you’ve been dishonest. It’s nonsense- people change.

What does it mean for you and your DH? Who knows? But if you want to stay with him, you have to let him
have a chance to understand you as a first step. Talk to him.

Great post @CoastalShelf - I've been through similar with my DP. It's definitely doable and possibly more common than we realise. I haven't spoken to anyone "in real life" - nor has my DP - about the way that our relationship works but, I have been lucky enough to meet women who have a similar experience.

Thanks @CoastalShelf and @Maybebe. It's good to know that some people are able to navigate a less traumatic and life upending middle way through all of this.

Definitely something for me to think about.

@YeahWellWhoKnew can I ask you about how you wish your ex had told you?

This isn’t a goady question- far from it. I’m well aware that the conversations I’ve had with my H have been painful for him (and I) at times, and I’ve often wondered how I could have lessened that. It would interesting to hear your perspective but if it’s too painful, ignore my question.

Did you find/have you found other men sexually attractive?

Before your DH for example?

@wheresmymojo Good question! I do occasionally find other guys attractive yes. But i've not acted on it. Its also a kind of abstract attractiveness.

If it ever comes to doing the deed (sorry) not sure how it would go. Part of the problem is i met DH young and im just not that experienced with guys so i dont have much basis for comparison.

@goodf Following with interest...

Another 40+ here, I was seduced by an older lady and liked it.
Left me with feelings but not for her. Now what?

Late blooming lesbians are very common, nobody would consider a 39yo "past it", so that's a non issue.

As I see it, the issues are in this order - 1st, sort out how you feel about your husband. If you can't sustain an honest, faithful marriage with him, you need to end it. 2nd, sort out your sexuality. Whilst right now these two things feel conflated in your mind, it would help you to separate them as much as possible.

I married a man young, came from a religious background, and suppressed my sexuality for decades. I left my ex and father of my children, got the headspace I needed, came out, and haven't looked back.