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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sleeping in separate rooms - how does it work for you?

13 replies

Echobelly · 12/04/2023 21:32

DH's snoring is getting worse and worse, since last summer we've spent most nights with one of us in the spare room. Occasionally there's a week when we manage all night in the same room, sometimes we go a month where we can't. I know quite a few people here talk about sleeping in a different room to their partner, but I'm interested in how people manage the dynamic - do you (as we do, most nights) start off in the same bed reading together, and then one goes elsewhere? Or do you just kiss goodnight and head off to your rooms? Do you get in bed together in the mornings or not? We try to do that, but we do tend to wake at different times on the weekend.

It's a bit frustrating for holidays as we now always have to find somewhere with a spare bed for me - although miraculously our last summer holiday was OK even though we'd had to sleep seperately the entire month before. And things like staying over after friend's parties out of town we're just having to consider booking 2 Travelodge rooms.

NB, I can't wear earplugs - they helped occasionally, but too often they were sore in my ears and/or didn't block out the loudest snoring and now I have developed a total allergy to having anything in my ears so can't use them at all!

OP posts:
whatsyourpoison12 · 12/04/2023 21:35

you need to address the snoring imo. is he overweight?

Gigglemous · 12/04/2023 21:41

Snoring is usually a sign of a medical issue. I think you should get it looked into.

summerlovingvibes · 12/04/2023 21:43

I feel for you OP. We've struggled for years and the snoring just continues to get worse. We not only end up in separate rooms most nights, but on separate floors because it's so loud. It's ruining our relationship as I massively miss sleeping with him and having cuddles and snuggles. We never manage to get into bed together in the morning (small kids) but when we did sleep in the same bed we'd at least get 30 seconds awake time for a little kiss and cuddle.

I crave being back in the same bed.

ensayers · 12/04/2023 21:51

I got a CPAP machine to help with sleep apnoea, but as a side effect of wearing it, my snoring (apparently) has gone from "like a lorry braking" to silent.
Wearing CPAP is not a sexy look, but I'm happy to take a hit to my vanity in return for a good night's sleep!

TakeMyStrongHand · 12/04/2023 21:52

I'm the snorer in this scenario and suddenly started when I was pregnant and fat many years ago now. I lost weight and gained it back and still snore. Ironically, the light sleep from being nervous to snore makes it worse. I use snore as a coverall for the fantastic array of sounds I make.

At first, he would leave in the night and sometimes I would wake later and realise he had gone and got terribly upset. Then he started the night there and I got more upset. Now, my room is decorated how I want/an actual sanctuary, my bed is the cosiest ever, I sleep to relaxing music and I can lie how I want. I don't like to sleep in the same bed anymore because it's just so fabulous alone. He left the bedroom because if he didn't he would have to leave the relationship. He wanted to strangle me as I slept and that anger is not good for a relationship. Sleep is super important for a happy life and if that means sleeping separately so be it. We can always pop in if we want anything.

We've now done this for 11 years. It took about three to get used to it. Maybe more.

Changedmynameforthis55 · 12/04/2023 21:53

Are you me? We go through phases. We'll get in a good patch, then I'll start using ear plugs but also get very sore ears. I use happy ears as they stay in well enough for me to fall asleep and then fall out in the night so i don't get sore (only use one on ear facing up), and then ill get sick of it and we just go straight to separate beds. This is in a cycle.

I got my husband an anti snoring pillow which does reduce it also.

ghettihead · 12/04/2023 21:59

Struggling with this at the moment, but we don't have a spare room. We take it in turns sleeping on sofa cushions on the lounge floor, which just feels awful. The kids jumping on you first thing in the morning when they get up is horrid too.

Smartiepants79 · 12/04/2023 22:00

We do a combination of all those things.
I find sharing a bed really, really hard now.
My sleep is a massive priority.
The holiday thing is the hardest bit as I do need to know there is a separate sleeping space ( sometimes shared with the children) or I get very stressed and anxious.

Smartiepants79 · 12/04/2023 22:03

ghettihead · 12/04/2023 21:59

Struggling with this at the moment, but we don't have a spare room. We take it in turns sleeping on sofa cushions on the lounge floor, which just feels awful. The kids jumping on you first thing in the morning when they get up is horrid too.

Could you at least afford a sofa bed? In my experience there is no quick fix for the snoring. Find a way for you both to get better sleep or it erodes your ability to function in your relationship.

Echobelly · 12/04/2023 22:12

@whatsyourpoison12 - yeah, he needs to lose weight, dunno how much, I'm no judge of this kind of thing. He's started exercising again lately, but I'm not sure it's enough - weight loss will be tricky as a) he has ADHD and difficulty sticking with dieting and regimes of things, and b) he easily injures his back and knees when he exercises; they put paid to him running. In some ways it should be the ideal time as he has been at home for the last 6 months working on his own software product he's going to try to sell to businesses this year (he saved up loads from consulting so he can do this), but then at the same time it means he doesn't have much routine.

I don't especially mind sleeping separately, mainly I miss waking up together a bit. He could fall asleep with me in his arms, but I never could sleep that way. And the holidays thing is a pain... at least this summer one of the kids' rooms has a spare bed.

OP posts:
whatsyourpoison12 · 12/04/2023 22:17

adhd isn't an excuse to not lose weight I keep seeing this people use add as an excuse for bloody murder at this point
weight is the biggest cause of snoring. if not maybe its sleep apnea? or get him hypnotised

Lottapianos · 12/04/2023 22:17

We've been sleeping separately for a few years now and it's brilliant! We get into bed together and read / cuddle, then he goes off to the spare room, which has a lovely comfy double bed. We both get a great night's sleep this way. He snores like hell and I get hot in the night so sleeping together all night is no fun, although we manage to share a bed when we're on holiday

Sleep is an absolute priority for me, and separate beds is a great solution

Echobelly · 12/04/2023 22:33

Yeah, I just consider it very lucky we have a spare room and that the bed is comfy.

I haven't pushed the weight loss thing too much, he wants to lose it, he complains a lot about it but he has difficulty keeping things up. When he started running again I felt he snored less, but then his knee went again, so he couldn't keep that up.

We do try to sleep together most nights, but one problem as well is that he falls asleep straight away and starts snoring the minute he turns in, and it takes me a lot longer. If he is in bed on his phone for a long time while I'm dropping off that's sometimes OK, as I am fast asleep before he snores too much, although sometimes it does wake me later if it gets bad.

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