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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Learning that being ghosted is always on them

18 replies

afoolsgame · 12/04/2023 21:29

But it's hard isn't it!!!
Getting on well... or so you think .
Next thing... boom 💥... they've disappeared .
We know it's on them logically , so why does it feel so bad ??

OP posts:

Drusillagobwitch · 12/04/2023 21:59

Could we have some more context, please?

Do you men by friends or by people you have been dating?

OhMyCherriePie · 12/04/2023 22:06

I’m odd as I don’t think ghosting is always wrong

Original poster

afoolsgame · 13/04/2023 06:10

By men that you chat to online.
Getting to know each other then he's gone. Disappears . Better offer I guess

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 13/04/2023 06:23

This has happened with someone you've never met, and it's really hurting you? Why is that? What was the connection doing for you that you need so much?

barmycatmum · 13/04/2023 06:27

A therapist once told me that sometimes for women, intimacy can begin at the keyboard, in chat. If we feel we’re sharing things - it becomes intimacy for us.

she was teaching me that not everyone deserves that, and they need to EARN the right to know me.

in case that helps - it’s ok to feel hurt, because you may have felt more connected simply through sharing things, and it doesn’t work that way for everyone.

a good reframe is that if they can’t see how valuable connecting with you is, they aren’t the person for you, so they saved you a lot of work by leaving.

it still sucks & can feel like rejection. 💐

Original poster

afoolsgame · 13/04/2023 06:41

Thank you &@barmycatmum .. really insightful post.
@Watchkeys thank you but it really isn't that deep. It hurts to feel rejected . It's a very normal response but it is hard . Trying to make sense of why.
I think @barmycatmum nailed it.

OP posts:

Drusillagobwitch · 13/04/2023 07:52

I agree that @barmycatmum has nailed it.

All I can suggest is that you don't share too much on-line, look out for red flags and arrange to meet as soon as you can.

That way you won't have become too invested in someone who could turn out to be flaky.

EmmaEmerald · 13/04/2023 07:56

I get it OP

The most recent one for me was someone saying "I like to swing from branch to branch". At least she said something though.

very careful about how I invest my time in future.

EmmaEmerald · 13/04/2023 07:56

Oh, sorry.
my post wan't about men online.

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 13/04/2023 07:59

I ghost people I've never met. It's not because I get a better offer, it's because I had no interest in the person I was talking to and didn't feel I owed a stranger an explanation.

Original poster

afoolsgame · 13/04/2023 08:14

@MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco good to read another perspective although I find it rude. Thanks

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 13/04/2023 08:21

I don't think it's really rude to stop messaging someone you've never met. I don't think it's ghosting, either, any more than it's ghosting to stop chatting with a stranger whilst standing at the supermarket checkout once you start to get served. 'Ghosting' suggests some level of relationship, but the relationship had yet to be established.

Original poster

afoolsgame · 13/04/2023 08:23

Again , a different perspective which I appreciate.
I've never cut off a conversation without saying goodbye or chat soon. It may be a personal thing in that case.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 13/04/2023 10:55

It won't feel so bad when you accept that people who aren't compatible with you don't do things in the same way as you.

foolsgold123 · 13/04/2023 11:00

That's a really good point @Watchkeys .
It saves a lot of overthinking because at the end of the day they're not the people I actually want in my life but it certainly stings me !!!

Watchkeys · 13/04/2023 11:03

It really does save overthinking. People we 'fit' with don't require any relationship analysis. There's no 'Why is this like that??' and 'Why do I feel this way??', because it all makes sense.

Save yourself the effort and leave them all behind. Stick with the easy people. Honestly, it's life changing. I left my own father behind after realising this, and it's one of the best things I've ever done.

foolsgold123 · 13/04/2023 11:12

It is life changing and especially when in line dating as superficial as it sounds .
I know many women who literally crumble when they are told that there is no attraction or physical spark .
In my case I've sent a man photos of myself so as not to waste time having chatted for a week .
He hasn't opened the message yet or if he has he hasn't replied.
I was a bit earlier this morning but now I couldn't care less.
He will either respond and either way it will be respected or he won't and he's revealed himself once and early.
Either way there will be a revelation of who he is and whether we are compatible or not .""

gerbilcrocus · 13/04/2023 23:04

OhMyCherriePie · 12/04/2023 22:06

I’m odd as I don’t think ghosting is always wrong

Ghosting isn't wrong if someone is being obnoxious or abusive. Also if it fizzles out after a few messages then that's not a problem...
But to be chatting to someone frequently for a lengthy period only to suddenly disappear without a word, that's just really rude.

However, the moral here is never invest emotionally too much too early, and arrange a date as soon as possible, within a week, 2 weeks max if there are extenuating circumstances.

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