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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Not sure what to do with friend

6 replies

summerin69 · 12/04/2023 19:25

I have a good friend who I have a kind of Friends With Benefits arrangement, I guess you could say. He has made it clear he doesn’t want an emotional attachment or to fall in love etc. I can accept this and am okay with it. However, he tends to get jittery if he senses any kind of emotional development with me. I think this is more about his feelings than mine. Thing is - he has been having a very hard time lately and has said some things that have worried me - about his feeling really down. I’ve told him I’m here if he needs to talk. He has other friends and family of course but I now find myself in this weird position where I want to check in on him as a friend and to make sure he is okay - but am worried this comes across as me wanting more from our relationship. I know that sounds stupid but the boundaries on our friendship have become very mixed up by the ‘with benefits’ part. Would you just check up on him anyway to make sure he is okay and risk him thinking you want to be a girlfriend, or just give him lots of space to lean on his other friends?

OP posts:
wherearemyEastereggs · 12/04/2023 19:52

What do you want from it yourself and what sort of things is he saying when really down?

Pseudonamed · 12/04/2023 20:08

When was the last time you spoke to him or heard from him?

summerin69 · 12/04/2023 20:21

I’m happy with things being the way they are. But when a friend is having a hard time it’s natural to want to be there for them. I hate to think he’s struggling because I care … but maybe I’m reading it wrong and risk looking like I want more. If we were just friends I would definitely check in with him but because he says he can’t do an emotional attachment it makes me second guess myself

OP posts:
Namechange666 · 12/04/2023 20:25

Maybe just say that to him. Just say we are also friends with the benefits so since you're having a bad time, if it's okay with you then is it okay for me to check in with you now and then to check you're okay. And just explain it's not in a relationship capacity setting but as a friend you wanted to be there for him. See what he says. Honesty can be a good thing.

pictoosh · 12/04/2023 20:26

Hmm...I'm not sure about this. I probably wouldn't invest any emotional time and support in someone who told me they didn't want that from me. Not for fear of overwhelming or confusing him but more 'why bother?' for me.

declutteringmymind · 12/04/2023 20:27

Or you could say I think you need a friend at the moment more than you need benefits. Cool off the sex for a bit while he gets his head straight?

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