How can we navigate this

[Whyemseeaye]

DH and I are having an issue with communication when we have disagreements.

A few examples of this...

Last week DH snapped at me after a long day. It hurt my feelings and I was annoyed/quiet afterwards. Much later in the day I brought up that I was upset about how he'd spoken to me.

He was not happy to be told and was defensive and downplayed it. Starting bringing up other stuff to deflect attention away from him.

So on to today...we've recently had some work done in to our house. I'm happy, DH less so. He made a comment about something relating the the work, which I felt was said it an attacking way. I was fairly short and said it was fine.

He's now saying I've been rude to him, which then leads me to bring up stuff he's done recently. Ie being rude to me and then deflecting my pointing it out last week.

This is what always happens. We find it hard to not vent our own grievances off the back of the others upset.

Is there a way to deal with this? It's driving me nuts. We're both doing it to each other and we both hate it.

We generally get on okay, but with half term and long work hours we can get about tetchy with each other

It can be hard to avoid this at stressful times. I've heard that it's good to try to say five positive things to your partner for every negative thing. So there might still be negative things, but you'll feel more reassured that you see each other generally positively. Also, you could try having a weekly or fortnightly arranged time to talk about grievances, and at all other times try to avoid saying anything retaliatory. That way you know that you won't get hit with big complaints at any random time, and hopefully you can each be prepared to listen at that allotted time without it turning heated.

You both sound really childish to be honest

Perhaps consider couples counselling to get guidance and support for your communication problems?

Sit down and agree that you BOTH want to get along well.
Agree that hearing the other persons feelings and saying sorry immediately needs to happen.
Me and an ex of mine used to use the word 'solly' instead of 'sorry' and it took the sting out.

This, I'm afraid. You've identified what you want to stop doing, and you're adults. You are responsible for what comes out of your mouth. If you are actually unable to control the words you speak, where does that leave you?

What makes you say things you wish you hadn't? Is it anger? What does it feel like?