Break or divorce?

[Unwife]

Why did you chose to have a break instead of starting the divorce proceeding straight away?

Ive been with my husband for 23 years, married 10 years. Got 3 children and our house is already on the market before i decided do i want to carry on with this relationship because he been gambling, whenever he get stressed (full of excuses) on and off throughout our marriage. I was just being a soft arse but had enough!!

Thanks

I think when the relationship is breaking down due to incompatible personalities (can't think how else to put it) a break can be useful in giving you a bit of breathing space to see whether your life is more or less stressful, more or less secure, more or less joyful, etc. I asked my husband to leave for a week and by 4 days in I was 100% sure I wanted to split, I never wanted him to come back!!

However when the problem is being caused by addiction (ie gambling as in your case) it's very tricky because most addicts can manage a short period clean, which can persuade you to stay, but they then end up relapsing unless they've taken proper treatment. Sounds like your husband has already done this numerous times?

Treatment as its getting help. He been gambling for 10 years. (All started coa his ex-business partner didnt bother to turn up for work and i was moaning) The longest he was clean (that i know of!!) Was 3 months, but according to him its every time i moan, he get stressed out and blows loads of money at the bookies and not paying the bills. We barely got any money in the first place. I may as well give him my monthly wages and he can blow it all.

So he's blaming you for his addiction? You didn't cause it, no matter what he says. I think, if he's not prepared to accept his culpability, I would go for divorce. Remember if you stay married, you will probably be equally liable for debts.

I did pretend to go for a break first, but only to get my XH to leave the house so I could change the locks. I then informed him that we had separated pending divorce. I'm not proud of this deception, and it got pretty unpleasant, but it was the only way I could think of getting him out as I could not afford to get a place for me and the children, and I couldn't stand to be in the same room as him.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand he took the blame on himself for years. Last year he said that i pushed him 😔😔 i asked him why did he say i pushed him? He said he didnt mean it. (Whatever!..he said it).
He had one debt when he first got his self employed business going, he is still paying it off 15 years later. He never had big monthly money to pay it off. He been gambling with his wages in the bank.

@Nellieinthebarn i hoped it all worked out the best for you all.

I do need to stop seeing his face every day in order for me to rhink as it is very clouded rn

I'm sorry your going through this:
Gambling destroyed my daughter's marriage.
Compulsive gamblers are also compulsive liars.
I think it's was all the lies and the betrayal, then not accepting any responsibility.
With his permission, do a credit check, Experian and Totally Money for example.
Make sure he hasn't run up a lot of credit card debt or remortgaged your house etc
Plenty of threads on here regarding compulsive gamblers, which we found to have brilliant advice.
And the three C's
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cute it
Hope everything works out for you.

@Freddiesgranny thank you for your advice. And sorry your daughter went through it too. Its horrible because we cant plan anything, like a holiday abroad etc. 😪

I only stayed with him cos of the kids. But im so burnt out now.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation thank you for your advice. In the past 3 years, he goes through times where he doesnt gamble (i can only tell by looking at his bank as he knows i check if im feeling somethings off). Then suddenly hes all stressed and take out alot of money that he could/should be saving for any future plans.. im saving my money in my bank atm, bit by bit.

I feel you, I'm not going to give advice as I'm in a very similar predicament and dont know what to do myself , except I have no idea how much he spends or his dept, we've been together 23years married 20 in Sept, I Don't have access to his bank account (we don't have joint as I don't trust him not to spend it all) I don't know how much he brings home, he's always loved the bookies but it's more dangerous now as its all online, in my mind I want a divorce but it's a scary decision to make, if I was someone on the outside looking in I'd say leave ASAP but it takes time to realise whats going on in your own relationships sometimes doesn't it x

I have been with my partner for 6 years. I love him but not like I used too. I just dnt feel the same anymore. I feel so guilty. How do I feel him. I'm worried about what will happen after I tell him. I will lose so much and I have my daughter to think about