Consumed with guilt

[advice82]

Three years ago I met a man who I finally trusted to let get close after a previous relationship had left me scared to ever trust again (cheating, violence etc.) I was shocked that I was so open to this new man but still did my utmost to take things slowly so that I was making an informed decision. I questioned him about what he wanted from a relationship, from a partner, from his life and was utterly delighted that all of his answers seemed to align with mine. He wanted to live with his partner in time, get married, work hard, travel, really just everything that I had hoped for my own future.For six months we were a strong couple. He made me smile, he was attentive, kind, thoughtful. Sexually we were compatible. We talked about our future. It was easy and fun. As with everyone he would talk of his past, some of which was distressing but in no way put me off wanting to be with him – damaging early life, childhood sexual abuse, neglectful parents, familial alcoholism and drug use. If anything these revelations made me want to pull him closer and look after him even more. Just to show him that he was a special man who deserved to be treated well.After six months something shifted quite suddenly. His moods became dark. He began to shout at me for no reason. A silly joke would send him into a fowl mood. At all times together he appeared to either be angry at me or bored of my company. Sexually he became almost completely uninterested and no matter what I tried to reignite that part of our relationship it just died away. It finally got to the point were he timed our love making and said it shouldn’t take me longer that ten minutes to orgasm. If I didn’t he would just look so bored and uninterested which of course killed the mood for me. The silly fights meant we missed every Christmas, Valentines, Easter and Birthday celebration because he was seething in anger over something I’d done which had upset him. In three years I never got so much as a card to express his feelings. He decided that we only needed to see one another on a Saturdays and Sundays even if we were both off work during the week. He completely stopped talking about our future, making plans, he made me feel like our relationship was something he was having to get through. He also asked me to take charge of all of his life admin and paperwork which involved a huge amount of time dealing with tax people, etc. In the beginning this was fine and he was appreciative but slowly I began to feel like an unpaid secretary.Countless times I sat him down to discuss the obvious problems in our relationship but he refused to engage and claimed that there either were no problems or the problems were because of my insensitivity or “silliness”. Two weeks ago after a month of bad feeling I sat him down and told him that I loved him but I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore as I couldn’t see a happy future for either of us. Looking forward all I could see was both of us growing increasingly old and unhappy together. He was upset and accused me of abandoning him. I was hurt but I remained firm in my decision.I have been racked with guilt since. I know that I am not his mother and that I don’t owe anyone a relationship but I can’t help but feel that I have wronged him. Rationally I know that I tried everything possible to make the relationship work but I still feel terrible. I can’t eat or sleep. Will this awful feeling pass?

What an absolute fist he sounds. You are well rid. And well done for doing it too.

Bet it feels great to walk in the door and not wonder what mood he'll be in this time!

Ps to answer your question, it will pass.

You need to eat though. Even if it's just a nibble of toast and a bit of tea.

Then ask yourself why you're beating yourself up for breaking up with a man who treated you like shit instead of congratulating yourself for not taking long to see the red flags and act!

You feel guilty because he manipulated you to a point where you feel responsible for his well-being. Honestly when this starts to lift you will feel amazing I promise.

He sounds beyond awful and will have decimated your self esteem. You are so much more x

Also he was really good at re-establishing his victim status. Vile.

I struggle with guilt. I’ve had a similar partnership that left me feeling incredibly guilty when I had to end it. YES it gets better. You need empowering podcasts, music, tv. Be kind to yourself. Eat well, gentle exercise etc. Stick with it and trust yourself, you ended this for a good reason, guilt passes!

Also....the no Xmas and birthdays. Ffs. Such cruelty.

Hopefully the guilt will soon be replaced with gratitude and relief that you've escaped what was - or was soon to be - a very abusive relationship. It's absolutely not you, it's him.

Sounds like a utter bellend OP, you'd do well to be rid of him

You need to remember he was functioning fine before you met him, so no reason as to why he wouldn't be capable of that now. He has totally brought this situation upon himself, due to his selfish, unreasonable behaviour. You've been a saint to have put up with him this long and l doubt he is as concerned over your current wellbeing as you are his. It's so easy for these men to tell someone everything they so desperately want to hear in the early days but time catches up and you end up seeing their true colours. You would have nothing but a lifetime of disappointment, you now have the chance to go on to much better things.

Thanks for the positive messages and apologies for the big block of text. It reformatted after I posted it and isn't an easy read. I know that he had a life before me and will do afterwards. I keep repeating that to myself.

He’s pissed off because he’s lost a free Secretary, book keeper, housekeeper, cook etc…. As pp aid he functioned just fine before you met — all the poor me act is laid on to make you feel guilty.
Find your anger — he’s treated you like an unpaid servant, he doesn’t care about your happiness, he timed sex????? That is just weird.
Practice swearing at him in your own home, call him everything you want to and then block him on everything, hounding have to see, hear I’d think of him again.

Please please make a list of all the things he made it difficult to enjoy and do them. All of them with friends or just yourself.

Oh bless you ❤️

💪🏻 well done for having the strength to let go

Whatever his issues are, it's not your problem

Oh for sure this sounds like borderline personality disorder especially with his abandonment issues. Don’t let him draw you in. He sounds a total wanker.

He sounds like a complete wanker.

And he's full of shit, playing the abandonment card....did he act like he was happy in the relationship? That he loved you? wanted to be happy and to make you happy? No.

I disagree that it sounds like borderline personality disorder because if that was the case he'd probably have felt intensely passionate about the OP and be obsessed with her and then you'd be on the receiving end of all of the negative side of it and then back to thinking you were amazing again and repeat that over and over.

This sounds like he was great for the first 6 months and has been a complete torment for the past 2.5 years. I know that the BPD cycle can sometimes take place over years so it can't be completely ruled out, but it's also just as likely to be a typical case of someone who love bombs or is great for the first few months until their partner is hooked and then switches up.

It will definitely pass OP. How long have you not been eating or sleeping?

It will pass, eventually.

I wrote the same post as you about 6 years ago. I'm so much happier without him in my life.

But it's hard though, isn't it, being discarded after the lovebombing stage? Someone who appears to be everything you've ever wanted at first who puts you on a pedestal, cant do enough for you, and then: BAM! flicks an emotional off switch, in an instant, leaving you wondering what you've done, you're repeatedly asking what can be done to fix his problem but him still saying you should be together whilst making zero effort ...

(My ex has also discarded all of his siblings now. They all tried to warn me what he was like from the beginning because they'd seen him repeat this behaviour for the last 30-odd years).

I questioned him about what he wanted from a relationship, from a partner, from his life and was utterly delighted that all of his answers seemed to align with mine.

Right from this line I knew exactly how the rest of the saga would unfold.

• childhood abuse, addiction issues
• sudden change of personality
• sex life died
• inexplicable hostility and boredom
• dismissal of your feelings, accusations of oversensitivity, refusal to discuss issues
• all special occasions ruined but somehow you are to blame
• handoff of dull life responsibilities
• accusations of abandonment when you finally get some boundaries and end the relationship

You have written a perfect checklist for covert narcissism. Go and do some extensive reading and it will help you feel much better.

I can’t help but feel that I have wronged him

Can you say exactly what it is you've done to him, and boil it down to a sentence or two? Not for brevity; for focus.

She left him, that’s why he’s putting the guilt in her. And he was such a good baby, hubba bubba, sweet ling with a ‘poor me attitude’ always being the victim in all his stories and now SHE has made him a victim AGAIN. But this time it’s worse than any other time. In fact she was cruel to him, whilst he, with all his ‘sweet (yet fucking abusive) qualities’ is yet again an abandoned victim discarded by OP.

OP please reread your post. It’s dripping with his abuse towards you. It’s very clear the victim was and is you. Don’t let him into your life unless you crave absolute carnage and to feel the pangs of love, I mean ‘love’ again, it wasn’t love it was fakery to get you into his net. Ditch him forever.

@Boomboom84In the final two and a half years I don’t remember him ever being happy. He was always either angry or bored. It was like the life and any hope for a good future had drained out of him. I spent that time either apologising for having done nothing wrong or desperately trying to make him happy and see that there is good in the world.It’s been two weeks since I’ve slept properly or eaten more than a snack.  @WatchkeysLogically I know that I haven’t wronged him but a bit of me feels that I should have recognised at the beginning how damaged he was from childhood neglect and sexual abuse and never have put us both in a position in which this would be the outcome. Stupidly I thought that my love would show him that his terrible childhood was not his fault and no reflection of him or his worth. I thought that if I loved him hard enough that he might move past the sadness and anger.Too often I found myself literally holding his hands while he was shaking with anger trying to get him to calm down. Perhaps I did more damage than good, to us both.  @torquewenchI’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been through so much pain. Last night I met a friend of his while walking in my local park. He hadn’t heard about our breakup but when I told him he wasn’t surprised. In fact he was surprised that I had stayed so long.

What was your childhood like, @advice82 ? This need to assign responsibility to yourself to look after someone else, despite your own feelings, is generally a learned behaviour.

Did your parents listen to and respect each others' feelings? Did they listen to and respect yours?

Why do you feel so responsible for this man's feelings. He didn't give a toss about yours, did he? Your only mistake was in not leaving earlier.

Please move on and enjoy your life. No doubt he will be making someone else's life a misery soon enough, his only regret will be the loss of a housekeeper / personal assistant.

@advice82

Last night I met a friend of his while walking in my local park. He hadn’t heard about our breakup but when I told him he wasn’t surprised. In fact he was surprised that I had stayed so long.

This ^ should tell you a good deal than, OP. Your ex-partner was able to mask for a relatively short time, possibly also mirroring you, your character and actions until he had you where he wanted you, being his major factotum handling his responsibilities whilst emotionally diminishing you.

Please realise you are well shot of him. If you'd stayed with him he would have made you a shadow of yourself. Breathe in the fresh air of your freedom and build a better future without him. 🌹

God you are brave to finally leave this fucked up bell end. He has taken up far too much of your time already! Move on - he’s really bad for your self esteem xx