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Original poster

Lack of emotional connection with DH

29 replies

Rubyglass · 12/04/2023 11:53

I have been married for 15 years to my DH. When I met him I think we had a bit of an emotional connection, but I also had very low self esteem and spent a lot of time trying to make him happy, listening to him and fitting in with his wants and needs. We have had quite an up and down relationship at times. We have both had counselling over the years and now are at a place where we are bringing up our children, and living fairly peacefully together.

The problem is that I don't feel emotionally connected to him. I don't feel that he can "see" the real me, nor that he is very interested in finding out. We don't really have any shared goals or dreams, it always seems that he says his views but isn't really that interested in hearing about mine. There just seems to be a barrier between us and I feel so lonely.

He has said that he doesn't feel a need to connect with me in that way - he tries sometimes, as he knows I would like it, but it doesn't come naturally.

I don't know if I have an inordinate need for connection as I didn't get much, if any, emotional connection as I was growing up. So I'm not sure if the problem is the relationship or if it's me.

We have a nice family home, DC, shared finances etc - the thought of destroying all of that because of a lack of connection seems crazy.

Do most people have an emotional bond with their spouse? Is my need for this normal or excessive?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubyglass · 13/04/2023 07:13

@TedMullins we've had couples therapy on two separate occasions. DH got a bit better during and immediately after the therapy, but soon reverted back to his natural personality. I just think this is how he is and he's not going to change, so I just need to decide whether or not I can live with this situation for the rest of my life!

OP posts:
Original poster
Rubyglass · 13/04/2023 07:34

Watchkeys · 13/04/2023 05:12

Giving myself self respect and self love is a work in progress

Do you mean that learning to do it is a work in progress, or that it's something you consistently do every day and will continue to do?

If it's the former, you can change it to the latter, this second. This was the realisation that changed my life. I don't have to 'work on' giving myself respect; all I have to do is do it. It's a million micro changes, not one macro change. Like giving up cigarettes is a one-craving-at-a-time thing, rather than an overall major life decision, and you can waver, and make mistakes, and fall off the wagon, but the option you strive for is always there, available to you. Self respect is there for you right now, it's not something you're looking for or trying to find. So, for example, when you put the kettle on in a few minutes, are you going to have the decaf or the full strength, given that you had trouble getting to sleep last night? When you choose between a muffin, a chocolate, or nothing, which is the self respecting option? Are you going to crash in front of Netflix, or are you going to put in some study time?

Good questions to ask yourself, before all decisions, even tiny ones, is 'What do I want?' and 'What would a self respecting person do?' You will end up with a life that, even in the smallest ways, delivers what you want, and what's good for you. It's surprising how these micro-respects build rapidly into something you can apply to bigger decisions like the one you're tussling with now.

Also, turn your statement on its head:

We have a nice family home, DC, shared finances etc - the thought of destroying all of that because of a lack of connection seems crazy

Do you want your children to grow up with their primary example 'couple' being something shallow? You know they'll copy you, right? You are their template. If you want them to do what they want to with their live, if you want them to do what makes them happy, you have to do what makes you happy. Do you want to stay in an unsatisfying relationship for the rest of your life because of technicalities like money and a house? This is your every-single-day. Every day denying what you want and need, because it would be inconvenient for you to try to get it. Is that what a self respecting person would do?

Thanks for your post @Watchkeys it's really helpful. The part about how every decision you make, no matter how small, can either be self respecting or not, really resonated.

And what you have said about whether I stay or go, and the example I'm setting my children - I really needed to hear that. To be honest I feel so scared at the thought of splitting up, for many reasons, but I think what I need to do is investigate my options (finances, housing etc) and then perhaps it won't feel so daunting.

OP posts:
ooforgoodnesssake · 03/09/2024 04:55

@Rubyglass
What did you decide to do in the end?

Skylarkconnects · 06/05/2025 17:54

Hi @Rubyglass , I know this is an old thread but I could have written your post. Curious as to what you’ve decided to do…

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