Lack of emotional connection with DH

[Rubyglass]

I have been married for 15 years to my DH. When I met him I think we had a bit of an emotional connection, but I also had very low self esteem and spent a lot of time trying to make him happy, listening to him and fitting in with his wants and needs. We have had quite an up and down relationship at times. We have both had counselling over the years and now are at a place where we are bringing up our children, and living fairly peacefully together.

The problem is that I don't feel emotionally connected to him. I don't feel that he can "see" the real me, nor that he is very interested in finding out. We don't really have any shared goals or dreams, it always seems that he says his views but isn't really that interested in hearing about mine. There just seems to be a barrier between us and I feel so lonely.

He has said that he doesn't feel a need to connect with me in that way - he tries sometimes, as he knows I would like it, but it doesn't come naturally.

I don't know if I have an inordinate need for connection as I didn't get much, if any, emotional connection as I was growing up. So I'm not sure if the problem is the relationship or if it's me.

We have a nice family home, DC, shared finances etc - the thought of destroying all of that because of a lack of connection seems crazy.

Do most people have an emotional bond with their spouse? Is my need for this normal or excessive?

I feel the same with my DP. We have little emotional connection or intimacy he will never talk about feelings unless made to- he doesn’t like to…we have had a really difficult time the last 6 months yet, not once has he said how am I feeling about everything... it makes you feel quite lonely. So I do understand how you feel.

OP, what happens when you start a conversation with DH "When you say X, this makes me feel Y. How do you feel about this?"

You might be able to coax him into opening up a bit. He just might not be used to talking in this way.

If it helps, remember: Stereotypical old fashioned males are not encouraged at all to share emotions and feelings. Many guys would take this as a sign of weakness.

To some extent his behaviour towards you this might be a reflection of these learned behaviour(s).

Im in the same boat. I joke to a friend that me and my husband are like flatmates but then we're not even mates. More strangers at a bus stop. I understand the loneliness and feel so unloved and adrift. But i love my house, my kids, my neighbours, my job, my friends, proximity to family. And all of those things/places etc would have to change if we split.

I feel exactly the same as chessburger. But I do not think it is entirely my DH fault, I think I lack connection with many people close to me. It isn't like I don't talk to people about things, but I keep my innermost thoughts and feelings guarded. I find it easier to connect with people I know less well. No idea how to connect more with DH, it's all very surface-level. Even when I speak about things that are worrying me, or he does, it still feels surface-level. No idea if that makes sense.

I've read too many fantasy novels with strong connections within and feel dissatisfied.

I do wonder whether it is a very common thing. For you though, it sounds like your DH's wants and needs are the focus for your family?

@Channellingsophistication @chessburger I'm sorry to hear that you are both in a similar position. It is so hard to live like this. No matter how much social interaction I get out of the home, it is still always heartbreaking to come back to this sterile relationship at home. I think living on my own would be so much easier than living with someone who doesn't want emotional intimacy - but there are so many other factors to consider.

@goodf yes I am sure some of his behaviours are due to his upbringing, and being taught that men don't express emotion etc. I have tried to have those types of conversations so many times, asking how he feels about things and saying how I feel. I am just tired of always being the one who has to bring everything up all the time - it just doesn't come naturally to him. It always ends up with him feeling defensive and saying "I'm sorry I can't be the person you want me to be, I know I am a disappointment to you" etc.

He is happy to plod along, barely talking (certainly not about anything deep), barely any affection and barely seeming to notice me. But he says he loves me! I don't feel loved at all though.

@Rubyglass how are you sorted for support networks, are you ok on the friends side of things?

If not, I'd do my best to branch out, start some new classes or activities to get out there and meet people.

From then on, it's ultimatum time with DH I think. His passive behaviour needs to challenged. If things don't change you need to think about your own happiness and prioritizing that more and finding someone you are more compatible with.

I suppose it depends what you mean by emotional bond. I remember when a guy I was dating got all upset and said “you never tell me what you’re thinking or tell me about your feelings, and I want to know what’s inside your head and heart.” And I just thought, why would we talk about my feelings? I’m happy and content and find my life interesting and fulfilling 98.5% of the time. I take my life as it comes at me and I don’t worry about the future or stress about things I can’t control. I don’t have any “feelings” or anything “in my heart” to talk to with anyone about beyond that. I’d much rather talk about a train journey I once took from Moscow to Vladivostok; or the weird hotel you stayed at when you booked last minute in Eastbourne; or a really good recipe for Japanese omelette - because that’s the stuff I’m usually thinking about. I don’t have hidden fathoms of depth. I don’t think DH and I have ever had a deep and meaningful about emotions or feels tbh, so I suspect we’re similar in this regard.

Are you sure there’s not just a bit of that going on? That your DH simply isn’t somebody who derives an “emotional connection” from deep and meaningfuls about his inner self? A lot of people seem to think that a good relationship is one where there’s always something emotional and deep going on and forget that actually, the best and kind of relationship with the greatest depth is the one where you’re just at ease with each other. The depth comes through shared experiences and with time, and as you spend more time in each other’s company, the connection comes that way. It certainly does with me, anyway.

I think the bigger issue if you don’t feel you have any shared goals and there’s little affection or intimacy. Was there affection to begin with? Presumably when you decided together to marry, have children, live where you do and all those other big adult decisions, there were mutual goals and wants in there which you each voiced? Can you pinpoint when they disappeared?

@LuciferRising I totally know what you mean about even when you talk to your DH about any worries it feels surface level. I just feel that there is a lack of depth in our relationship, I can't connect to anything deeper in him.

I used to keep all my feelings and thoughts hidden from everyone, but in recent years I have opened up more to a few friends and some family, and it feels really nice to be emotionally connected. I have also met a couple of men over the years where there seemed to be mutual attraction and connecting deeply (it never went any further than a few conversations) so I know the potential is there, and I guess it has shown me what is missing in my relationship with DH.

Yes I think in the past I did focus on my DH's wants and needs, and it's only in recent times that I have realised my own wants and needs!

@ComtesseDeSpair I understand what you are saying - I think when you are with someone that you feel happy with, there is not necessarily a need to have deep conversations all the time. Conversations about experiences you've had or your interests etc can be just as good a way of connecting - its just that I don't really have that either with my DH, the conversation just doesn't seem to flow.

Yes there was affection at the beginning - over the years it has dwindled. I have said to him that I would like more affection but nothing has changed. If I'm honest I don't know if we particularly had shared goals at the beginning, I think we have always been quite different, but because I had low self esteem I didn't really consider what I wanted, only what he wanted. I think the difference now is that I am considering what I want!

Your post is relatable, and I don't think it's necessarily your upbringing that's causing your unhappiness. A person with a lot of emotion connection in their childhood wouldn't necessarily be happier in your shows.

Some men have wives to perform a function, and they're not really interested in them as people, as human beings. They want sex, comfort when it suits them, company when it suits them. They want 'a wife' to fit into society, to have their children, another important function. They don't really see you as an antonymous human being, more like a valuable piece of household furniture or machinery. Some of it's is down to some people's view of marriage as more of a practical thing, and some it is down to pure selfishness or self-centredness. They are blind to you as a person.

Therefore, you will never have the acknowledgement that something is wrong, that you're looking for. Things are mostly ok for them, because their needs are being met. I think a lot of women stay in such relationships because the only way they'll give themselves permission to leave, is if both parties are unhappy. Clearly this will lead to a very unbalanced relationship, with one person quite satisfied, and the other lonely in their own marriage, wondering if they are the problem, not wanting to rock the boat or disturb what may be on the outside a peaceful environment.

You have the right to feel the way you do OP. If you feel unloved, then maybe there is a possibility that this is actually true. People don't necessarily tell their partners the truth.

Imagine if your husband actually said to you that he doesn't love you? In a lot of cases, that would lead up to a break-up, which, is something he won't want if he's getting all or most of his needs met in your relationship. Therefore, I actually don't think you can rely on the truth of this claim in this circumstance.

The other reason why this might not be true, is because he is simply incapable of loving you the way you want to be loved. He may not have romantic inclinations at all, or when he says he loves you, he might say it the same way, and with the same importance as someone would do if they said they loved their house. A housemate arrangement might be all that he requires, with a bit of sex and support from you on the side.

That's why you'll have to rely and trust your own feelings on this, which is very difficult when the other person insists they love you and seems quite content.

autonomous*

It always ends up with him feeling defensive and saying "I'm sorry I can't be the person you want me to be, I know I am a disappointment to you

This is so bad for the both of you.

Please know that not everything is due to upbringing - these traits might be innate to him. Also, when he says this, I imagine you might feel bad or put off from discussing this issue in the future?

It seems to me like you are not emotionally compatible at all, or rather, he won't be emotionally compatible with many women. Most women want to be appreciated as individuals, to be seen.

Feel all of this too

Life is too short to not FEEL. After experiencing close emotional bonds and connection I would not settle for this emptiness.

My DP and I are like this, but that's how we both like it. I don't want to talk about my feelings and emotions, it makes me cringe to think about it, and a partner that wanted this from me just wouldn't work.

Rubyglass, I feel for you! Very similar situation here. But been married 34 years. Pretty much everything else is fine except there is a complete emotional disconnect. But my DH cannot even say what yours says! DH is so out of touch with his emotions despite all his other qualities. It is immensely frustrating and lonely, but also because I live abroad with a foreign spouse.

I think having had low self esteem like you means we need more attention and validation to feel loved. Mine is never interested in me, my life. How can that be? That has always been missing and has never changed; it has in fact gotten worse with time.
This said, it is important to remember no one is perfect or can provide all your emotional needs. We need friends and all kinds of activities, work, or children to have a full life. I am a creative and have poured myself into music and art to make up for that missing element. The most important element that I think though is missing is self-love. True and deep. Because noone, can really make us happy- noone is responsible for our happiness except ourselves. We need to work on meeting our own needs.

I'm not so sure becoming single or finding a different partner is the answer. Maybe. But if you think it is don't wait any longer. It doesn't get better with time. And if you're like me you won't really enjoy being together alot more in retirement . Divorce at 65? It's not happening.

Good luck!

I think posters are reading the term 'emotional connection' as talking about feelings all the time. I read it as the sharing of experiences, sense of humour, common interests/hobbies/passions, the uncanny ability to know what your partner likes or doesn't like (deeper than your favourite food or singer) - essentially KNOWING your partner as an individual rather than the person you share a home with.

@EarthSight makes a good observation that many people choose relationships for very practical reasons - life is easy with them, and doesn't involve too much compromise. For your DP, right from the start you have blended into his life thus making it very easy for him to do what he's always done with the added bonus of someone to share it with. I doubt he would be as happy with a woman who had her own life/interests who expected him to compromise and slot in with her. So yes, he does love you - but not in the way you want. He loves you as someone comfortable and familiar, and that means he doesn't care who you are/what you want/whether you're happy because that's not relevant to his happiness.

He won't change and I guess your decision should be - are you happy with the life you have where you're a supporting actor in his world? Or do you want to incorporate more of yourself into the relationship i.e your hobbies/interests/desires being as much centre stage as his? He may not be able to change how emotive/communicative he is but he can change how much he compromises. E.g. spending a day doing what YOU want.

As an aside - the more independent you are, the more you desire connection with a partner because that's the only benefit they offer to a full, happy life you otherwise live alone. Also the more independent you are, the more you want a partner who respects and admires your unique qualities/traits and isn't looking for someone to just slot into their life.

This doesn't need to mean end your marriage. But you should start making your presence felt and not just blending into the background to suit him. Only then will you know whether he loves you for you (even when you're taking up space) or loves you just because you make his life easy.

I feel exactly the same @Rubyglass I don't feel seen or noticed, it's as if I could be anyone as long as I play the wife/mother role so he can be seen as a family man, when in reality he does whatever the f he likes and leaves all the responsibility to me. I sometimes test him by letting my towel drop a bit when I come out of the shower, or I exercise in front of him, things that might turn any other man on, but not a flicker from him. That's one aspect of our lack of connection. But more than that, as with you, there is just no understanding between us. He can be quite emotional, but for himself, not others. He was very anxious during covid lockdown, and almost demanded I drop everything and help him when he wanted to talk, which I did, and which his family did, and then as soon as he got over it this was all forgotten. I went through cancer diagnosis and treatment, and he had no idea how to give me and support or comfort, aside from dropping me off and picking me up when I was having surgery. In fact he did some quite insensitive and inconsiderate things which really made me lose any feelings I had previously had. It really drains you and I don't want to feel drained anymore. But neither do I want to lose my house, uproot my kids, upset him (ffs why should I put his feeling above mine, but I do) and I go backwards and forwards in my head endlessly. I don't know what to say to you to advise you on what to do next. I have no idea myself. But I think there must be so many people like us, wondering whether we're asking too much from our partners. I don't think we are, but I can't help feeling selfish to want more than to plod on.

So I'm not sure if the problem is the relationship or if it's me

It's both. Just like, if you don't like broccoli, it doesn't mean there's something up with broccoli. It's about you, and what you want, like, and need. You are causing the problem in your relationship, because you don't get what you need from it. You're not wrong. Your partner isn't wrong. You're just different, and that's fine. You've recognised that you need a deeper connection than he offers, so leave the relationship and find yourself someone who offers you that.

You're not really offering yourself any kind of deep understanding of emotion, are you... you have feelings, and you think they're a problem. Would that seem understanding to you, if a friend came and talked to you about their feelings, and you said 'Well, you're causing a problem, feeling like that, probably...'?

The emotional understanding in your life will come from you understanding you, first. So accept these needs you have. Might be because you were deprived, might just be who you are, doesn't matter. The fact is, this is how you feel, and you need to design your life around that; be around things and people who make you feel great. Avoid those you feel a bit rubbish about. Things will look brighter and brighter.

It's called self respect.

@EarthSight incredibly wise post. You have absolutely described my marriage - I just always felt he loved having a wife, rather than loved me, specifically. I think he wanted me to be a kind of mirror to reflect back his own thoughts and values. Our friends are surprised we've split up and say 'oh but he adores you, he puts you on a pedestal!' - but that was half the problem. I'm a person, not a trophy or a mirror or a symbol.

Thank you everyone, it has been really helpful to read all the posts.

@EarthSight – thank you for your post, it is so insightful. It has really made things clearer for me. Yes, I do think my DH thinks of me as performing a function in his life, and that he feels that things with us are ok as most of his needs are being met. And you are right that a lot of women stay in these sorts of relationships as they feel they can only leave if their husband is also unhappy. I have thought that I wouldn’t mind if my DH said that he didn’t love me, as at least then we could hopefully separate amicably and both move on. As it is, I feel I can’t face the upheaval and stress if I am the only one who wants it. And I also feel that as you say, he is incapable of loving me the way I want to be loved.

@Whataretalkingabout I’m sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation and that it has got worse over time (I think my situation is also getting worse over time). I agree that we all need a full life to feel happy and fulfilled. I am in the process of changing jobs which I think will be a positive move, and I have some good friends and make time for exercise etc. I have definitely struggled with self love and continue to work on meeting my own needs.

I do think that in a way I would find it easier on my own, as there wouldn’t be the negative energy draining me, and the pain I feel from the lack of connection and attention. When I am alone I usually feel fine, I feel worse when my DH is there. Being alone and a single parent would bring other challenges though, I know.

@ganvough – yes that’s what I meant by emotional connection! I think the more independent I am getting, financially and emotionally, the more I am not prepared to always compromise and blend into DH’s life anymore. All I can do is see if he is prepared to compromise and give more emotionally.

@AlwaysTheGoodGirl l – I totally relate to how you feel. My DH is also emotional for himself but not others, and I also supported him emotionally through lockdown! I am sorry to hear you went through cancer treatment without much support from him, that must have been so difficult. I also go back and forwards endlessly in my head about whether to stay or leave.

@Watchkeys I think it does come back to really knowing myself, what I need and want, and giving myself permission to have that. Giving myself self respect and self love is a work in progress!

@Hoolihan I hope you are happy now you have split – was it an easy or difficult decision for you?

As it is, I feel I can’t face the upheaval and stress if I am the only one who wants it

And that's understandable, but you need to accept that you will probably never had the relationship you crave for as long as you are with him. I think this is what you're wrestling with because I think it's the equivlent of a person never having sex again, for example.

I had a previous marriage in which I felt a strong emotional connection. This marriage is so different. I try not to compare but it feels like the person who is meant to be most interested in what I think, feel and do is quite content not noticing or asking, with less and less desire to really know me on a deeper level as I change and grow.

This kind of detachment evokes a somewhat intangible sense of loneliness in me.

Giving myself self respect and self love is a work in progress

Do you mean that learning to do it is a work in progress, or that it's something you consistently do every day and will continue to do?

If it's the former, you can change it to the latter, this second. This was the realisation that changed my life. I don't have to 'work on' giving myself respect; all I have to do is do it. It's a million micro changes, not one macro change. Like giving up cigarettes is a one-craving-at-a-time thing, rather than an overall major life decision, and you can waver, and make mistakes, and fall off the wagon, but the option you strive for is always there, available to you. Self respect is there for you right now, it's not something you're looking for or trying to find. So, for example, when you put the kettle on in a few minutes, are you going to have the decaf or the full strength, given that you had trouble getting to sleep last night? When you choose between a muffin, a chocolate, or nothing, which is the self respecting option? Are you going to crash in front of Netflix, or are you going to put in some study time?

Good questions to ask yourself, before all decisions, even tiny ones, is 'What do I want?' and 'What would a self respecting person do?' You will end up with a life that, even in the smallest ways, delivers what you want, and what's good for you. It's surprising how these micro-respects build rapidly into something you can apply to bigger decisions like the one you're tussling with now.

Also, turn your statement on its head:

We have a nice family home, DC, shared finances etc - the thought of destroying all of that because of a lack of connection seems crazy

Do you want your children to grow up with their primary example 'couple' being something shallow? You know they'll copy you, right? You are their template. If you want them to do what they want to with their live, if you want them to do what makes them happy, you have to do what makes you happy. Do you want to stay in an unsatisfying relationship for the rest of your life because of technicalities like money and a house? This is your every-single-day. Every day denying what you want and need, because it would be inconvenient for you to try to get it. Is that what a self respecting person would do?

Genuine question - how did you ever progress the relationship/decide to move in/get married/ have kids if you’ve got them, if you never discuss feelings?

OP I don’t think you’re wrong or abnormal for wanting a connection! I can’t even imagine how a relationship without an emotional connection would happen. I’m probably on the very other end of the scale in that I’m very emotionally open and need that back from a partner, and I definitely have that in my current relationship, I’ve been with more reserved people in the past and found it frustrating but even they were capable of affection and telling me how they felt about me. Would you and he consider couples therapy?