Effects of emotionally abusive husband on our children

[Omelette1]

Background: Currently making plans to leave my Husband due to emotional and financial abuse, as well as his cocaine addiction.

We private rent at the moment, and I'm on the council waiting list on Band B bidding for a house under fleeing domestic abuse/prevention of homelessness.

I'm adding supporting evidence to my application, and at the moment gathering evidence on the effect my Husband is having on the children.

We have 2 daughters, age 7 and 9. The eldest is autistic, and I feel she has been especially affected. Examples of what she has said recently:

"I wish we had our own house without Daddy"

"Daddy hates me"

"Daddy puts songs on I don't like makes fun of me" (he will put parody songs on with her name in them. She gets really distressed/ has a meltdown but he laughs at her and calls her soft)

"When I cry, Daddy laughs at me and makes silly voices" (mocking her)

"Daddy says I'm always lying when I'm not"

"Daddy says he doesn't want kids anymore and wishes I lived somewhere else"

We have pets and he frequently tells the children we're going to get rid of them as punishment for their "behaviour".

I believe he still uses cocaine once or twice a week. Despite him denying this, I know the signs to look for now. If he isn't irritable on a comedown, he is constantly "ill" (stomach pains, headaches, sinus problems) which contribute to his mood.

He has been a frequent user for years, but I only found out about this last year. He promised me he would change but he hasn't , and isn't willing to engage with the GP etc for help.

Due to his irritability, he will often shout at the children to "stop making a noise" or "stop making baby voices" when playing with their dolls.

On more than one occasion when my eldest was eating a packet of crisps, he told her to stop crunching them so loudly. To me, it didn't even register she was making a noise at all. Seconds later he grabbed the bag off her, screwed them up crushing the crisps, and threw them in the bin. My Daughter burst in to tears and he said "that's what happens when you chew loudly and I've asked you to stop!"

The awful thing is, he will make noises my daughter doesn't like (eg whistling) to the point she has a meltdown, and then laughs at her. So he's incredibly hypocritical and confusing my daughter.

I know the above is wrong, hence me leaving. But how am I best to get the support my girls need moving forward? I'm going to approach the school for support after the easter holidays. Will they write a supporting letter for the housing situation detailing the seriousness of the emotional impact on my daughters ?

My eldest is also under CAHMS as she is a year or so in to an autism assessment. She doesn't have an allocated worker yet but they have given me a number to get in touch if I need any support or advice - would they also be able to write a supporting letter?

I'd also appreciate advice on how best to support my daughters mental health both now and moving forwards.

I just want to be out of this situation and in our own home peacefully together as soon as possible.

Bump

Do you have a social worker?;you could ask for support from them;they could actually force him from your home in order to protect your children;emotional abuse and drug abuse is enough for them to step in;they can be your ally rather than an enemy.

Thanks for your reply

No, social services aren't involved at the moment.

In an ideal world, I can get the council house and leave him as opposed to forcing him out of the home, to mitigate the impact on our long term coparenting relationship. He would be incredibly difficult going forward if it came to court orders etc.

When I found out about the cocaine use last year, I asked him to leave. He responded by threatening to kill himself and I called the police. When they arrived he switched on the charm and convinced them all was well. He then turned it round on me asking how I could even contemplate calling the police on him (even though it was for his own welfare!). He managed to convince me he would change, but of course he hasn't. Our private rental is £900pcm, an absolute drain on my finances. A council house is half the price and would help me recover from him financially.

Womens Aid offer far superior help.

Oh my god this is terrible OP, your poor daughter. Definitely get in touch with women's aid if you haven't already. You don't have to call, there's a live chat feature on their website, they can then refer you on to best local organisation to help you and your kids get away from this disgusting excuse for a man. Talking to school is a good idea too, ask for the safeguarding lead and disclose to that person what is happening.
The change in my DC since we got away from our abuser is incredible, you can do this. Good luck.

Thanks for your reply.

I have spoken to Women's Aid a couple of times. They recommended I talk again to local dv service (I've done this previously, but the woman I spoke to said I don't have a lot of options if im not willing to go to a refuge! Rather than explaining to me how I can fight to be a housing priority in my local area )

Im going to speak to the school for support as soon as Easter break is over.

I'm worried about the implications with my Husband whilst we are still living with him - I understand anyone with safeguarding concerns must refer to social services and they have to investigate. But I'm anxious need that if they insist on speaking to my Husband , I will be put at risk of retaliation from him for telling them what is going on at home, either whilst I'm still living with him or when we co parent in the future.

He's just made tea for us all... my eldest went to get herself a snack, he's told her she's to wait until after tea. This triggered a meltdown as he repeatedly told her no and she scratched him as he was holding her back from the fridge. In retaliation, he kicked her away (she had her back to him at that point). He downplayed it saying it wasn't that hard, more of a "push with his foot" but daughter ran off in tears saying her bum really hurt. He didn't apologise to her, just told her that's what happens when she scratches and he would do it harder if she ever did it again.

She's gone to eat tea in her room now. There isn't a mark on her but it's more the fact an adult is suggesting that's an acceptable way of dealing with her meltdowns. She already copies his swearing and "winding up" behaviours.

i don’t have any practical advice, but Jesus he’s an evil shit. My mouth was open in horror reading the things your poor daughter said he does and says to her. I hope you all get out soon.

From a housing law POV if you won't go to a refuge you won't be a priority for housing. Technically you're not homeless and you have been given an acceptable to them place to live to get away from the abuse.

You won't get any priority on the council waiting list by stating things your daughter has said. What you may get is a referral to SS because you're not protecting your children and leaving to go to a refuge place offered.

I'm not saying this is morally right but housing law wise you won't be a priority until you're in a refuge.

Your home life sounds a lot like mine growing up, you need to get your dd's out asap, and if possible not let him have contact or at least not on his own. They need to have counselling, speak to their school as they might be able to help. Take any help that Is offered to you and make sure you keep letting your dd's know none of it is true. It will take time but hopefully they will be able to have amazing lives with you.

I thought there had to be reasonable effort from the council to accommodate in local area where possible, even if its temporary housing or B&B, especially as I rely heavily on my support network for my own mental health and my daughters. The eldest would really struggle in a refuge environment, especially with shared facilities, miles away from the familiar faces of family, friends and the routine of school.

I'm not debating I need to get out soon as possible, this environment is detrimental to her too - I just want to cause at least trauma to us all as possible whilst doing it

The least trauma to us all*

Thankyou. He's somehow managed to normalise it all up until now and the scales are falling from my eyes. He grew up in an abusive home too so he probably feels its nothing out of the ordinary, but I'm realising that he's setting them up to normalise abusive behaviours

Dearest @Omelette1 however challenging your daughter would find a refuge she, her sister and you will be safe and on your way to a new life; she is being damaged more every moment she is subjected to your husband’s vile behaviour.

I’ve recently left an abuser, and the difference in my childrens’ demeanour is considerable - I know it seems better the devil you know at the moment, but it really isn’t, get the three of you out of there and let the refuge work with the council to house you.

I understand OP, honestly in your situation I would take the refuge offer, it's only temporary, and work with the local dv charity and ss to protect your children.
Change may be hard for your eldest daughter but staying in an environment where she is kicked by a grown man is harder.

A refuge isn't any different to a B&B and is better for your dc to be around other women and children rather than chaotic men. You would most likely have access to the freedom programme and support to unpick what led you to be in and stay in an abusive relationship.

If you turned up at the council and said you couldn't return home because of the abuse you would be offered a refuge space or emergency accommodation like a B&B whilst they assess whether they have a legal duty towards you (ie if you made yourself homeless they wouldn't have a duty to house you but if you're fleeing abuse they do).

When they have assessed your homelessness need and what priority you will be for housing, depending on your area you will be there for around 6 months to two years bidding on council properties.

Or, if this feels undoable they will help you with a deposit and finding a private rent. You will most likely get UC as a single parent and part of your housing costs towards that if you're earning less than 30k a year.

You won't get a council property unless you are in dire need and living in some type of temporary accommodation that they have provided.

Police charged me with harassing soon to be x husband. It's awful that I am charged for sending him emails begging for money and begging him to pick up the phone to our boy who is waiting for him. It's like a knife going through me watching my son suffer because his father constantly ignores him, let's him down and lies to him. I dread to think what's going on in my boys mind. His dad is so so cruel. Can I use the messages sent to my son off the lying monster as evidence to support my case, obviously I won't if it's causes more heartache for my boy. Just wish he was older and not dependant on him. My older kids have already been cut off from his dirty life, awful awful being.

That is downright cruel OP. My heart goes out to you and your poor daughter. I hope you get away from this arsehole soon.

I'm mid 40s and grew up with a parent like this. It has hugely affected my relationships and self esteem and I do still have nightmares about my teenage years.

Hope you're ok x

I too had this experience and I echo what others have said, your children will start to heal the moment you lead them out of that door. It might seem hard, but you have to leave and go to the refuge (or a friend/family house). Wait until he’s out and take the essentials: passports, favourite toys. Call or live chat to women’s aid, they are fantastic.

I know you don’t like to think of it like this, but it’s an emergency. My daughter said after we left that she just used to wish someone would come and rescue her: I apologised it took me so long to. But I did, and you can too.

The other thing is that to keep the children long term you need it to be crystal clear that you are the protective parent. Demonstrating that you won’t keep dangerous partners round — even their father — is part of that.

This thread is old why did someone bump it. Very annoying