Marriage issues, menopause, grief and send parenting

[FutureMum]

DH and I have been drifting apart and arguing for the last two years. He's had a family bereavement and has become a carer for an elderly parent. He is, I am convinced, undiagnosed asd, and doesn't want to get diagnosed although he is forcing more social isolation on to the rest of us. This became particularly acute after the pandemic.

I have hit the menopause years and I feel like we need a reset and to talk things through but he gets very verbally passive aggressive if I try to tackle th3 issue. I have been carrying most of the weight on my shoulders for years, to protect him from life's stress because he cannot handle any form of stress. We have two DC, one with SEND and the other still young. Is this normal and what can I do to make my life better and to have a calm conversation with him? He won't consider counselling or couples therapy. We have both changed and become different during our 20 years.

You can't have calm, rational, solution-focused conversations with anyone who doesn't want the same. Stop tying yourself up in knots thinking that there must be a way to approach him that would elicit a better response. If he wanted to, he would. You can waste years of your life this way. All you can do at this point is make your own decision about what you want to do based on the current situation. Focus on you and your health, happiness and wellbeing, how you want to live the rest of your life and whether it still includes this verbally aggressive man.

I should probably say that what I meant by verbal aggression is excessive criticism, belittling my thoughts, getting annoyed if I don't agree with him, accusing me of starting an argument on purpose or calling me clumsy or telling me I did something stupid.

This doesn't happen every day, but often enough to make me feel like walking on eggshells. Sometimes DH apologises but most often not.