Pretty sure DP doesn't love me and I'm crap with DS too

[rubbishatthis]

Name changed for this

I know it's tough with a new baby and I know it throws your life out for a bit but our baby is 4.5 months now and things are still so strained with me and DP. I've been really trying over the last few weeks, to spend time with him, find out what's important to him these days, really care about how he is and how his day has been, and whilst he does make an effort in return, I can see that it's forced... he does not love me... I know this and it's breaking my heart.

Today is Valentine's day and not a big deal, but I've been having a really shit week and thought he would make some small gesture to show he cares. He just bought home alcohol for himself, as I will go to bed at 9, and that is that. It's really not a huge deal, I'm not angry or anything, but it's a sign certainly - if he loved me surely he'd be thinking about me during the day, want to cheer me up?

There is no passion or even a spark. Since DS was born I have not even had him look at me with a sort of respect or awe - I don't mean bowing at my feet, just a 'wow, she had my baby, she's pretty amazing' - no, nothing. If it comes down to it I don't even think he is grateful.

And then, my poor DS. I love him so much. But I am getting shit at being his mum. I don't know any nursery rhymes, I don't know what games to play, I'm concerned about his development - he is not 'into everything' and doesn't seem very dextrous. I think I put him on his play gym too much. He loves it, that's why I do it, but I think he does not have enough variety in a day. We go for walks, I have him on my lap a lot, and I've got lots of toys for him but he is not much interested. I don't even know the words to 'pat a cake'.

I don't feel particularly passionate about DP lately I suppose but I do feel a very deep love for him and I am committed to him. And DS just lights up my day. I am not depressed. But I keep thinking that I wish I could be someone else, somewhere else.

pat a cake pat a cake bakers man bake me a cake as fast as you can pat it and prick it and mark it with b put it in the oven for baby and me.
Trust me that does not make me a better mother than you.
You are doing DP, I went through this with mine and i wish we had discussed the situation sooner.

Sorry you feel so sad. Buy a book or cd of nursery rhymes to do with your DS. You don't sound like a 'shit mum', just unhappy at the moment. Have you discussed your feelings with DP? Hope you feel better soon.

ooh a whole section of my post has disappeared.

we have all kind of been here. you are not rubbish, dh is prob just not thinknig, dont think he doesnt love you. talk to him. tell him how you are feeling. plan a night out - away from 'normal' life etc.

hang on in there.

p.s. we dont all know nursery rhymes, it was only when i bought the boys some books that the words were in that i started singing them!..........badly!

be kind to yourself, and remember blokes arent psychic - talk to him, he may not even realise.

cx

what I meant to say was that you are doing your best and you sound like you are doing better than me with DD1! Talk tou your dp about how you feel.

Oh dear. Sorry you're having such a hard time of things. I am terrible at advice but couldn't read and run.

It sounds to me as though you're a great mum, caring about your little boy and spending lots of time with him. 4.5 month olds aren't really "into everything" and if he loves his baby gym then that's great. Not knowing your nursery rhymes really isn't important! Make up your own words. Or, if you care about knowing them join a baby group or pick up a nursery rhyme book for 40p from your local charity shop.

Perhaps you need to do something for you, rather than worrying about your dp and ds? I took up a hobby comepletely for me a while after dd was born and it saved my sanity - one evening a week where I went out and did something completely different.

I'm sure other people will give you proper advice and know what to say about dp / depression.

I just wanted to give you a website I found for activities with your baby parenting.ivillage.com/baby/bactivities/topics/0,,4rk4,00.html

Don't feel guilty, just do the best you can. The first few months are challenging and just talking to your baby is the most important bit. I used to take my dd out on walks and would talk to her about the things we saw. I am sure I looked nuts

Also, see if you local library does a Rhyme Time or reading. Also mother and toddler groups would be great for interaction and development.

And I am sorry to hear things are in a rut with your DP. Is counseling an option?

I'm sure you're not rubbish and you need to cut yourself some slack. Babies don't need a lot of activities/structure - just lots of love. They get a buzz out of anything when they're so little. And my experience with DH is that he took a long time to bond with DD and feel part of a family, and often men just don't think - certainly not along the same lines we do, like empathy.
I found wrapping up and getting out for a walk each day helped with feeling blue, and DD 'enjoyed' it too. Lots of new things to look at. Do you have a library near you? Great place for nursery rhyme & story books.

Hope you're feeling much brighter soon. Lots of luck and a big {{{{{{hug}}}}}} x

These are absolutely dreadful but my little girl adores them. I have to suffer enjoy one every evening as a reward for her cleaning her teeth.

Baa baa black sheep

Twinkle Twinkle

Jack and Jill

Ding Dong Bell

Humpty Dumpty

Oh hon. Sorry you are having such a bad time of it. You are NOT a shit mum - you certainly wouldn't be posting if you were. I think what you do with your DS sounds fine and knowing the words to nursery rhymes doesn't mean a thing - honest. Just make em up if you don't know em - I used to!

Does your DP know how you are feeling? Could you get a babysitter one night so you can bith go out for a drink / meal whatever and talk about how you both feel. You may find that perhaps he is feeling a bit left out and that you just need to re visit what it is you love about each other. The first few months with a baby are tough - but we have all been through it / are going through it so you are at the right place for advice x

You know a new baby can be hard to adjust to, for a woman OR a man. Maybe your dp is having problems adjusting tot he fact that there are now three of you. Also my dh took ages to bond with little ones because I breastfed and just couldnt get on with the breastpump so I think my dh felt like a spare part.
It really would help to talk. Not easy sometimes but let him know how you are feeling. x

I sympathise. My DD is 2 and I remember when she was about 5 months old I went out with a friend and got completely drunk (wasn't BF BTW). It was totally out of character for me. Then DH and I had a massive argument a few nights later (I mean the splitting up kind). He felt unloved and I felt like a zombie through lack of sleep. The change in roles and life style hit us hard. Since having our big bust up we have made sure we talk lots and things are better. I think alot of couples find the adjustment difficult. No one can prepare you for the reality of having a baby. I suppose it may also depend on how yours and DPs relationship was like before as well.

Also, I hope you don't mind me suggesting this but do you think you could have post natal depression? I am no expert but some of the feelings you decsribe sound familiar. If there is any chance that you do I would suggest you speak to your HV or GP or perhaps someone on here can help.

Be gentle on yourself. You sound like a great mum. The fact you are so concerned about your son shows that. I hope things get better for you soon. X

I felt exactly the same as you about not knowing how to entertain my DS - but when they're tiny they just want to be with you and have lots of cuddles and love. they don't need much more than that - in the end I figured out that it wasn't him but me who was bored! they are lovely lovely lovely but also a bit dull at times, so you need to do some things to keep you entertained as well.

we joined a baby nursery rhyme group at the library which taught me lots of nursery rhymes, and met up with all the mothers from my antenatal class once a week for lunch. it does get easier and they get more interactive and fun, but in the mean time be gentle on yourself - it is hard and it's a big change from working.

HTH

Aww,
sorry your feeling the way you are. as the others have said, talk to dp let him know how you feel.

Being a mum, dosnt come with a handbook, you're doing the best you can... some great ideas already... early learning centre is great for songs..

Do you have any friends with little ones.. perhaps you could get together with them.. if not Mother and toddlers would be a good place to meet new Mums.. your health visitor will have a list of local ones...

big Hug coming your way
x

I should point out that at 4.5 months babies can't really be 'into everything' as they can't walk or crawl!!!
I thinkmy daughter was around the same age when me and dh had THE arguement, the biggest one EVER, complete with naughty swear words and slamming of doors, throwing of objects etc (very unusual as we rarely get above 'heated debate') and looking back I realise that it was just baby stress. You're exhausted, you have a tiny human being to care for all day, every day, and at 4.5 months lets face it they dont DO an awful lot!!! My dd spent most of her time in her play gym too, either that or chewing a toy. Either that or out in her buggy, down to the village centre before I went INSANE from being indoors with a crying, non-napping baby...
And bear in mind that, probably, your dh will be going through something similar. You know what blokes are like with stuff like valentines day and cards, they thing, oh, she's not bothered really. Til you burst into tears (when heavily pg...) like i did and say 'it's my frigging BIRTHDAY you tight sod!' (card and thoughtful pressie without fail, every year now, heh heh)
It will get better!
Don't give up!

Oh and what did I howl at him during THE arguement

"YOU DONT LOVE ME!!!!!!"
But he does. And I bet your dh does too.

i'm sorry you're feeling down, you sound like a great mum.

for what it's worth i felt the same, still do sometimes, even though DS is now 4. i was and am still rubbish about playing with him in the house, i try, but i find it boring and it doesn't come naturally, so i used to just wheel him around in the pram everywhere and chatter to him. a buggy/pram where baby is facing you is best for that. i also used to sit him in the corner of the kitchen when i was cooking (in his bouncy chair out of harm's way) and describe to him what i was doing, jamie oliver style. works for chores in other rooms in the house too

i still prefer to get out and about with DS, there's so much more to talk about/do/see. it's just what works for me and i'm working on feeling less guilty about not playing with him so much in the house.

you'll find what works best for you after a while.

as for DP, i nearly chucked DH out when DS was about a year old. having DS was such a huge learning curve for both of us. in my haste to learn about motherhood and everyone's eagerness to show me the ropes, he got a bit forgotten about learning fatherhood and it took him longer to pick it all up.

i really sympathise - i vividly remember that feeling of focussing totally on my ds at that age, and worrying that i didn't know how to play or engage with him as everyone else seemed to.

it's all fine - just do what you enjoy at this age (hanging out at home, walks, bus rides, seeing friends, library trips, gradually investigate mother & baby/toddler groups) but there's no need to think you should be doing particular things. i can only say that with hindsight though - i wish i could go back in time and tell myself this!

and talk to your dp, gently.

your baby sounds perfectly fine, and you too as a mom. mine is 6 months old and only in the last month toys became a big thing for her. we cuddle a lot but i also go out LOTS for coffee with her because i dont know what else to do with a tiny baby!!!!

You are doing a great job. Your partner is probably feeling a bit pushed out but he'll get over it: He can't expect to get as much attention from you now you have a child together. I had similar feelings when my DS was tiny but we talked about it. Things improved when our DS started reacting more to things and then DH really fell in love with him. Does your DP have a 'thing' that just he can do for your child - eg being in charge of bathtime etc?

I'm sure things will improve if you just try to keep talking. You sound like a lovely Mummy to me. Take care. xx

You know so much of what you have written will be so horribly familiar to most of the people here. When you are pregnant you imagine this wonderful little family, your baby playing happily, you and your DP catch each other's eye and think 'isn't life wonderful and aren't I glad I married you'.
In reality a lot of the time you feel like shit, hate your partner and think you've just made the biggest mistake of your life.

It does get better, honestly! If you can afford it (and I would cut back on loads of other things to make sure I did) try to get a baby sitter and go out with your DP for a couple of hours once a week. Even if it is just to walk round the block. I've always found ace baby sitters from gumtree.com - all qualified nannies looking for a bit of extra cash. Try not to talk about the baby or get into competative tiredness. We went to a dance class for several months, which both of us were useless at, but it got us out of the house and made us do something together.

I found this book quite helpful, although bits of it were annoying.

And you sound like a brilliant mum. It can be really isolating having a new baby - have you got any friends locally with babies you can meet up with? Often they are having just as bad a time as you but everyone is busy putting a brave face on things. I remember the relief when one of the women from my ante-natal group said what a bad time she was having - suddenly we all admitted to what we were going through.

Hang on in there

Possibly a bit young for nursery rhymes anyway, so you have plenty of time to learn some. Just chat to your baby, tell him the things you are doing when you change his bottom, give him a bottle etc. It doesn't matter what you say, it's the tone you say it in and the fact that you are communicating at all that counts most. Bugger what other mums do - what you have between you is unique. Enjoy him.

hi rubbishatthis (although i am sure you are not)
just thought i'd chip in. my son is 3 months now, i dont know any nursery rhymes, i know the tunes and improvise with the words!i am not going to many groups at the moment. i heard mums talking and feel it puts pressure on you. no-one finds it easy. some days are better than others. FACT. to be honest i dont even care at the moment, maybe once son is a bit older yes, there is plenty of time imo to teach nursery rhymes.. the most important thing is you are spending time with him, feeding him, keeping him clean, warm and loved when they are so small. and you are giving him fresh air too by going for walks.. are you a first time mum? I am and i am finding it hard, not the mum part so much but relationships with others.i have PND and seriously hate my husband at the moment, resent him and he so loves me. there are others feeling the same, just to let you know. chin up :-)

by the way....
i know this is a personal question, we havent had sex yet... maybe once you have sex it gets better? just a thought? maybe you can then feel a little reconnected? just a thought..?

I hated my husband too. I kind of blamed him for giving me a baby which meant I was no longer free to be me. Selfish, but true. It happens.