Is this manipulative or am I thinking unkind things?

[MissMarplesNiece]

I've been visiting my elderly mother. She lives with my DSis, BIL & a couple of their adult children. She's always been very needy. She's well looked after by my DSis and there are always people dropping by so she's not one of those elderly people who sit home alone for days and days. I was there for about 5 hours but from about an hour after I got there she was telling me about how lonely she is when Im not there, asking why I hadn't visited for a couple of days telling me she had tried to phone me and the person who answered just said the word hospital so she was "terrified" (her word) that I was in hospital.

A bit later I was sitting in the room with her & she started talking to the dog saying things like why doesn't Miss Marple's niece come more often, why did she used to come lots and now hardly comes, she thinks I'm a nuisance, I wish I was dead. I go every couple of days and stay for hours - today's 5 hours was a short visit.

About 6 o'clock she started crying and asking me not to go home (she does this almost everytime I visit). I stayed for another couple of hours and when I finally got up to go she started crying again and asking if she could come and live with me. DH and I have a small, one bedroom flat so she knows that's not possible. She's said the same thing before and I feel really awkward having the conversation about why it's not possible.

I leave feeling wretched, horrible, unkind. I don't have good mental health & in the past have self-harmed. I leave the house with the overwhelming feeling that I want to hurt myself again. I don't know what to do to make her happy.

If she lives with people, why is she saying she’s lonely ? You should point out how many people she lives with.
She sounds very manipulative. Is there any signs of dementia ?

I’d wonder dementia too.

Sounds like dementia to me, too. It’s really hard to deal with. Sending 💐

. I don't know what to do to make her happy.

I don’t think you can make her happy. You can’t turn back time. And it is not your responsibility to make her happy.
You are doing all you can , you visit, give her lots of your time, listen and I should imagine work hard to try to make her feel happier.
Has she had a medical assessment lately? It might be time to arrange one that should detect any dementia symptoms as well as other things.

Look after yourself and do not let your MH suffer.

There's no sign of dementia and my DSis who sees her everyday agrees with me on this. DM is as sharp as a pin except she's quite deaf and doesn't put her hearing aid in. She's always been very needy - as a teenager I was very much her emotional prop - I think its referred to as parenting your parent. My Dsis is "tougher" than me - not sure tough is the right word, she doesn't put up with nonsense - and DM doesn't act like it to her.

Has your sister been present when she's been saying these things to you, or does she only say this stuff when the two of you are alone together?

The other thing to think about (and it probably doesn't bear thinking about, but you have to) is elder abuse from another member of your family towards her.

Is she mobile?
Can you take her out rather than sit in the house for 6 hours?
My MIL was always easier to manage when out and about, it distracted her and she gave out less.

This sounds very similar to a post a while ago where OP's mum lived with her Dsis..sounds exactly the same. OP goes to visit for hours, mum cries and complains and manipulates. I'll try find it and post it

My MIL does this. She ‘never’ has any visitors. This is always said to her… visitors.

We have taken to reminding her of who has been to visit that week. At least one person a day- often more.

Does your dsis say she returns to normal as soon as you are gone: drama over. I guess she does. So just say to yourself she will be fine as soon as l am gone. Like leaving your child in nursery. And for your own mental health don't stay so long. She will fuss as much after 5 hours as 3 hours so just expect it and let it over your head. You sound very caring and she is just turning on the tears to make you feel bad.

Could you find one sentence to say like: l love you Mom, see you next week and breeze out the door. She sounds like she is well looked after.

@Dontbelieveaword I think that post may have been mine.
DM doesn't forget that she's had visitors -she told me who'd visited over the Easter weekend. That doesn't seem to be enough for her - it's me she wants and she seems to want me constantly and for me to give more than I've got to give iyswim.