How do you know when its time to call it a day?

[Whatamidoinghelp]

My husband is a good man he means well but like all of us he's by no means perfect. We got together when I was 20 he's a bit older than me and we have been together 16 years and have children.

We have built a good life together, and I have always worked very hard to be able to contribute financially to that.

I feel content and Someone Happy with my life and I love my family very much however I have always been a very affectionate person and never received affection back from my husband I often question if he actually loves me or finds me attractive. We don't really communicate or have conversation but this is his mentality he doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with it (hes very very laid back) as Life Goes On I feel like we have less and less in common and little physical intimacy. To be honest what hurts most is that I've never felt truly wanted by him. Though i think it would really hurt him if i was to walk away.

I've recently lost close friend she was in her 30s and it's made me realize how short life can be. Every big decision that we make whether it's buying something expensive, booking a holiday or getting a pet my first thought is what if we separate.

When we go on holiday we barely have a conversation and its like seeing into the future of what retirement will be like.

My life isn't a bad life, my kids are happy but i cant help but pine for something more. I want to be loved, shown affection, have deep and meaningful conversation. Someone i can laugh with and wants to kisses me when they get home from work and isnt to shy to say the words 'I love you'. I want to be notice and feel relevant, I want intimacy to feel natural and not forced.

Am I being selfish?
Will I regret it leaving my husband and breaking up my family?
Is the grass really greener?
Am i just wanting to live in a fancies that is never reality?

I have tried talking to him about it. I've tried spicing things up and making more time for eachother this has been on going for several years now. I have to either accept this is my life or take a leap of faith and hurt my husband, my children and our family and friends.

I feel similar. But I worry about being able to financially cope if I'm on my own with the kids 50/50 (or more, potentially).
It's a huge worry.

I think, like you, that life is too short to be unhappy. If you know you're not getting what you want out of life right now, you'll just be miserable until you go out there and see what else there is.
My single (mid 30s) best mate tells me there are no great men out there and that I should only leave if I'm happy to be alone ... which I'm probably not. And she might have a point or she might not.

My sympathies completely. It's a really touch position to be in.

I ended my 30 year relationship last year. My husband hadn’t been interested in affection, sex or even conversation for about 20 years, he would flinch if I so much as touched him. Our life was - what do we need in Waitrose/ car needs servicing/some politics/wonder how the children are. We had marriage therapy, twice, I got upset two or three times a year, he carried on living his life. During lock down I realised he would never change, we sleep in separate rooms and I sobbed my way through most nights, literally getting up to be sick, because it was clear our relationship was over and because I was just so damn lonely and once I acknowledged all that I realised that I would have to end it and I was heartbroken and frightened. The next day I would get up and have to be bright and breezy.
He took it badly, it’s been awful, still living in the same house, but the relief of no longer pretending has been wonderful. I’ve had lots of support from friends and family, although I have lost his family who I adored. Financially it’s going to be tough because we are about to retire and I have no time left to make any money. I should have done this long ago. I cannot get over the thought that I have wasted my life, I just want to be loved, but at least I found the strength to love myself sufficiently to take some action.

Apologies, that is such a pity party of a post.

Thank you, thank you so much.

I know exactly what you mean the fear that i have already wasted so many years on someone who doesn't see you anymore. I can see myself landing in the same boat!

But I do believe like Samantha's comment there isnt many decent men out there and the thought of accepting the fact that i may be single for the rest of my life is scary. Do i really want to be alone? Loose my house, my buisness, half my income, hurt my husband and young my children. The only life i have even know.

I told myself this year was to concentrate on myself, join the gym, be a little more social and make an effort to be more presentable but in reality this isnt a step forward its just me trying to distract myself from reality.

Possibly as much as i hate to admit it hope to meet someone which is wrong in so many ways!

Why wouldn't you be happy being alone? Do you think life is only meaningful with a man in it? Ot sounds like you've been "conditioned" by being in a relationship so long you can't even conceive how different and maybe more satisfying your life could be without a romantic partner.

Hi - I read your post and so much of it resonated with me. I walked away from a 30 year marriage six years ago. I lived in rented accommodation for about a year and then bought a small house. It was different for me as my daughter was in her early twenties so I didn't have young children to consider. What I will say though is the awful feelings you have are because you are faced every single day with a relationship that is nowhere near what it should be and so it is death by a thousand cuts. Once you manage to move yourself away from it, however hard it is to do, the noise in your head with stop. Sure you will have other things to consider and work out, but you will achieve more peace and that is such a relief. Start to make plans and research how you can do it - even making a few steps in the right direction will help your state of mind. One simple sentence I read when I was struggling ... 'if you are unhappy, then get up and move - you are not a tree' A bit trite I know, but it stuck with me. I now have a house and a boyfriend and my life is not dragged down every day like it used to be. Be brave, this is your life - you only get one x

The grass is greener. Life is too short to stay.

When you wake up one morning and think ‘I can’t do this for one second longer’. Sounds like you’re nearly there. Hugs xx

Do i really want to be alone?

You already are alone.

Free yourself from this deadweight sham of a marriage and find out who you are. Give yourself space and freedom to live your life.

I have recently split from my husband of 28 years - I realised after a life changing illness that my friends supported me and he did the logistics or treatment etc but there was very little emotional support. I realised that he was emotionally unavailable and that he was happy for me to carry a domestic burden and wanted to carry on because his needs were met and he didn't care about mine. I'd been on antidepressants for years - turns out the problem was my marriage! I'm so much happier and liberated by my own sense of purpose now - I was privileged to be able to leave and I know it's difficult or feels impossible with some circumstances. All I can say is if you are utterly miserable in a marriage - staying for anyone won't make it better. Wishing you strength and courage to put yourself first

I don't have any answers unfortunately - I have just actually started a similar thread about the lack of emotional connection with my DH. Your DH sounds very similar to mine.
It is so hard to be in this position, I really feel for you.

This.
I think it is far more lonely to live with someone but not be seen by them and truly share your life, than it is to be single and live alone but be responsible for your own decisions and future.
The freedom of being single and pleasing yourself sounds far more appealing than the loneliness of a loveless marriage. All you have now is someone to share the bills. I mean, that's important maybe, and may make life easier, but it isn't abating loneliness.