AIBU or being taken for a ride

[namechanged9999]

I’m divorced and have a 6 year old. My new partner of 2 years lives with me in my home and doesn’t pay me rent. He pays half the bills and food shopping. He is always saying how he wants to help more with DD. So yesterday I asked if he can watch her on the first May bank holiday weekend as I have to go abroad for a health check and can’t take DD (it’s out of the question for many reasons). He first agreed and then realized it’s the bank holiday and said he doesn’t want to be stuck with a toddler and can I go later or sort out something else. To my mind we are a partnership and the one time I lean on him he says no. I know it’s not his child but come on.

I also would expect him to contribute more financially given he lives with me for free. I’m starting to build resentment and I’m quite upset he backed out after I relied on him and he keeps saying I should. It seems him spending a good long weekend (we have been traveling all month this month and last month) is more important than me getting my check. I think it’s selfish. AIBU? Should he contribute more given he doesn’t pay rent and I pay a huge mortgage? We earn the same and he’s saving loads of money sometimes I feel at my expense.

He sounds like a freeloader who doesn’t want to help, even for the sake of your health.
What are his good points?

I think it's a big ask. His whole weekend taken up. And quite a big ask especially if you are abroad. Partners don't usually pay rent but contribute to all bills and share household chores. He will have no share in the equity of your house. When it's the other way round and the man is the houseowner MN are usually adamant no rent should be paid.

I think he should be paying rent personally.

I understand where you're coming from with feeling he let you down the one time you need him to watch dd, especially as he's been asking. But his perspective might be that a bank holiday is a bit too much too soon, especially with you out of the country. Maybe he was thinking more along the lines of watching her for a day? Have you told him how you feel?

I think the lack of financial contributions and the not helping with childcare for your trip abroad are two separate things and shouldn't be getting mixed up.

I can see why he wouldn't want to look after your child alone for a long weekend - is there anyone else who could do it? Where is her dad? I can see how it would feel annoying though that he's said he wants to step up and be reliable, and then said no to the first thing you ask.

I think he should be paying rent, though - why isn't he and could this be reviewed? My partner lives with me in a flat I own and he pays half of the mortgage - this is a lot, lot less than he'd be paying if we were renting a flat at market rate in this area.

Hang on. He pays half the bills and half the food bill?
So he is subsidising your dd? And you want more money off him. If you kick him out he has to start again somewhere. Let him save up some money as his back up plan. Or save a pot for a future house together.

I would think that expecting or even asking him to watch your daughter for a whole weekend is quite a lot to ask and he is within his rights to say no. Him saying he wants to help more - does that mean collecting from school or cooking her tea.
As for the rent... be careful as if you split and he's contributed towards the mortgage then he can have a claim on your property which you don't want. I would be asking him to pay half the utilities, half food and council tax etc. I would be expecting half the household chores also. If your resentful then perhaps ask him to move out and rent something. I wouldn't want a freeloader either so your feelings on this are valid.

Sort out finances. Paying rent separate to your mortgage will not allow him equity and is fair. Maybe 40 percent of bills. Get a cohabitation agreement. As to not helping the weekend you need he's asserting his boundaries and they aren't partnership but boyfriend girlfriend ones. Act accordingly. Get your child looked after. It may be time to reassess your own boundaries here and if you want to share your life in this way.

Interesting. Women are pretty much always advised to not pay towards someone else’s mortgage without going on the deeds, so it looks like he’s taken mumsnet advice.