Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I wrong for being upset about my partner's smoking?

9 replies

chloelouise7517 · 11/04/2023 17:02

My partner and I have been together for 4 and a half years. When we met he was open about his previous cannabis smoking but had stopped due to his belief that it was making him worse mentally and he was becoming too dependent on it.

Two years into the relationship he started smoking it again. He told me this was because it was helping him sleep; in the whole time I had known him he had trouble sleeping so, even though I did not understand the appeal with smoking this, I tolerated it even though his usage increased to multiple times a day.

Once I found out I was pregnant, he said that he would stop as he did not want any of that in the same house as our child. He smoked up until baby was here as he said that, once she was here, something would 'click' and he would no longer feel the need to smoke. He has a child from a previous relationship and has always said that he stopped smoking for this child and his ex-girlfriend.

He stopped for one week but in the following eight weeks, he has gradually increased smoking and does most evenings to 'help sleep' but this means he does not hear her at night so all night feeds have been my job. He gives me a 'night off' on a Saturday which consists of him giving her one bottle and me getting up at 7 with her so he can sleep in. He has only done this since I broke down 2 weeks ago because of the lack of sleep.

He has admitted that sometimes he just has one because he wants one. He has also been to his dad's to 'blow off steam' which consists of drinking and smoking; there were two nights he didn't come home at all.

Basically, I'm just after validation that I am right in feeling upset and wanting some change. Every conversation regarding my feelings has been turned around into me blaming him.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 11/04/2023 17:07

But he never did stop smoking with his first?

He smokes weed and disappears for days at a time . Deeply unattractive.

Dotcheck · 11/04/2023 17:08

By the way, if he didn’t ‘ click’ and up his game with his first child, why on earth will he do it now? You’re fighting a losing battle here

Fairislefandango · 11/04/2023 17:08

No you are not wrong. The only thing you were wrong about was believing him when he said he would stop when the baby arrived. The Relationships board is littered with threads by women who for some reason believed their partner would change or step up when they had a child. Doesn't usually happen imo. Women often do ditch habits which are incompatible with physically bearing a child and then almost inevitably being the default parent. Men, not so often.

Fairislefandango · 11/04/2023 17:10

Basically, I'm just after validation that I am right in feeling upset and wanting some change.

Sorry, but if the massive change of having a baby didn't make him stop, I seriously doubt that you wanting change will make him.

LlynTegid · 11/04/2023 17:12

So he's happy to partake in a trade that saw a child in Liverpool murdered?

Treacletoots · 11/04/2023 17:13

I think you've got bigger issues than him smoking weed. He's a useless lazy selfish prick. Sorry OP.

Why are you doing all the night feeds? If you're letting him get away with treating you like this then he will continue. Place the baby monitor on full next to his head alongside the perfect prep machine and take yourself to sleep on the sofa. Do this for alternative nights.

He isn't doing you a favour letting you off one day a week, he's utterly taking the piss. DH and I used to share the feeds 50/50 and actually I would say he probably did a few more than me. Because that's what good parents do.

Having a baby is by far one of the hardest things to do, especially in those early months. If you don't totally and utterly pull together to support each other you're fucked.

Midsummernightmare · 11/04/2023 17:19

You’re not wrong for being upset, but….. you’re very naiive for thinking he would change.
Personally I would not have carried on the relationship at all let alone have a child with someone on weed or any other substance, never ends well in my experience.

DatingDinosaur · 11/04/2023 17:52

Your feelings are valid.

He’s not going to stop and he’s turning it round and blaming you because he knows he’s weak and pathetic and addicted to drugs.

That he goes to his dad’s to smoke and drink says a lot about how ingrained this weed addiction is with him.

He’s not going to stop because he doesn’t want to admit to himself that he has a drug problem. Denial then justifying the behaviour is just confirming that.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/04/2023 18:04

"Every conversation regarding my feelings has been turned around into me blaming him."

Why shouldn't you blame him - he's in the wrong! You might as well be a single parent for all the use he is.

You must know that he isn't going to change. All this crap about 'it helps me to sleep' - I wouldn't call that sleeping, I'd call that passing out. Time for you to think seriously about your future. Not his future, he doesn't have one, not really, he'll just tread water until he dies, even if he does die of old age. What about you and your daughter? What do you want for her, what do you want for you?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page