Mostly a lurker here but just wanting some opinions/thoughts because I just don't feel I'm objective in regards to stuff.
I grew up with a violent much older sibling who had severe mental health problems and I also suspect she was sexually abusive to me as a child too but no concrete evidence.
My parents constantly argued about it and they don't get on until this day and both can be very critical of me.
Throughout my teen years I was assaulted by a few people sexually and was also webcaming strangers adults and older teens and did inappropriate things.
Then been in a few abusive relationships.
Been with my husband 15 years and at the start we were great but last 5 ish years he's become moodier and hard to deal with sometimes. He's also done stuff to me when asleep sexually which happened to me before when been assaulted so it was very triggering to me. He's also touched me when I've not initiated wanting anything like that at the time.
He knows what's happened to me in the pas in detail and he's apologised but think mix of increased moodiness and these events has made me love him more like a friend now.
Thing is we have 3 young kids and I just don't know what to do. I'm working on feeling confidence and self respect which I've never fully felt but I don't want to hurt or upset anyone either.
Is it a big deal or am I overreacting? I just don't know what to do as can't be objective.
Thanks for reading and sorry it was long. Unfortunately I've had a number of negative sexual experiences which now leaves me scared of that kind of intimacy and with invalidating parents emotionally, my emorionsl regulation and expression can be over the top or not enough.
Please help.